losing chase's journal

the feeling is mutual.

2009-10-28T15:43:00.002-04:00

"I wish you were here, next to me, so I could just squeeze you when things got tough."

I wish I was there too, so I could squeeze you when it all got to be too much. Because I love you in ways that I have never, never loved another person. and probably never will. But I'll be there soon and we can hunker down and let the world pass us by for a day or two.

my song part III

2009-10-20T07:58:00.002-04:00

Dreams, I have dreams when I'm awake when I'm asleep  
And you, you are in my Dreams   
You're underneath my skin, how am I so weak  

How long, can you hold your breath?
Can you count to ten, can you let it pass?
To keep, can you keep it in?
Keep it behind lashes, can you make it last?

And now in my dreams, I can feel the way
I can just come clean

I keep it to myself, I know what it means
I can't have you, but I have dreams
Oh, I have dreams, I have dreams

Mind, can you read my mind?
Has it come undone, am I showin' signs?

I think I am finally getting it through my head.  It's been months and months of pouring my heart out.  Of not getting the answers I need.  Of trying to take the advice of my closest confidants.  If I cut away most of the emotional bramble clouding the issue, the thing left that is bothering me is: did I matter?  And the hard truth is, in the asking of the question I already have my answer. No.  I did not matter.  I still do not matter.  and so many times I let that go.  This time, this time I am not willing to let it go.  This time I am angry.  To the point that I wish I had never met you.  I wish I had never heard your name.  I wish I could close my eyes and not see your image.  And it's shocking me a little bit, the anger, because people who have hurt me before have never garnered the same emotion.  I truly believe the experiences, good and bad, make you who you are and there is a lesson in them all.  This time, I cannot find the grace to learn.

I cheerfully could have enjoyed the rest of my life without your unconcerned intrusion.  but. thems the breaks and those are the choices that I made.  I'm sure the anger will pass. but oh, the road is long and I'm just beginning to travel. and heaven help me, the nights are even longer.  

I missed him today

2008-08-02T06:53:00.004-04:00

The heat has finally taken a break and I can't help feeling a little bit of euphoria when I step outside. The air has been oppressive, thick, heavy and unmoving. and I know with the rising of the sun comes the pregnant stillness again. so I'm going to wholeheartedly enjoy this little respite.

I'm hoping that the storms will come. I can feel them all around us, but so far they've just been moving passed, not through. The electricity in the air makes me itchy.

Why am I talking about the weather? Because I can.

The past few weeks have been hectic and worrisome. I am greatly surprised I haven't ended up with an ulcer. Thankfully I have bought myself maybe 6 more months of being able to breathe freely. and it feels a lot like freedom.

Been spending the a lot time on dirt roads in the country. It's been a little like coming home.

Another relationship is coming up to its end. I'd like to be able to say goodbye this time, but I am not sure I'll get the chance.

I missed him today. or maybe I missed who I thought he should have been. in any event, it was ok. It felt good to miss him, once I finally gave myself permission.

remember when this used to be profound? yeah, I don't either.

my song part 2

2008-06-10T06:57:00.003-04:00

I'm afraid to sink, I'm afraid to swim
I'm sad to say I miss my friends
I know that I'm supposed to step away
But they need me to stay and keep a watchful eye
On all my heroes and all their demons

But who's gonna break my fall
When the spinning starts
The colors bleed together and fade
Was it ever there at all
Or have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today

conversations I do not want to have are looming. just adding one more pebble to the avalanche. I'm still trying to find my feet in this. sometimes I stop looking....shhhh....don't tell. an easel sits in the corner gathering dust. sometimes I think it glares at me accusingly, along with the bike that sits in the garage. but that's mostly just my neurosis.....mostly.

I wrote a letter, in which I gushed, and did not care a whit about the response. small victories.

I got drunk with an old friend. I said a lot of things I wish I hadn't. I exposed a great deal more than I should have. and I did some stuff that makes me a tad angry with myself. my P-S tendencies are manifesting themselves in increasingly stupid ways. I enjoyed the waitress, but then I always do.

you know how you read about certain sexual practices and wonder how anyone likes that sort of thing? until you try it and find out you're the kind of person who likes that sort of thing? yeah, that's annoying.

my corner of the world is waking up to tuesday morning. and I still think platonic cuddling is perfectly viable.

stolen from a muchly missed meara

2008-05-28T16:52:00.002-04:00

Realizations Survey (Enlightening, much)

1. I've come to realize that my boobs:
are not very sensitive. surprisingly I don't have too many breast related epiphany's.

2. I've come to realize that when I talk:
I'm not very clear because even I have stopped caring about what I'm saying.

3. I've come to realize that when I drive:
I feel free unless I have a bout of road rage.

4. I've come to realize that I need:
people who are mine.

5. I've come to realize that I lost:
my way.

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when:
you lie to my face and expect me to understand.

7. I've come to realize that if I'm drunk:
I do all those stupid things I used to make fun of my friends for, but I'm more sly about it, so the shame is still private.

8. I've come to realize that money:
is the only thing that has a hope of making a difference.

9. I've come to realize that people:
are bright and shiny and wonderful, but fleeting.

10. I've come to realize that I'll always be:
here.

12. I've come to realize that the last time I cried:
wasn't nearly enough.

13. I've come to realize that my cell phone:
brings me more sadness than joy now.

14. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning:
I really wanted to sleep more and not get a text about someone's marital fight.

15. I've come to realize that before I go to sleep at night :
I pace outside in the night and make promises I'm never going to keep.

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about:
old friends contacting me and should I return the favor.

17. I've come to realize that babies are:
for other people.

18. I've come to realize that when I get on Myspace:
I hate it.

19. I've come to realize that today I will:
find joy in something.

20. I've come to realize that tonight I will:
do whatever comes along, I don't plan that much.

21. I've come to realize that tomorrow I will:
start all over again.

22. I've come to realize that I really want to:
figure out what I really want.

free form

2008-05-28T03:02:00.000-04:00

5 days and counting

doesn't seem like a lot. but it is.

I'm not going to be the one to break this time. maybe it's reached a point where it's done.

it's sad that I'm kinda addicted to you. but you're pretty much all I've got. and that's not all that much.

you should go to d.c. and lose my number.

it seems a shame to say hello again, before saying goodbye. but that's what I'm going to do.

I was a fool to think I had any sort of chance at meaning something. I really hate to be made a fool of.

your secrets are your own. I just have a hard time accepting that. it's hard to know 90% of the time you're lying to me.

if I keep paring down, maybe I'll reach a point where it's ok to be gone.

nothing coherent, nothing profound.

this is my song

2008-05-25T08:21:00.000-04:00

You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do

here's to being sorry for getting what you asked for, and laughing hysterically.....emphasis on the hysterical part.

mostly wtf!?!?

2008-05-19T09:39:00.000-04:00

wow, I need to fix my blog. I tore it all apart with the intent to make it look shiny and pretty, but yeah, that hasn't happened yet. been a long time since I sat down to do this. It only seems to be brought out by certain people. or maybe certain days. or sleep deprivation.

should be sleeping. but can't stop waging this war against the entire concept. It is so not the day for melancholy nonsense. yet I find myself wading in it. course I always get a little sad when I reach this point of muddled half zombieness. yes zombieness, it's a perfectly acceptable word.

I find myself wanting to say all the old things again. reiterate. rehash. rewhine. (again, perfectly acceptable)

I like to beat my head into the same brick wall...

eh fuck that.

three unrelated things:
1.) I'm glad you are being seen again

2.)I wish I got the full picture.

3.)here's to crawling out of the vagina day.

random thoughts really early in the morning and unfinished words

2007-09-25T09:27:00.000-04:00

The words have not come for a long time. Sometimes I think that's not such a bad thing, that it's time to let all that nonsense go. The words were never that good to begin with and the point was really only for me. It's ok to stop. but the flip side is that if the words are not there, it means that I'm not feeling anything. I haven't felt anything for a very long time. I can pinpoint it almost exactly to when I let someone else walk over me again. and I hate myself for that. well ok, it's simplifying things to say I've felt nothing; more the things that I've been feeling I've been refusing to acknowledge. I miss owning that. I miss creating. no matter how crappy it turns out.

I've been having trouble these last few months. trouble saying goodbye. trouble knowing what to feel. trouble with people I thought I could count on. trouble trying to make everything ok, when it's not. trouble with anger and love, guilt and relief, feeling lost. I'm getting bigger, but life is getting smaller. I haven't been able to cry. except for this one song. it seems to be the only way I can touch any of the things lurking around inside. I went out saturday night and on the drive to portage I was sorting through the anger and disappointment, I was reconciling some bad decisions I wanted to make in the upcoming evening. I was going to go looking in the wrong places just to shut things up inside. until I played this song and I found myself singing through tears and it rocked me. it scares me the places my mind has been going. the places I'm willing to go, that I never.....never would have gone before. it would be easy to name names, to place the blame on my encounters with other people. but the hard truth is that I'm the one continuing to make those decisions, long after those other people are gone. more so I'm furthering down the road. what would he think of me now, with the clearer picture I'm presenting? would it prove him right? would it make him sad? could he see himself? I keep playing that song. maybe to make myself immune. maybe to keep crying till I don't need it anymore.

I never thought I would reach a place where I felt abandoned by you. unwanted. uncomfortable. why do you make me beg for your time? why do you make me feel like the least important thing in your life? when did it reach a point where you could make me feel wrong. I broached the subject while working my way towards drunk. she told me to let go. I don't want to hear that bullshit, like it's that easy? like that's the solution? I've been fucking "let go" more times than I can count and I've let go. neither side was a situation that worked well for me. let fucking go....so I can welcome the next fuck up that's going to tear my heart out of my chest and grind it under the heel of their shoe with open arms? because as my track record shows I haven't the faintest fucking idea who to trust. and of course the opportunities for meaningful relationships is endless in my current situation. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I'm still angry.

I'd give a great deal for a hug. some place safe to sleep. some place safe to feel. and I really hate you for letting me know what that felt like and then taking it away. I. hate. you.

lol. and I hate you because I don't hate you. which makes total sense.

here are words that have been lying around unfinished for months and probably will remain unfinished because I can't seem to make anything work anymore. perhaps they speak more for themselves and my state of mind in their unfinished state than they ever would done.....

each corridor
is a long one
lined with alien
instruments
that aid the fight for life
at regular intervals
are silent rectangles
doorways filled
with the forgotten people

I go to visit a man
I never really knew
dodging people
dressed in the colors
of the rainbow
that fall flat
in the muted air
forcing cheer
into the small spaces
between gasping breaths
and hacking coughs
and random wailing

I go to stare out a window
at red and orange brick
fighting a pale blue summer sky
do they put the floors so high
trying to force god to take notice?
or to place people that much
closer to the end?

I go to help shoulder a burden
that I'm not sure is mine
fighting the equivalent of a five year old
who is not sure if he wants to live
or is just scared to die.

I go to witness the death
of a man.
I go to watch him waste away
to watch the spark of recognition
in eyes so like mine
fade.
I go to try to figure out
where love
fits into this macabre equation

I go to say goodbye.

**********************************************

everything changes
when you say it out loud
so I'm confining the words to paper
bodily
you are gone
have been gone
for years
but I can still feel you
2 weeks
still present
in my mind
still expecting the phone
to be a call from you
2 weeks
still a part of me
like I professed you were
I said it out loud
and then you left
I keep coming across your path
2 weeks out of step.
I miss you
and everything has changed.

waiting

2007-05-09T21:09:00.000-04:00

I have been reluctant to write because I have been afraid of what the words will say. things have been dark, and avoiding it seems better than making a record. and there are only so many times you can say the same things to the same people before you get tired of speaking and they get tired of hearing. for better or worse I'm ok for now, for whatever reason. which is ironic given the state that my friend is in.

if something doesn't change soon I'm not going to be around much longer.

the words are somewhat innocuous taken out of context. it's the context that worries me. I find myself in a position where I truly don't know what to do. I have my beliefs that I've always stayed strongly aligned to, wherein each person is entitled to do with their life whatever they wish, the obvious caveats aside. and then there is the selfish part of me that wants to tell anyone that might be able to help, to break all the rules, lay in wait, call every 10 minutes or so; anything that might affect the outcome in my favor, no matter the betrayal. after all, I'm no stranger to betrayal, especially in this game we've been playing.

it bothers me when he says I love you, now. I can feel him trying to say goodbye, even when he knows there are no sufficient words to make the point. trying to wrap us up. he agreed we'd talk tomorrow, last night. and he only said goodnight. but I don't know if that makes me worry more or less. I keep waiting for the phone to ring. keep waiting for the last bits to crumble around me. keep waiting for the month of may to keep outdoing itself for the crappiest month of every year.

we always seem to come out intact. and this isn't the first time I've doubted that outcome. it is however the first time I've doubted my role in it all.

ok, so I suck at blogging.

2007-01-12T05:41:00.000-05:00

no surprise there. however with the new year in its infancy I wanted to take some time to make a list of things to remember / apply to this brand spanking new stretch of time....

in no particular order:

* the world is full of people who suck, take the time to tell the people you've found who don't suck how much you appreciate them

*glitter and neon hide a lot of unpretty things about life

*the desert agrees with me

*never sleep with someone when you know its wrong, no matter how much they beg you, no matter how drunk you are, no matter how much you're tired of being alone. it's much lonlier the morning after. trust me.

*don't regret placing your trust, the fault is in them, not in you

*when the drunk straight married object of your affection kisses you, you should kiss them back, it's probably the only shot you'll get, but when they tell you they want to fuck you, it's time to take them home so they can sleep it off alone

*if you find yourself making increasingly bad choices every time you drink, you should stop drinking

*enjoy being "the girl" to a group of guys. if you can find the right kind of guys.

*never ever ever ever drink scooby snacks, the next thing you know you're carressing someone's naked ass.

*please do not text / call me about your sex life. I don't want to know unless you're one of maybe 5 people. and those people know who they are, or they should.

*I'm basically a naturally unhappy person, this annoys the fuck out of almost everyone.

*don't compromise

*LAUGH

*drive around in the dead of night looking for a lost cell phone

*go swimming in all your clothes in las vegas in the middle of the night.

*really experience rain

*enjoy the smell of snow

*keep failing, go with what works

*if you hit a church with a U-Haul, keep driving, but take the time to secure a momento

*never go through or to new mexico, iowa, or arkansas

*fuck springfield missouri.

*accept compliments, even if you think they are lying through their teeth

*single out someone who interests you and inform they are going to be your bestfriend. the results are usually spectacular.

*try to learn to love yourself, it will make loving those around you much easier

last but not least...

*take the time to use this crappy blog.

once more with feeling

2006-05-06T21:21:00.000-04:00

do you ever look up people you know or used to know on google? it's not a good habit to get into. plus it's kinda creepy. and it's just served to reinforce this mental place that I'm in. of not feeling good enough. it's a tough monkey to throw completely off your back.

let's look at A, B, and C. With A you have everything you've ever wanted, but for one small hiccup. With B, you have a kindred. and then there is C, me. and I can't seem to get why I keep factoring in, clawing between attached at the hip and ultra suaveness. or even why I want to. I keep coming back to you, even when I feel like shit. every. single. time.

because I don't know how to love someone unless they don't feel the same.

I'm enamored of this thing they call: letting go.

someday I might even manage it.

one year for every hour in a day

2005-05-19T14:32:00.000-04:00

mother nature at least agrees with me. overcast and raining. just this side of cold, able to wear shorts and a t-shirt without shivering. even the birds have mostly shut the fuck up. now, if the sun never makes an appearance it will be the perfect day. one made to spend in bed. or drinking. maybe I'll do both. they say don't smoke in bed, nothing about drinking.

and damn him for making me remember. even if it was sweet. I was happy to forget.

I'm thoroughly amused by one person's childish perdictability. on this day it feels good to wish them hopes of growing up. even though I know it will never happen. at least I'll always be light years ahead.

odd rough rough draft.

2005-05-17T20:04:00.000-04:00

I wonder

Are my intentions
written clearly
on my face?

am I as
out of control
as I feel?

Do you know
how hard
I'm trying
not
to run my hands
up
your thighs?

despite
knowing,
I'm just an
accessable replacement
for someone
you know
you can't
have.

despite
knowing,
I have no
capability
of letting myself
love someone
anyway.

so far,
those
compelling reasons
haven't kept
my eyes from tracing
the contours
of your body,
or my hands from twitching
wanting to follow,

constantly
asking myself
what if?

chromosomes

2005-05-05T07:39:00.000-04:00

such contempt for the xx pairing. in the future save someone a lot of heartache. just fucking adopt if the y is so important to you. don't get married. and spend your time in the locker room. then you won't ever have to deal with such unpleasantness ever again.

god, your mother would be so disappointed in you.

I have never been so happy to not have a penis in all my life.

2005-04-27T06:37:00.000-04:00

We've sat like this
for years
of our lives
the seats may have changed
(though mostly bucket)
the cars have definitely
changed,
the scenery is different
growing older
right along with us.

We may have moved
from the way back,
to the back,
to passenger
and driver
but we're still
provoked to confess
by the darkness
whipping passed;

talking to eachother
through lyrics
of music played too loud,
through screaming,
for screamings sake
through clasped hands
and speed.

flicking caution
out the open windows
like ashes
from our cigarettes

seeking penance
by the lighters light
and absolution
by the dayglo dashboard

Some things
are easier said
when you know
the person will
always
be beside you

never in front of
or behind.

confessions

2005-04-17T09:59:00.000-04:00

ok, so. I've got to talk about something that has been bothering me for awhile. and it's kind of a touchy subject. some people may not understand my viewpoint. but I can't keep it to myself any longer. at any rate this is going to be hard for me to work through, so some lenience please.

*deep breath*

why is eric roberts haunting me? seriously. why am I always seeing that guy on t.v? what rabid twist of fate led to his career of every music video ever. I've really tried to be calm about this. but I have no problem admitting I've cracked. I think this is just a small manifestation of a musical crisis I'm going through. and with the way trends are going I don't believe I'll be coming out of it any time soon. I still blame eric roberts.

at least rob thomas has cut his hair. it's the little things, I guess.

off to sleep, and if I dream of eric roberts, you'll hear me scream.

a moment of silence...

2005-04-14T05:43:00.000-04:00

or however you choose to acknowledge a passing.

for my car. and everything therein.

thank you.

half thought through, a third finished...

2005-03-31T07:56:00.000-05:00

it's funny to realize when someone has lost faith in you. to realize everyone has lost faith in you. even funnier to realize you have lost faith in yourself. too many of my sentences begin with the condition " I used to..." or " I'm not usually like this but..." what happened? where along the way did I lose everything I used to be? I have my sneaking suspicions when it all begain. too long willingly giving myself away in pieces, to shore up those that never gave a fuck where the support came from. or even realized whose back they are consistently standing on. eventually there is a limit, or at least in my case, everything has run out. and now, when I need to give, there is nothing there. and most days I can't even bring myself to care.

but I am tired of dissapointing. of hearing that resignation in people's voices in reference to me. of feeling justified because after all, someone did it to me first. of constantly turning everything into something about me. and please, refrain from pointing out how that last statement directly contradicts the entire point of having an online journal. the irony hasn't escaped me.

I don't know how to rebuild people's faith, because I don't know how to rebuild myself. I'm not sure I even want to.

the twilight zone

2005-03-29T07:53:00.000-05:00

here's how the conversation went:

you: you know, I'm thinking we should make the deadline christmas

me: really?

you: yeah, you know, just have there be nothing to do when we come back for christmas.

me: ok.

you: see my point? I mean we could finish next week and yay, but the deadline is december.

me: yeah, no, that makes total sense. I see your point.

how the conversation should have gone:

you: you know, I'm thinking we should make the deadline christmas.

me: are you completely fucking crazy? there is no fucking way. nutjob.

*sigh*

tradition

2005-03-17T07:51:00.000-05:00

usually I only have my memories to toast on this day and a promise to keep. but, this year brings a double edged sword. something to make the memories achingly clear. so much so that I've lost myself a few times to the movie reel in my head.

to pupey: all the roads lead back to you. whether I want them to or not.

to the future and those that have one.

drink up.

cuspy

2005-02-23T22:26:00.000-05:00

here's where being half gemini kicks my ass.

I love my best friend. he's a wonderful man. and he's had to work really hard to get that way, past obstacles that put lesser men under. And for all intents and purposes he is considered a part of my family. though never by me. our relationship is too complicated to be put safely in a labeled category.

My father is sick. And soon will be going in to have some massive surgery. The closest sister and her husband are two hours away. and me and my other sister and her husband are on the other side of the continent So while my dad can't do anything, it's a bitch for her and her husband to make the trek every weekend to take care of things. Not that that is a complaint of theirs. but logistically if something needs to be done on a daily basis, or an emergency happens, they aren't going to be much help. So boo calls my mother up at work and says 'hey if the driveway needs shoveling, or whatever. the girls need a ride from the airport when they come in. anything. call and let me know.' That's an incredibly sweet thing right?

So why is my first instinct to be wicked annoyed? And want to tell him to back off?

Because I'm fucking insane.

And I hate information I can't control.

I claim no responsibility for the words that follow...

2005-02-18T04:52:00.000-05:00

so here's the thing. I don't like drugs that aren't recreational. For a lot of different reasons. A big one being if I'm gonna fuck with my mind and body it sure as hell is going to be for something more fun than a fucking tylenol. So I live an over the counter drugstore free life. Or at least I try really hard. I admit, sometimes I cave to people nagging me and I'm not an idiot, if a doctor prescribes something I take it. Usually.

what's that? what's my point you say? well I'll tell you. I've been sick. This in itself is an unusual thing for me. So much so that I've had to listen to people be all shocked and weirded out about it. "what? you're sick? man, that's just weird." Now there is an inherent trait that is genetically encoded into each member of my family, I think it stems from my mother's side, wherein we worry. About the strangest things. So my sister is always convinced I am dying. Maybe because I was all sorts of fucked up as a youngin, but that's an entirely different pity me story. She made up her mind that she was trucking the 8 blocks to walgreens and getting me medication. Long story short (too late!) ((+5 points to your 'I like you' column if you can name the movie reference)) I've been cracked out of my mind for far too many days.

I hate the way this shit makes me feel. I become extremely disassociated. I don't mean groggy. I mean sociopathic disassociated. Like you know you're stabbing someone 44 times but you can't make the connection that that's a bad thing. So besides freaking out the nice people letting me live with them, I am seriously beginning to doubt my ability to function in normal society.

On the plus side I think things like this and am actually inclined to share them:

Have you ever read a toothpaste tube? Am I the only one just a tad freaked out by the dire warning: If you swallow more than the amount recommended for brushing (roughly pea size) you should get medical help or contact Poison Control immediately. And beyond that. Has anyone ever tried to kill someone with an overdose of toothpaste? I want to see a murder mystery surrounding that MO. Or a comedy of suicidal errors ala the beginning of Better off Dead.

this is me on no fun drugs. Someday I'll do an entry on fun ones. Sadly there might not be a difference.

click click

2005-02-16T12:16:00.000-05:00

There are lots of things I could be saying. some good, some bad, some I'd like to keep lying to myself about. so words are not where I am at. Instead, I'll direct you to a few places that have been occupying my attention for one reason or another.

not for jackasses

hidden watson

fandom

geeky

grim reaper

for every good piece, there are several bad

2005-01-25T04:10:00.000-05:00

Nothing ever
falls apart
casually

When things
fall apart

They fall apart
so hard

No period
of calm,
just debris
flying every which way,
but up

a cacophony

but that's life.

I understand that
I really do

I've been trying to
be your pillar,
something
to hold onto

what I'm
rapidly beginning
to realize
is that
the trouble doesn't lie
in you holding onto me
but rather
me
holding onto you

each little bit of
distance creeping in
leaves me
at a loss
on how to stop
you from
drifting away
on a current

dorothy and the twister
all over again.
**********************************

(emotional maracas)

it's a good thing
you can't
pick people up
and shake them

to hear them
rattle inside
from all the pieces
broken

it's a good thing
I don't clatter
as I walk
down the streets

giving away
the fact that
I am mangled

I've been
playing
at living
so long

getting by
cause no one
can hear

no one can detect
my fragmentation

it's a fool that swears to you
they can't act.

now that the
time has come
to be everything
I've been
pretending to be
I don't know
where to begin
picking up my pieces

how to fit them together

or how to keep them
from divulging
the truth

when I fall.
**********************************

pushed
to the point of distraction
it's all
bubbling up inside you
isn't it?

I'd resort
to arm chair
psycho babble
to feel like
I know you,
know what's going on

reassure
where there is
not a leg
to stand on

except that
each minute
that ticks by
cracks me open
like a sieve
where every doubt
I keep reined in
begins to leak out

I'm on the bottom
looking up
from a pattern I've already
fallen into.

again.

You'll notice
I'm gone
by the time
it's too late.
**********************************

I hate to ask

really.

One more thing
to add to your plate.

I understand
if you simply
haven't the time

honestly.

being last minute
and all.

but could you
spare a minute

to help me
hold it together?

I'm afraid

if I take one more step
I'll crumble.

call it what you like, just make sure you call it

2004-12-11T04:17:00.000-05:00

took to drinking
this evening

put "something"
on loop playback
loud as the speakers
and landlord
allow

grabbed this pen
and paper
to try to articulate
what I would
rather forget

it's odd to miss
what you never
really had

running so
hot and cold
I don't know
what to do with myself

let alone
what I must
be doing to you

I'd give you
what you want

if I only knew what you wanted

if I knew how.

all this rhetoric
'bout time
and change
rings just as hollow
from this side
of the bottle

cause time has passed
and things have changed
and I'm still here

something in the way you move
something in the way you know
something in the things you show me
something in your voice

I keep wondering
if it's enough

sure thing
the answers aren't
in a song
in a bottle
or on this notepad

but they're all I've got
tonight.

bang your head

2004-12-08T21:28:00.000-05:00

all over the place today. listlessness, anger, resentment, bit of depression, and a pounding head are all combining to make it hard to focus on something other than myself. which is never good.

I don't enjoy conciliatory or pacifistic behaviour coming from third party players. It is more energy I have to expend to assure them I'm quite fine. no matter that I'm not, and that there is nothing wrong with that.

comprehend this: it is ok to not be fine.

nothing can change it. even consolation prizes. I keep thinking I'll get used to this. but I never do. and it makes me despise emotions all over again, and their brittle constitution. and optimism, which is responsible for each throb of my head I am sure.

too many people have a say in my life, and they want it to suit them, on their terms, on their timeline. feeling over-exposed. I want some time to figure things out without people watching me. call it cowardice, call it fear, call it whatever you'd like. I still want it. and I'm beginning to doubt that I'll ever get it.

it would be nice to curl up in the dark, with the music loud, by myself, miserable. until it passes. but I don't have that option. at least not for a couple days.

so I'm stuck. all over the place.

things on my mind

2004-11-29T00:53:00.000-05:00

what is the difference between cute and beautiful? what bridges the distance? what makes you define one way or the other? aesthetics? subjectivity? rules? how do you peel that label off your being? how do you affix the one you want?

how often do you realize that labels affect? I think we forget who is listening. I know I do.

It is amazing the degree of wanting that comes from letting yourself experience something. If you close yourself off, you still want it. But it is a manageable thing. A passing irritant. But once you break down, that's all there is. wanting. Is the problem that you broke down? Or that you purposely avoided it?

How do you reconcile fear that has been a foundation of your person since you were old enough to understand who you were, and what you were becoming? I don't know how to trust enough to open the avenue that things might not be ok.

As wrong as it sounds, I wish I could play god sometimes. Wish I could control things like the world was a whiteboard. Wish I could wipe people away with a paper towel. As if I know best. Because in this case, I do, and nothing you can say will convince me otherwise.

I want a day where there is no mention of her name. where I can pretend that she does not exist. that she has no bearing on my life, or yours. That, that particular stitch in time was never sewn. And I will have it if it kills me.

for the people who question my chipperness

2004-11-16T01:09:00.000-05:00

apparently, as I have been told quite frequently lately, I'm not chipper enough here. Or well in general. And since I have no desire to fuck around with the in general part, I figured I would give it a whirl in here. As any good problem solver would, I'm going to try to define the problem before approaching the solutions. What exactly is chipper?

In lively spirits; cheerful.
One that chips or cuts: a wood chipper.
1. To chirp or twitter, as a bird.
2. To babble.
To chirp or chirrup.
adj : having a cheerful, lively, and self-confident air;
"looking chipper, like a man...diverted by his own wit"- Frances G. Patton
"life that is gay, brisk, and debonair"- H.M.Reynolds
"walked with a jaunty step";
"a jaunty optimist"

ok. let's take this step by step. "In lively spirits" Now I would argue that I fulfill this requirement quite well, relating it to the more traditional definition of spirits, i.e. alcohol. I try as often as possible to be in lively spirits. And I succeed. Great! "cheerful" this one is a little bit harder. and a little bit more vague, so let's break it down some more.

1. Being in good spirits; merry.
2. Promoting a feeling of cheer; pleasant: a cozy, cheerful room.
3. Reflecting willingness or good humor: contributed her cheerful labor to the project.

well lookee there, "being in good spirits, merry". or drunk if you will. check. "promoting a feeling of cheer; pleasant" whenever people are around me, they always seem to feel better about themselves. You know I can make anyone feel better about themselves, simply by affording them the knowledge that they aren't me. I'd say I have that down. "reflecting willingness or good humor" I have been known to eat those good humor chocolate eclairs while looking in a mirror and I've got the willingness down. I believe it is more commonly referred to as a chump and or sap in slang terms. So check.

let's see on to "one that chips or cuts" now I don't think this is entirely fair or applicable, but I'll be a good sport (see 'chump') it's a stretch but I have been known to deal a mean hand of poker and blackjack, lots of chips involved there. I eat chips. ooh! I also have chips on my shoulders. And I'm always chipping away at something, dedication I call it. As for the cutting, well I'm quite fond of saying "I'll cut you". So..check! "to chirp or twitter" hmm....a bit tougher. I inherited from my father the somewhat annoying habit of always making random noises, some of which could be classified as chirps and or twitters. So check. "to babble" I enter this entire blurty as proof of this claim. check! I'm gonna go ahead and lump "chirp or chirrup" in with "chirp or twitter" you agree with that right? right! so all taken care of. "having a cheerful, lively, and self-confident air" got the cheerful and got the lively already. self-confident.....I have been known to be afflicted with this at times, but it's not generally a permanent condition. "like a man...diverted by his own wit" I'm often, pretty much all the time to be exact, distracted by my own wit. "life that is gay, brisk, and debonair" um....do I really need to address this? Seems pretty self evident. check! "walked with a jaunty step" all my steps are jaunty!! for sure check! "a jaunty optimist" I'm an eternal optimist, much to my great disappointment. check!

there, an in-depth and concise argument that clearly outlines just how chipper I am. This should put all other disagreements to rest. A chipper entry in my blurty. no more lamenting ladies. Proof of my all around chipperness. feel free to apply the same method to yourself to ascertain your level of chipperness.

time in a nutshell, a very vague nutshell

2004-11-11T23:10:00.000-05:00

it's been a crazy four weeks. they say to begin at the beginning of long stories, but I haven't one, and I doubt very much an end is in sight. So bear with me as I muddle through the middle.

Anytime you get a group of people together there is going to be an odd one out, someone who doesn't quite fit. More often than not that person is going to be me. Whether I cultivate that role, or it is simply my lot, I have stopped trying to figure out. I believe it comes down to my personality. Watching other people's interactions. Some will grapple, rip, tear, and rend to clutch attention, whether it's everyone's or a certain core person's. I don't. And I have no desire to stand in the way of person who does. Even though it is well within my ability to do so. I dislike cliques. I learned my lesson on groups of people, especially women, the hard way. Several times over. I'm not going to force my presence, if you want to be a duo, trio, quad you can be one and I'll appear when it's time to be a group again. Same goes for if you want to be solitary. I also can't get in line with the circuitous communication. It makes the game of telephone look like a clear concise way to get your message across. All that being said, I have a tendency to act weird. It's something I'm quite upfront about, but it does lend itself to people dissecting my motives, when there are none.

I get tired of people's perceptions being laid on my shoulders, their conclusions constantly confronting me, no matter how I try to correct them. Their double-sidedness. the belief that everything about me is free game, but the same courtesy isn't afforded to me.

I witnessed someone recently proceeding down a path I am quite familiar with. One that nothing good can come from. If I had thought it would have been appreciated, accepted, or even if it would have done any bit of good, I would have sat them down and shared. Explained how I had already been down this road, and the only thing you end up with are broken hearts, severed relationships, and a blending so severe between love and hate that it takes years to sort it all out again, if you ever can.

That old saying, if you love something let it go? It's really true. You have to love someone enough to see them happy without you in their life. You have to love them enough to realize when you are nothing but detrimental. Because if you can't you're just trying to own them. manipulate them. And there is no room for that in a mature relationship. well, if healthy is what you're going for, at any rate. And healthy is probably the last thing you're thinking about. Cause the concept is probably foreign.

Spent a good majority of time saying goodbye to people. Fulfilling a pattern I unknowingly put in motion a long time ago. I don't know how to say goodbye anymore. Emotions really, play no part. It's pretty much right up there with death on my unnatural reaction scale. But it's starting to hit me now. Especially now. When I get the phone calls, and the awkwardness of adjusting to not being in each other's lives anymore. Feeling colder lately.

It's good to know that I still won't take things that are freely given. Still can't quit take that last step. nevermind that it might be put before me, solely for the purpose of my taking it. I like to know I haven't wised up yet. dense and consistent. and chicken. that's me.

It's frustrating for me to see people I care about continually make the same mistakes, choose over and over to surround themselves with the same kind of people. Every person has a history of encounters that has worn holes in their armor. Most tend to choose the same kinds of people that will reinforce the trauma left behind by others. Because it is what they know, what they expect. They wouldn't know what to do with someone who didn't fulfill those expectations. And no matter how apparent it is to me, that they continue this cycle, it isn't exactly like I can point it out to them. who wants to hear and believe that they reinforce every bad thing that has happened to them with every friend or partner they choose? I know I wouldn't want to hear it. especially since I would most likely already be aware of it. But patterns aren't so easy to change. I know I've been guilty of it before. Hell, I'm probably doing it right now. And that's just depressing. I wish it was a situation where I could speak freely. Or more to the point I wish it was a situation that words would magically make better.

Feeling constantly like a vagabond. I did not imagine my life like this. Then again that doesn't mean much since I didn't imagine my life at all. but still. I should have made other choices. But I did not. and it is too late for that now. Just really overwhelmed with wanting my time to be my own. Not feeling indebted or controlled by someone. The guilt and gratitude reach heights that I fear sometimes will drown me.

Karma is no joke. No matter how much I think I've repaid my misspent youth etc. I still get lovely reminders that it's not enough yet. Fitting really for a former punk to get rolled. The poetic justiceness of it all is really the icing on the cake. Especially since I'm most irked about the fact that I got rolled and not that they took my shit. Talk about a blow to the ego. I've gotten soft! and that just sucks.

Adjusting to a new city. Trying to adjust my life. Trying to fit when really I want to be somewhere else. Just trying.

bit o fun

2004-10-02T09:18:00.000-04:00

Stolen from E. The point: strike out what I feel doesn't apply to me. I'm easily amused.

MAY:
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and ~~highly motivated~~. Sharp thoughts. ~~Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention.~~ Deep feelings. ~~Beautiful physically and mentally~~. Firm Standpoint. ~~Needs no motivation. Easily consoled.~~ Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ~~ear~~ and neck. Good imagination. ~~Good physical.~~ Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. ~~Dislike being at home.~~ Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. ~~Spendthrift.~~

pbbt. and eye rolling.

2004-10-01T10:24:00.000-04:00

Do you ever sit and analyze how unhealthy you are? I don't mean physically, though that certainly plays a part. But more your unhealthy patterns, your dysfunction. I do. Which I am sure adds to the unhealthy list. Can't be good for you. I do not think. But it is fascinating.

I make things more difficult than they have to be. Always. Mostly because I am always blind. Not usually tentative. I plow forward taking what comes and doing with it what I feel I can. Which generally is not a lot. My own lacking, never anyone else's. I am not careful with emotions, because I do not understand them. What they do, what they cause, what they effect. Most people will not believe that. But I am careless with them because they have no meaning to me. So it is trial and error. What happens when I do this. It's also why I make things more difficult. Why I beat dead horses.

It effects my relationships with people. I only feel things in the scope of an amputee with phantom pain. I will put everything I have into them, until they are gone. And they are always gone. And will only remember them with that same sort of trickery of nerve synapses. I know that they use to be there. And that they use to be a part of me. I miss them, and it hurts, but it is only an echo of something that has already happened and has no chance of happening again, in the same way.

I don't think people understand this. I want to shake them until they do. As if violence will pave the way for understanding. I do not have enough faith. It requires a leap of faith, to stop having things be an echo, and have them be real. I have enough faith to soldier on, but not enough to build a bridge into permanency. That is where everything begins to fall apart. I am sure I have all the tools needed, just not the knowledge. Not the faith. In this case the two are synonomous, who would have thought that would ever happen? One as etheral a concept as love, and the other equated with concrete, solid. But they are closer than I ever would have believed. With all my studying, learning, looking, and processing I am only now beginning to understand.

I never start anything without being fully aware of its end. And while there is a certain romantic angst to to fatalism, to being tortured and wounded and arty; it does not herald well a bright future.Most of this belongs in a letter I have only begun to write. Which will lay unfinished more than likely.

Because I don't know what my point is. Or what it will change. Or even if it matters.

lightbulbs and hourglasses

2004-07-22T05:09:00.000-04:00

time has the ability to bury things. old hurts, wounds, scars, resentment, pain. all the things that crop up between two people who inhabit so much of the other's space. Some things get dealt with and moved passed. Some never get mentioned, they are held silent, in our heads, in our hearts. time buries them equally, till if you're lucky, you forget they exist to some extent.

but unlike real sand, it does not take effort to dig things up between people. it can be so easy, a word or two, and in a flash, you feel as if no time has gone by. or the bittersweet reminder of things that will never leave you completely. It is an ache there is no cure for. you just acknowledge and wait for time to bury it again. or decide that it is too much, and let the person go. leave everything buried. A graveyard to mark who you were to each other once.

sometimes you dance around a buried hurt. One person reluctant to share it, speak it aloud, make it real, have to deal with it. The other completely in the dark, they just keep poking till it pops up, till they can understand what keeps the distance firmly in place. till they understand why they can never really reach the other person, why they can never really see quite all of them anymore. And if they are sucessful, finally things spring into place, everything shifts, becomes sharper around the edges. And you have to deal with the reality of whatever it is. whether the other person knows it or not. and so I am.

he looked at me and said.."well, it's not like I'm going to follow you wherever you go". and I really wanted to say why not? I really wanted to question that belief. why not me?

a light has dawned. all the words he has said, in the moments of weakness, of vulnerability. all the dreams, the plans for the future. the countless hours I have sat listening. what do they mean now?

he has made his choice. over and over again. it has just taken me this long to understand that. now all that's left is for me to understand why wasn't it me? when it should have been. and to decide if I will continue to choose him above all others.

Do I add another graveyard? or just a tombstone?

2004-07-15T00:20:00.000-04:00

I did not think I could hate inantimate objects or specific spaces of time. Turns out I can. And quite vehemently too.

when it rains, it pours

2004-07-14T00:56:00.000-04:00

I've been told that people liked this better in the beginning, because the entries were more real, more about me, and though I don't like to admit it; they are right. In the beginning I did not have to worry about the consequences of my actions. Slowly this has become more about what I feel other people will be ok with and not what I really want to write. But the ground has become shaky and I don't know the ramifications of anything I might say or do anymore. So it has come down to self censorship, which I abhor, or just processing everything internally. I tend to lean toward the latter naturally, but in true me like fashion I am choosing neither one at the moment. So here's the good old college try, the contents of my head as they come.

There is so much going on, happening, taking shape, taking form. And at the same time, nothing much is happening. And that's really the most accurate way to describe my life for more months than I would like to count. To process the emotions that are actually taking place I tend to need to disengage and really look at myself. And most nights I am not able to do that. My attentions are required elsewhere. And quite honestly I probably don't want to look. But lately I've been moving more and more towards disengaging. Because my level of frustration is reaching a point where it's leaking out onto other people.

I've always sectioned off people in my life, in reference to what they can know about me. Or what I will share with them. Keeping the different sections quite separate. Living a splintered life is hard on a person, it's even harder when you are the one that insists on splintering it. I quite often find myself, even if I want to speak, having no one to tell it too. Because while they may be perfectly happy to listen, the backstory, the history I would have to relate in order to have them be on the same page as I am. In order to have them really understand, is too much effort for a moment of weakness. But more and more the dichotomy is wearing thin and I would enjoy someone who I could talk to. The problem being with this is that once you bring someone in, inevitably at some point it is them you have to talk about, and then where do you go? someone else? too much talking behind backs for me, when it should be communicated to the person you're talking about in the first place. Perhaps I'll finally start feeling better about putting all my eggs in one basket and seeing which ones don't crack.

Do you think you reach a point where death doesn't mean anything anymore? I've seen it too much, dealt with it's after effects, heard it from other people, held them while they fell apart too much to process it anymore. My friend's cousin died this morning, and I found myself struggling to respond with anything that was halfway helpful. It's probably not the healthiest disposition to have, but I'm somewhat reluctant to change it. Sometime soon I'll be facing it again, and I would rather be numb for it, than "normal". Depsite how gruesome that may seem.

What do you do when you have lost common ground? When you can no longer touch them though they might be sitting right next to you? What do you do when there is nothing left to say? When you don't want to push for scrutiny and you don't want to be scrutinized? What do you do when you learn more from someone else than you do them? Where do you go when you've forgotten where you began? Do you keep talking even when they don't believe a thing you say? Do you push for definition, just to make your life easier? Do you become what they want you to be? because they need it? because it's maybe, the only thing you can give? Where is the line between banter and lies? How do you explain frustration when all they will see is recrimination? How do you point out double standards and blatant falsehoods? Why bother? How do you see past your own jealousies to the point of the whole matter? How do you stop feeling second best? How do you stop it mattering? because it really shouldn't. How do you learn to accept as it comes? As it goes?

Do you ever feel like you're moving entirely too fast and there is nothing you can do to arrest the motion? And that even if you could, you're not so sure you want to. Have you ever felt that you are living with lies no matter how hard you try to embody truth? That you dread the time when people realize it as well, you dread it with a stomach churning sort of worry, but you welcome it at the same time, because then you no longer have any appearances to keep up, and when they leave (and they will, in some way, shape, or form) you will be able to say, I knew it all along. Triumphant even in your misery.

I dive right into situations I am not familiar with. I am a risk taker. I don't want to think about it, I just want to do it, and see what happens. That doesn't mean that I don't think, it's just that I choose, and choose rather quickly to not pay attention to the consequences. More and more I find myself almost drowning in the deep end. I would like to take my time, but it seems I am not capable of it. And sometimes when I am not able to cram my head with other things, the what ifs come to call. The inevitable outcome that will be quite painful, and in some scenarios, detrimental to my future. Assuming I have one. This is why I don't gamble, I will always take the long shot. Just to see. People mistakenly believe I have no hope or faith, quite the opposite is true, I have too much.

There is a difference between not wanting someone to change, and accepting them, or things about them as is. Having the former does not always precipitate the latter. And if you really really think about that. it's a scary realization.

I've begun to tell people that I'm leaving. And while I've always known come september I was leaving. I'm sure most people didn't believe me. I'm quite positive I'm making another bad choice in a string of them, but it's the whole headfirst affliction I have going on. why not? My father was the biggest surprise. Considering the amount of interaction our entire relationship consists of. That he was unhappy caught me off guard. I had always assumed he resented my presence. Though whether that was a holdover of my feelings from when I was a child or bore a hint of truth, I don't know. That he wants me to stay, I have no idea what to do with. I'm sure my mother feels the same, but she resigned herself long ago to losing us all. And for the most part, she wants that. Though there is a core of resentment that I can't really hold against her. I've got two months to get to a point where I feel ok leaving. And I'm pretty sure that's not going to happen. Too much left undone. Left unsaid. Too much left unknown about where I'm going and what I'm doing.

Boo has always known, he knows when I say something is going to happen, it is. But really grasping that is another thing. We have spent the majority of our lives apart now. And it never changes, when I am gone, he misses me, and I am left to deal with the phone calls, phone calls that take a toll on my conscience as well as my emotions. We miss so much of each other's lives. But when I am in a position to have us be closer, he grates against it with everything he has. I don't understand, to some extent I don't even care anymore. I listen to him waffle back and forth about leaving. Listen to him say he would come with me, just to know that he will change his mind again. Listen to how he wants to leave here, but when the time comes to do something about it, he flakes. I understand. I understand his motivations probably better than he does. But it doesn't stop my frustration with the whole situation. Or the fact that this separation might be the one we cannot gap. And where do we go from there?

these are the contents of my head...

who knows?

2004-07-03T08:20:00.000-04:00

Trading the sun
for the moon
trying to counteract
the fact
that your night
is just beginning
while mine
is drawing to a close

borrowed time
rushed
stolen
squeezed between
the have to's and musts

when is too much
too much?

when is too much
never enough?

Questions I need you
to answer.

The future
is unclear
as always
and there are some things
I despair
in knowing,
even more
to say aloud

to make them right

Uncertainties
like pearls
in their infancy
start small
and grate
and chafe
molding
into something
else entirely

threaded carefully
on a string
tangled in my mind

if I were less of a coward
I would seek your
reassurances

if I were more of
an optimist
I would not need them

in the middle
of the night
when l pour out
these thoughts to you

a tidal wave
of vulnerabilities

remember that
I need the truth
more than
I need my delusions

however painful.

be the sun
when I can only see the moon.

other words...

2004-05-25T05:16:00.000-04:00

The Letter

Little cramped words scrawling all over the paper
Like draggled fly’s legs,
What can you tell of the flaring moon
Through the oak leaves?
Or of my uncurtained window and the bare floor
Spattered with moonlight?
Your silly quirks and twists have nothing in them
Of blossoming hawthorns,
And this paper is dull, crisp, smooth, virgin of loveliness
Beneath my hand.

I am tired, Beloved, of chafing my heart against
The want of you;
Of squeeezing it into little inkdrops,
And posting it.
And I scald alone, here, under the fire
Of the great moon.

-Amy Lowell

science won't leave me alone

2004-05-06T23:20:00.000-04:00

There’s a breathless sort of feeling encompassing me that smacks of changes coming. Cryptic phone messages, correspondence sitting long overdue, phone calls I should have made. Lists and lists of things I should have done already, lying all about. The walls are closing in, the days where I just don’t care, where the tenacious clawing that is a staple of the living is absent, are coming one after the other. And I’m struggling not to turn to outside means to escape. I sit in the dark and turn the music up and smile when the beat takes up residence in my sternum, shaking each rib one by one. Where I can count on the music to take over for my heart that should be beating, but finds itself reluctant to continue such a monotonous rhythm.

I’m taking advantage of a small space of time where I have no one looking at me. Carefully cataloguing my every move. Expecting things of me that I am convinced I can never give. And I waste it sitting here, writing this. And over and above the chaos of whatever is coming, over the deafening music, over the roaring white noise that is my consciousness, over the vigilant solitude are thoughts of people. Nagging emotional ties, that pull and stretch and consume.

I’m finding myself learning the other side of emotions I had never thought to know. Because each emotion has always had two sides to me:

Infatuation
Need
Guilt
Worry
Obsession
Love
Want
Power
Desperation
Futility

My brain is a prism and each occurrence just another refracted frequency of light. The music is no longer loud enough.

mental ticker tape

2004-04-22T21:57:00.000-04:00

Just once I would like to hear "Yes, I want you here, please come." rather than "It's all up to you, you can come, or you can not, makes no difference to me." Without the reason being some dire drama filled crying phone call. Why is it so easy to be desperate? But you can't say what you want on any normal fucking day?

I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of people who I let make me cry. Doesn't matter the reason, hurt, pain, happiness, a commercial. I want it all to stop.

I either want to be a mind reader, or I want people to stop expecting me to be one.

I'm tired of second hand information. I'd like to hear things from you. I'd like to know that the silences are not you telling someone else, what you could be telling me.

I'd like to know what to say. All the time. I'd like to stop the gut wrenching worrying that I'm going to say the wrong thing. Be the wrong person. Not be sympathetic enough, caring enough, involved enough. I'd like to not know that I'm entirely self-involved. Or better yet, I'd like to not be entirely self-involved.

I'm tired of stipulations on all my relationships. I'm tired of: well you'll only get this far, unless you do this. I don't want any more fucking ultimatums, unspoken or not. I'll compromise as much as the next person. I'll work just as much as you will to keep this connection going. But stop toying with me.

I'm tired of distance. Real miles as well as metaphysical. Probably more metaphsyical, since I can change locations at any given time, but I don't always know how to reach you when you're right next to me.

I'm tired of double standards. I no longer want to be an open book. I don't think I ever wanted to be one.

I'm tired of pink elephants. I'm tired of secrets. I'm tired of having things to confess. I'm tired of duality.

I'm tired of jealousy. Extremely tired of this merry go round of emotions.

I'm tired of wanting. Of all kinds.

I don't know why I never take the time to write the things in my head that make me happy. The things that bring me joy. Probably because when I am happy I want to be furthest I can be from words, from pens and paper, and this machine for the purpose of writing. These are just the build up of things, from every day, things that have refused to go away, or be addressed. Things that pop into my head, that popped into my head when I looked at this page.

perpetuating the chain

2004-04-21T18:02:00.000-04:00

So three questions. If anyone is actually reading this (yes I know two of you are) and you have some questions you're just dying to ask me, here's your chance. Though I would wonder why you didn't just ask me in the first place.

Any question, and you'll get a truthful answer. Send an email, post them here, smoke signals, morse code, hell, you could even dig up a marconi if you wanted.

words that say it better than I could

2004-04-08T08:17:00.000-04:00

Rage

In me there is a rage to defy
the order of the stars
despite their pretty patterns.
To see if Gods who hold forth now
on human thrones
can will away my lust
to dare
and press to order the anarchy
I would serve.

The silence between your words
rams into me
like a sword.
--------------------------------
Will

It does not impress me that I have
a mind.
Chance amuses me.
Coincidence makes me laugh
out loud.
Fate weighs me down
too heavy.

When I can't bear not seeing
you another second,
I send out my
will;
when it brings us face to
face,
there's an invisible power
I respect!

-Alice Walker

you assume I have a point...silly you

2004-04-02T03:11:00.000-05:00

I believe in any relationship you reach a point where you begin to wonder why you love this person. Maybe things are hard, frustrations pile up, and the work that it takes to keep things going just seems like too much. In relationships that have lasted a long time, you reach this point more than most. Generally, when I come to find myself anguishing over this question, I fade away. I come to the conclusion that loving them is too hard. Well, no, that isn’t accurate, not that loving them is too hard, because I still do that. I haven’t gotten to the point where I know how to stop loving someone. I’m not sure anybody ever does. But I come to conclusion that I don’t fit in their lives, or they don’t fit in mine, and it’s better to quit chafing to make it seem so. All you do is rub away the parts that made you love each other in the first place.

It has taken me a long time and a lot of lessons to understand that love is work. Any kind of love, any kind of relationship is work. And balance. Allowing the other person to grow, making sure that while you grow you keep them in the loop. Listening, really hearing what they tell you. Supporting their decisions. Millions of other little tidbits. And even with the great strides I have made, I still know that I have so much left to learn. I’m ok with that. In some ways, I look forward to it.

Lately all I’ve been doing is asking myself if it’s worth it. Everything is beginning to seem too hard. Or pointless. And I’m beginning to look at people with questions rather than the answers I already know. I’ve been coming close to giving up. But I woke up today to something that reminded me why I love. My sleep had been filled with dreams of some of the people that have been giving me the most cause to question and I had decided to stop, decided that really maybe it wasn’t worth it. But eight little insignificant words, left for me on a whim, for no real purpose, made me laugh. God, did I laugh. And a little bit of the weight the rests on my heart lifted. All the reasons I’ve worked so hard, refused to let them drift away from me, came rushing back.

It’s really the little things. The things you do without motive, without greater purpose that count the most for me. Calling because you wanted to, not because there was something you needed to tell me. Letters hand written just to say I am missed. Emails filled with nothing but ramblings just because you wanted to connect with me. The pebble you picked up on a walk that you gave me because you thought I might like it. Messages left on a whim, just to make me laugh. Those count, oftentimes more than people realize. I’m going to make damn sure that they know those eight words were very much needed.

So I’m firmly grabbing hold again. The white towel has been put away. I know I’ll come to the point where things are hard again, and the questions are coming one on top of the other. I’ll look at the combined history and only see the problems. But I know something will come along to knock some sense in me.

I'm hoping I can return the favor, for someone else. Remind them without even knowing, why they love me, or why they love something. Make them smile, and laugh, and look at things in not quite so dire a fashion.

to just about everyone I know...

2004-04-01T06:16:00.000-05:00

Somebody asked me, wouldn’t it be nice to have a rewind button for life? And initially I would say yes. There are tons of things that I could have done differently, better, or not at all. But after having sat here, confronted with some of my decisions, I say no. I would not want a rewind button. I have done the things I have done. Made the decisions I have made. Said the things I have said. Because that was who I was then, I did what I did as best as I was capable of. It’s quite often not pretty, or likeable, or even admirable. But it was all me, without the supposed magical gift of hindsight. So I claim my regrets gladly, knowingly and will continue on.

Acceptance, however, does not preclude wishing things had been different. That is the nature of regret. Idly, at least once a day, I envision a world that is not shrouded in secrecy and intrigue, and varying levels of trust. I can indulge in such nonsense in my head, because while the reality of such a thing would frighten me beyond belief, the idea is theoretically perfect. I would not have to wonder when I was treading too heavily, I would not have to worry about the things you are saying to other people, that you feel you cannot say to me. I would not have to carefully pick over my actions bit by bit to piece together which one caused which problem. Ideally…perfect. But in reality, no one is strong enough for that kind of disclosure. Not even me, even though I want it. I want it despite the hurt, because, perhaps mistakenly, I figure it has got to be better than the wondering.

I can sit here and say all the things I have been holding back. I can sit here and say that I want to listen to you, no matter what is in your head. I can sit here and say that I am sorry for hurting you. And none of it matters, if you are not listening. If you are not willing to believe me.

Now. If I could just take these words to heart, just as much as I would urge you too. Everything would be ideal.

always words....

2004-03-31T07:36:00.000-05:00

Gild wears away
shines begin to dull
rose tint fades to blue

there is an inevitableness
with infatuation
that I am well aware of,
but it hasn’t stopped me

from flinching
when the silences
get too long
when the urgency
begins to wane
when the goodbyes
cease to linger.

Knowing nothing lasts
hasn’t prepared me
for the finality
of the end.
*********************

Do I
take two steps
forward
or two steps
back?

I’ve reached
the ever present fork
in all my roads

One path
that will lead me
unerringly
straight,
despite the bumps
to you.

The other a switchback
that will
allow me
to retreat
gracefully,
without detection
from this
whatever
we’re doing.

I want
so much
to cut and run
from the
anxiety you bring,
the insecurities
you highlight,
the absolute
upheaval
your presence
manifests

but for the fact
that I love your voice
when I hear it
and I love your attention
when you give it
and I love pleasing you
when I finally manage it.

I love thinking
that you might want me
too

so it’s
one step forward
and
one step back
guaranteeing I’m
going nowhere
with you.

trick questions and problems

2004-03-23T06:00:00.000-05:00

What the hell am I doing?

It’s taken me three hours to get past just reciting that question endlessly in my head.

I listen to other people and I begin to think maybe I see one of the problems causing me so much trouble. There is a distinct delineation that they have, a definition of lines they are sure to adhere to. Cut and dry and compact. Bold.

All my lines are blurring. I cannot define even if I were to use a metaphorical chisel.

I don’t believe in making something less than it is because it is not conventional. I use the buzz words without thinking, out of habit, and so people can understand a little of what I’m saying, when really the buzz words mean nothing to me. People are people to me, there are no lines, no definitions, no boxes that suit when it comes to them. And maybe that’s where the communication gets severed, where the synapses misfire, because some part of me yearns for that stability and when I cannot produce it I am thrown into utter mental mayhem.

Really I get hurt by the tiniest things. Never at all what you would expect. And, if I’m honest, never at all by what I would expect either. The trick is deciding when the hurt is justified. When is it concrete enough to be given voice to? The trick is not falling into established patterns. Not dissolving away, mired in confusion, knowing no more than I did to start with knowledge wise, just adding another notch to my hurt belt.

The trick is deciding what is that I’m doing. What it is that I want, and from who, and when. What I want to give.

The trick is saying all the things I have to say. Not tripping over my reticence. Not being restricted by my knowledge that it will just be used against me. Not regretting the things I know I will, though it is much too late for that, mostly. Not having this wall that always separates me from every single person in my life. Sometimes it is so transparent that I don’t even notice it’s there until I run smack dab into it at full tilt.

The trick is deciding to let fantasy go and concentrate on the real world. And not feeling that is conforming to ideals I don't believe in.

The problem is it was never a question of fantasy and real to me.

taking stock

2004-03-22T00:50:00.000-05:00

I used to do this weekly list of things that I had learned. It was a practice with a few people I knew, and it was a pretty effective way to reflect on your life. We tend to take so much for granted, getting stuck on the crappy things, that we forget all the things that happen everyday that we gain from, whether they make us happy, or make us learn, or what have you. I thought it was a good time to get into that practice again. So in no particular order, here's what I learned last week.

1.) I missed laughing until I'm crying and can't breathe
2.) I haven't gained any more patience in gift giving
3.) I'm always going to forget something important I'm supposed to do
4.) I have some hang ups I wasn't at all aware of
5.) Some fantasies never leave you
6.) I am a sappy schmuck
7.) I love my sisters
8.) There is a duality to my life that I'm not certain I can ever get rid of
9.) I have so much I want to say, but never seem to be able to
10.) Confusion generally leads me to act like an ass

there. nothing profound. or even greatly interesting. but it's a good start.

another pointless entry

2004-03-18T06:11:00.000-05:00

drewbuddy83 (8:36:44 PM): hey hey hey
Lethalstill (8:36:53 PM): fat albert
drewbuddy83 (8:37:03 PM): that would be me
Lethalstill (8:37:38 PM): oh yeah...the likeness is uncanny
drewbuddy83 (8:37:48 PM): yes that it is
Lethalstill (8:38:07 PM): your font changed. are you trying to be cool?
drewbuddy83 (8:38:11 PM): no
Lethalstill (8:38:35 PM): fruit loop
drewbuddy83 (8:38:44 PM): lesbian flakes
Lethalstill (8:38:47 PM): lol
Lethalstill (8:38:57 PM): that still makes me laugh uncontrollably
drewbuddy83 (8:39:07 PM): well yeah it would
Lethalstill (8:39:21 PM): you say that like there is a big underlying reason
drewbuddy83 (8:39:23 PM): cuz lesbians love cereal
Lethalstill (8:39:24 PM): is there?
Lethalstill (8:39:30 PM): what? I had no idea
drewbuddy83 (8:39:34 PM): oh yeah
Lethalstill (8:39:38 PM): is there a handbook or something?
drewbuddy83 (8:39:40 PM): it's a proven fact
drewbuddy83 (8:39:47 PM): yeah they just did a study on it
Lethalstill (8:40:02 PM): well shit. I need to keep up with the studies
drewbuddy83 (8:40:02 PM): lesbians that love cereal too much
Lethalstill (8:40:05 PM): lol
Lethalstill (8:40:13 PM): tragic
drewbuddy83 (8:40:20 PM): it's interesting
drewbuddy83 (8:40:49 PM): i don't like this
Lethalstill (8:41:03 PM): what this? the color box?
drewbuddy83 (8:41:12 PM): the lesbian story
drewbuddy83 (8:41:16 PM): it just doesn't wash
Lethalstill (8:41:27 PM): ahh...how come?
drewbuddy83 (8:41:46 PM): i mean who's to say that lesbians are incontrollable when it comes to cereal?
drewbuddy83 (8:42:29 PM): like it's so wonderfulllllllllllllllllllllllll
Lethalstill (8:42:38 PM): well true...science does have that sort of inevitable feel to it. I think it was just a bunch of weirdos who where more interested in the other things lesbians eat
drewbuddy83 (8:42:54 PM): sounds feasable
Lethalstill (8:42:56 PM): were? where? what has happened to english?
drewbuddy83 (8:43:08 PM): huh?
Lethalstill (8:43:25 PM): I was having a typo dilemma. disregard
drewbuddy83 (8:43:42 PM): ahhhhhh
drewbuddy83 (8:43:43 PM): ok
Lethalstill (8:43:46 PM): so what have you been doing?
drewbuddy83 (8:43:53 PM): relaxing
drewbuddy83 (8:43:55 PM): sleeping
Lethalstill (8:44:07 PM): cool
Lethalstill (8:44:28 PM): those are good things to be doing
drewbuddy83 (8:44:33 PM): yes
drewbuddy83 (8:44:36 PM): in excess
drewbuddy83 (8:44:52 PM): two can have a party
Lethalstill (8:45:27 PM): or inxs. two can have a party....but three can have an orgy. no wait three can have a threesome and four can have an orgy?
drewbuddy83 (8:45:37 PM): yes
drewbuddy83 (8:45:40 PM): fuck inxs
drewbuddy83 (8:45:44 PM): i never liked them
drewbuddy83 (8:45:56 PM): i didn't like anybody from the 80's......except whitesnake and madonna
Lethalstill (8:46:11 PM): lol. stick to your convictions.
drewbuddy83 (8:46:24 PM): convictions convections.....it's the same
drewbuddy83 (8:46:35 PM): i had an incredible urge to shake when i typed the latter
drewbuddy83 (8:46:58 PM): if i warn you what will happen?
Lethalstill (8:47:01 PM): I can see...I have a subtle urge to shake when I read it
Lethalstill (8:47:24 PM): if you warn me, I'll do it anyway.
drewbuddy83 (8:47:45 PM): all it said was that you're up to 5%
Lethalstill (8:47:56 PM): ohh..you fuck! now people will think I'm 5% closer to being a child molestor
drewbuddy83 (8:47:59 PM): that does nothing
drewbuddy83 (8:48:11 PM): i was about to do it again
drewbuddy83 (8:48:25 PM): does it do anything on your side?
Lethalstill (8:48:55 PM): how come your at 20%? what the fuck have you been doing? does it do anything when you warn me on my side is that what you mean?
drewbuddy83 (8:49:10 PM): yeah
drewbuddy83 (8:49:16 PM): does it go away ever?
Lethalstill (8:49:32 PM): yeah a big ass window pops up and tells me I'm being scary and then yes it goes away
drewbuddy83 (8:49:59 PM): hmmmmmm i wonder what will happen if it gets to 100 perciento
drewbuddy83 (8:50:05 PM): drewbuddy83 has invited you to a game of dnL Checkers. Do you Accept?
Lethalstill (8:51:34 PM): I think you can't talk to that person anymore...or anyone ever again. and then the aol police come and get you and you are never seen again
drewbuddy83 (8:51:42 PM): ahhhhh
drewbuddy83 (8:51:45 PM): makes sense
Lethalstill (8:51:47 PM): I bet this takes the rest of my natural life to load.
drewbuddy83 (8:51:51 PM): wow
drewbuddy83 (8:52:00 PM): all my thing has been saying is waiting for you to accept
Lethalstill (8:52:13 PM): I accepted....now some shit is loading
drewbuddy83 (8:52:17 PM): hmmmmm
Lethalstill (8:52:40 PM): everything will work out
drewbuddy83 (8:53:20 PM): ok well i'm gonna quit in a sec cuz i don't want to be waiting forever
Lethalstill (8:54:14 PM): ok..be that way
drewbuddy83 (8:54:30 PM): ok that was horrible
drewbuddy83 (8:54:32 PM): fuck aol
Lethalstill (8:55:06 PM): I'm still loading
Lethalstill (8:55:07 PM): lolol
drewbuddy83 (8:55:21 PM): play with yourself.....(something you're used to)
drewbuddy83 (8:55:56 PM): don't enter text.....just keep typing
Lethalstill (8:55:59 PM): rarr! hiss! retract your claws. I know you've got that bottle of lotion under your bed
drewbuddy83 (8:56:11 PM): haha.......mmmmmm no
drewbuddy83 (8:56:34 PM): you must have me confused with molly safer
Lethalstill (8:57:07 PM): no. I wouldn't confuse molly with anyone
drewbuddy83 (8:58:01 PM): hahaha
drewbuddy83 (8:58:05 PM): good girl
drewbuddy83 (8:58:18 PM): ok so ...... i think i've got to go get ready now
drewbuddy83 (8:58:25 PM): you know what saturday is don't you?
Lethalstill (8:58:41 PM): the 20th?
drewbuddy83 (8:58:45 PM): EXACTLY
Lethalstill (8:58:55 PM): go me. what do I win?
drewbuddy83 (8:58:57 PM): happy 25cents
drewbuddy83 (8:59:12 PM): a quota
Lethalstill (9:00:15 PM): sweer! is there a significance to saturday...in the park...I think it was March 20th? or did you just have a quarter to give away?

drewbuddy83 (9:00:22 PM): both
Lethalstill (9:00:40 PM): well learn me the significance
drewbuddy83 (9:00:48 PM): adls;fj ouhsjk
drewbuddy83 (9:00:53 PM): a;lwel hvkh'adf
drewbuddy83 (9:00:58 PM): ajk;d ds;afgx ;jmnr xh;a z;
drewbuddy83 (9:01:03 PM): a;slditub saognfslgasfhlasjlsajklsajuadsg alsj as gs
drewbuddy83 (9:01:06 PM): A>Kfh FHSJKhfJKFbdzhsgflksgjldfs jgdfsdfgs g ads
drewbuddy83 (9:01:11 PM): as;djfhajk halsjsaljfads';j agjl ajsh ahg ajdglal a s
drewbuddy83 (9:01:24 PM): ah;adjsj aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadsad

l;fhj alsdj ldjasjf jadsl;kj hzhcjnyl jio [ae8ys #$55e aljtdrz8ug os8zy gw4h;ahdjs p9yeraw;ighasrg zs
drewbuddy83 (9:01:30 PM): aosdfhj ahjsflasdjf ajgklj iozfh ae'rgjajgajl ;hadsfhakdsal asfkhjggj gj gj dg gafdkhadfffffffffffffffffffff
drewbuddy83 (9:01:33 PM): ok
drewbuddy83 (9:01:50 PM): now what that means is that saturday is the first day of spring.....and everyone all was quiet.....
drewbuddy83 (9:01:59 PM): not even a meow from a cat
drewbuddy83 (9:02:11 PM): was stirring
Lethalstill (9:02:31 PM): the mouse was stoned, and stockings were pulled over faces for crimes!
Lethalstill (9:02:35 PM): the best time of year
drewbuddy83 (9:02:59 PM): yes that it was
drewbuddy83 (9:03:35 PM): mich mummy shut the door
Lethalstill (9:03:41 PM): too bad it's snowing
drewbuddy83 (9:03:49 PM): yes
drewbuddy83 (9:03:58 PM): well it's still winter
drewbuddy83 (9:04:02 PM): not spring yet hunny
Lethalstill (9:04:03 PM): we should sled on the first day of spring
drewbuddy83 (9:04:20 PM): i think we should plant flowers in rosemary's garden
Lethalstill (9:04:44 PM): that sounds SEX-ual.
drewbuddy83 (9:05:06 PM): you would think that
drewbuddy83 (9:05:10 PM): but it's not
Lethalstill (9:05:28 PM): does rosemary have to know about it?
drewbuddy83 (9:05:33 PM): no
Lethalstill (9:05:38 PM): ok, then I'm in
drewbuddy83 (9:05:42 PM): k
drewbuddy83 (9:05:45 PM): here's the plan
drewbuddy83 (9:05:48 PM): i'll type in code
drewbuddy83 (9:05:49 PM): a;odsfj lkgjcfx'hj
drewbuddy83 (9:05:51 PM): l l;jlr;dj
drewbuddy83 (9:05:55 PM): THEN.......lskfjg seorj cshj a
drewbuddy83 (9:05:58 PM): jlxj
drewbuddy83 (9:06:03 PM): and she'll NEVER KNOW
drewbuddy83 (9:06:06 PM): mwhaaaaaaaa
Lethalstill (9:06:29 PM): kwdnf ofmqv ijdnq[en!
drewbuddy83 (9:06:34 PM): I KNOW
drewbuddy83 (9:06:41 PM): don't type in english!
drewbuddy83 (9:06:47 PM): you stupid little cunt!
Lethalstill (9:07:19 PM): ok..I'm a lot of things...
Lethalstill (9:07:25 PM): but I'm not little.
drewbuddy83 (9:07:29 PM): hahaha
drewbuddy83 (9:07:30 PM): ok
drewbuddy83 (9:07:39 PM): so are we on for rosemary's garden?
Lethalstill (9:07:44 PM): sure.
Lethalstill (9:07:47 PM): I mean
Lethalstill (9:07:48 PM): sopjdfgvn
drewbuddy83 (9:07:54 PM): fgjz
drewbuddy83 (9:08:03 PM): i like how that sounds
drewbuddy83 (9:08:05 PM): fgjz
Lethalstill (9:08:22 PM): I like it to
Lethalstill (9:08:26 PM): let's be friends
drewbuddy83 (9:08:31 PM): ok
drewbuddy83 (9:08:36 PM): what's ur name?
Lethalstill (9:08:49 PM): arianna
Lethalstill (9:08:52 PM): you?
drewbuddy83 (9:08:53 PM): loc?
drewbuddy83 (9:09:03 PM): matt
Lethalstill (9:09:06 PM): arizona.
drewbuddy83 (9:09:10 PM): ok........
Lethalstill (9:09:11 PM): you?
drewbuddy83 (9:09:17 PM): i didn't realize where this was going until now
drewbuddy83 (9:09:23 PM): and we're DONE with that
drewbuddy83 (9:09:34 PM): so i'm taking a full load next semester
Lethalstill (9:09:52 PM): lol
Lethalstill (9:09:59 PM): really what classes?
drewbuddy83 (9:10:17 PM): i've got 3 at Washtenaw and 1 and Schoolcraft
Lethalstill (9:10:32 PM): what at schoolcraft?
drewbuddy83 (9:10:35 PM): Polish
Lethalstill (9:10:46 PM): sweer
Lethalstill (9:10:48 PM): !
drewbuddy83 (9:11:07 PM): well i gotta find out some more INFO.....
drewbuddy83 (9:11:11 PM): but that's the plan
Lethalstill (9:11:44 PM): neatorific
drewbuddy83 (9:11:45 PM): and when i go to MSU i'm gonna take an African language
drewbuddy83 (9:11:55 PM): i'm thinking swahili,...... but there are a lot
drewbuddy83 (9:11:59 PM): to choose from
Lethalstill (9:12:32 PM): true
drewbuddy83 (9:12:55 PM): although i REALLY HATE michigan......i think i'm gonna stay around
drewbuddy83 (9:13:08 PM): could be the wrong decision
drewbuddy83 (9:13:13 PM): but oh well
Lethalstill (9:13:38 PM): like forever?
drewbuddy83 (9:13:47 PM): no no no no
Lethalstill (9:14:13 PM): ah...
drewbuddy83 (9:14:19 PM): i don't like the 8% by your name
drewbuddy83 (9:14:30 PM): tho i guess i've got a fucking 20% by mine
Lethalstill (9:14:39 PM): I don't like the 20 by yours...damn beat me to it
drewbuddy83 (9:14:52 PM): yeah cuz you had trouble getting up the stairs
Lethalstill (9:15:00 PM): you know what you can do?
drewbuddy83 (9:15:05 PM): lick me
Lethalstill (9:15:21 PM): you can? you're talented. no wonder you don't need lotion
drewbuddy83 (9:15:28 PM): your wierd
drewbuddy83 (9:15:53 PM): ok well......i gotta get ready and everything
Lethalstill (9:15:58 PM): ok
drewbuddy83 (9:16:08 PM): so.......
Lethalstill (9:16:13 PM): got a lot of outfits to try on before your date
drewbuddy83 (9:16:22 PM): i'll meet you in three rivers when the sun hits the earth
drewbuddy83 (9:16:26 PM): yes
Lethalstill (9:16:40 PM): great
Lethalstill (9:16:45 PM): see you there
drewbuddy83 (9:16:47 PM): will you be there?
drewbuddy83 (9:16:48 PM): ok
Lethalstill (9:17:12 PM): are you confused?
Lethalstill (9:17:16 PM): cause I am
drewbuddy83 (9:17:17 PM): no
drewbuddy83 (9:17:22 PM): you would be
Lethalstill (9:17:26 PM): hmmm
Lethalstill (9:17:28 PM): fuck off
drewbuddy83 (9:17:31 PM): benny wenny wenny man
Lethalstill (9:17:38 PM): I'm violent.
Lethalstill (9:17:41 PM): not benny
Lethalstill (9:17:52 PM): oh my god!
Lethalstill (9:17:55 PM): go!....
drewbuddy83 (9:17:57 PM): awwww i was JUST thinking about that earlier....cuz i was watching saved by the bell
Lethalstill (9:18:00 PM): lol
drewbuddy83 (9:18:11 PM): and sammy and violet were together
drewbuddy83 (9:18:22 PM): so i guess i'm with
drewbuddy83 (9:18:23 PM): ....
Lethalstill (9:18:26 PM): I'll keep talking at you. especially about saved by the bell
drewbuddy83 (9:18:29 PM): what was the other one
drewbuddy83 (9:18:37 PM): henry benny violet
drewbuddy83 (9:18:48 PM): and i REALLY cant think of the other
drewbuddy83 (9:18:53 PM): jessica?
Lethalstill (9:19:02 PM): that's what I'm thinking
drewbuddy83 (9:19:03 PM): jesse?
drewbuddy83 (9:19:05 PM): i don't know
drewbuddy83 (9:19:15 PM): ok......so i'm leaving on that note
drewbuddy83 (9:19:25 PM): i'm sure i'll run into you sometime soon
Lethalstill (9:19:33 PM): ok. I'll stalk you to be sure
Lethalstill (9:19:35 PM): have fun
drewbuddy83 (9:19:38 PM): you too
Lethalstill (9:19:38 PM): bye boo
drewbuddy83 (9:19:41 PM): boo be gone

it's that time again

2004-03-17T08:06:00.000-05:00

Another year has passed. And it's now time to honor my promise to a lovely lass named Bernie. Toasts away.

To itsy: I think of you more than you would imagine. Hope your path has wandered into the light. This rum's for you.

To red: Here's to love. May this time be right for you. A pint is raised to the future, may our's continue to intertwine.

To the nut: How did we end up together? How do we not kill each other? A fruity drink to you, you have more courage in being yourself than I have ever been privy to. Kudos.

To the fab four: Time doesn't heal a damn thing. A shot for each of you, your absence probably does me better than your presence ever did.

To Tesia, Julyna, and Susan: Knowing you on the "outside" has brought me some of the greatest joy. A bottle of red for all the good times.

To frick and frack: You pull me in totally opposite directions, but towards the same goal. Here's to opening my mind to fantasy again. Gin and tonic.

until next year.

a peek into my perception

2004-03-14T06:50:00.000-05:00

if you told me the sky was blue, I would not believe you. Even though I can see it clearly for myself.

Most days I've lulled myself into a state of normality, where I function as if I were not slightly tainted by insanity. I make friends. I do work. I create things. I love, I hate, I live my life. I forget my armor, I forget my weak spots, I forget my history. Until I wake up one day and remember I'm insane, that I don't get to experience things without a haze around them. It's a bit like being blindsided with a roundhouse kick to the head.

I have a little voice in my head that questions everything everyone says, everything that everyone does. What's their motive? What is it they really mean? What kind of game are they playing? It's like a poison inside my brain that twists and turns and mutilates, until I can no more trust my senses, than I could drive a car blindfolded.

Have you ever put someone's glasses on, and immediately your world became a distorted sort of fun house mirror, that made you whip the glasses off and clutch your head? Made your eyes itch and your head ache? That's a little bit how things are for me all the time. Or how they feel. You walk around with your hand outstretched trying to reconcile the glasses perception with your natural eyesight. You can't trust anything.

And it's times like these that I can feel the instinct to flee, rearing it's ugly head. I would like to run away. Let everything fall by the wayside, except for the things that I cannot get rid of. And wait for me to forget again, what I was running from. Wanting all the people gone...even though I know I'll start the cycle all over again in a year or so. It's a pointless exercise. One I know better than to do. One I know I won't. But that doesn't stop the desire to make things easy.

I'll wait a little while and this will pass. It's just that...

I'd like to believe the sky is blue.

one new and one old

2004-03-09T08:48:00.000-05:00

It’s amazing how
the years
can pass
line your face,
thin your skin,
sprinkle your hair
with tints of grey

but
you still manage
to cling
to your emotions
like a child
tight-fisted
red-faced
tantrums.

Life has
shorted you
at every turn,

Treated you
so very unkind,

and it’s everyone’s
fault
but your own

so before
you can take
the breath
to argue
with me

Let me answer
all your refutations
and save you
the trouble

Are too.
Are too.
Are too.

********************

silently
I sit
still
unmoving
letting you cry on my shoulder
knowing if I were to make a move
to comfort you
rigid, you would turn
I long to reassure
all the fairy tales you’ve been told;
but anger and sorrow
are bitter medicine to take
and a spoonful of sugar
only serves to coat the truth
in sticky lies and sweet nothings
that will leave you emptier
than you are now
no
there is nothing I can do
but be
silent
still
unmoving
your rock to crash against.

manipulate

2004-03-06T09:06:00.000-05:00

You have finally
figured out
you have the
power
to make me chase you

the shoe's on
the other foot
and
I’m not so dishonest
as to admit
I’m not enjoying it.

So I’ll follow
your bread crumb trail
baby
I’ll jump through
all your hoops

Cause once
you let me
catch you

There’ll
be no time
for the games
you’re delighting
in playing

I’m gonna occupy all
your time
proving who
the real winner is.

wouldn't you like to know

2004-03-05T09:04:00.000-05:00

This path is
strangely familiar,
quite like one
I’ve traveled before

while the situations
are similar
the feelings have
evolved

There are no
desperate words
whispered
this time,
no stars on my
ceiling,
no late night
calls from new york,
no soul that
needs saving,

no muse for me
personified.

I don’t know
anymore
about love
than I did then

only that

it’s not
the path that changes,
nor the
journey,
but the person
walking it.

compulsion

2004-03-05T03:18:00.000-05:00

You’re a blue flame
in my dreams,
hot and ethereal
I’m always
scorching my hand
trying to
hold you the longest

like some cosmic
dare

I know
I should stay away
but every
scar and open wound
convinces me
I just have to be
more retardant
never that
you should
hurt me less

where do you begin? where do I end?

2004-03-03T17:35:00.000-05:00

Headlights
illuminate
two harsh circles of light
in the night

this two lane
country road
twists and turns
under my navigation

I’ve been
flying past
this scenery
more and more
each week
drawn to you
by a history
too steeped
in time
to be anything but
sepia toned

Each minute
binds us
tighter together

strand upon strand

until
the line
between
loving and smothering
blurs
beyond distinction

I can’t remember
a time you
weren’t there
and I can’t imagine
a future
that doesn’t
include you

When it comes
time to leave
once more

Will the strings snap
or merely bend?

Will I remember
how to
stand alone
again?

the contents of my head

2004-02-20T22:13:00.000-05:00

sometimes I end up doing the right thing, making the right decision.

and it feels so good. After living my life leaving a fucked up wake behind. It's even better knowing that no one but me will know I made the right decision, there will be no recognition, no pat on the back, just a light almost airless feeling to the weight that usually rests on my shoulders. It's a sweet feeling that I hope to remember, cause I know it won't last long. But finally, finally, maybe my emotions are catching up to the matured rest of me.

sometimes I find myself thinking of using this forum to garner results. To get pity, or affirmation, to toy with outcomes and perceptions. To poke where I should not. sometimes I find myself wanting to pander to an audience, whether real or imagined. Wanting to orchestrate a drama, to evoke, to provoke.

Thankfully I haven't. But the desire is disconcerting. I don't want to change the content of what I put here. I don't want to be influenced by outside means. I don't want to want a response. Oh, but I do.

None of this has any bearing on anything really. Just something that has been on my mind. Something that surprised me. All in the all, the point is, I feel really good. And I hardly ever use this to say that.

It's friday. Do something that makes you feel good.

reading.

2004-02-06T01:09:00.000-05:00

sat down and read an entire book of poetry, it was surprisingly entertaining and even had a few awesome examples of poetry. This one hit particularly close to home for me.

Close to Midnight

Lying in bed
gazing up at the
glow-in-the-dark stars
on my ceiling,
I'm thinking of you

lying in bed
gazing up at your ceiling,
maybe thinking of me
at this very same
moment.

I'm thinking that
you've never seen my stars
glow in the dark,
and wondering
if you ever will.

-Sonya Sones

a quick note

2004-02-04T00:55:00.000-05:00

to all the people I've let go...

to all the people that have left me behind...

why do I still miss you?

to sleep, perchance to not scare myself silly.

2004-02-02T00:52:00.000-05:00

Most nights I'm pretty lucky. I'll go through months and months without ever remembering a dream, but then, I'll hit a patch where I remember every single one of them and I hate it. Because there will be one particular dream that will be horrifying or disturbing enough to catalogue itself in the annals of my mind and I'll get to remember it forever. Did I mention I never have any good dreams? Ever? Well, I don't. And I guess I didn't realize until recently, like oh today, that that's probably really abnormal. Like you're surprised something to do with me is abnormal? right. So the newest edition to the bad dream file, isn't horrifying on the surface, I guess, just really uncomfortable to ponder. I'll relate it so you can have a slice of my psyche to dissect.

My dream involves a friend of mine, who I know fairly well, we'll call him Joe. The dream begins with Joe and I just sort of sitting around doing nothing. And apparently I just got tired of being alone, of being cold on the inside, because when his hands caught my face and he kissed me, it got no restraint from me. We broke off with an awkward sort of pause, and then the wandering hands came into play, and we both decided to not care about the consequences. (No this isn't a wet dream, but yes things progressed from there) And I woke up, in the dream, wondering what the fuck was I thinking, which isn't all that unusual for me, especially in matters having to deal with sex. And time passed in that lovely hazy dream way, that I wish I could bring into real life. And weeks down the road, I end up pregnant.

Yeah, you read that right, pregnant. I was surprised too, for many reasons. Not the least of which is that I can't have children. And so, I go to him and present it hypothetically, what would he do if A happened? And he answers, and then sort of blinks and says, hypothetically, and then "oh shit". Yeah me too, buddy. And then it's all about marriage and raising a child and just building a life. Just sticking together, until one of us decides to leave, most likely for someone else. Giving it the old college try I guess. The next thing I know, I'm moving into his house, and we're going to become the Cleavers. After then things get a little fuzzy.

Now this might not seem so freaky to you, but it disturbs me on so many levels I can't even comprehend them all. And even with all my freud, and jung, and vision interpretations, I don't want to touch this one.

Maybe my subconscious is trying to tell me I'm really heterosexual with frustrated mothering instincts.

And that in itself, is creepy.

pointless entry

2004-01-31T03:47:00.000-05:00

If we hadn't already been seen in the same place, at the same time; I would think we were the same person.

night_rom (12:40:15 PM): I can see you
drewbuddy_01 (12:40:21 PM): ah hahahaha
night_rom (12:40:38 PM): quit diddling yourself
drewbuddy_01 (12:40:54 PM): ah hahaha
drewbuddy_01 (12:41:00 PM): those are all in nancy voices too
night_rom (12:41:05 PM): lol. I fugured.
night_rom (12:41:09 PM): figured too
night_rom (12:41:19 PM): what's the scoop naughty nancy?
drewbuddy_01 (12:41:35 PM): not a whole lot
drewbuddy_01 (12:41:42 PM): i ended up sleeping until 8 this morning
night_rom (12:42:42 PM): well sleep is good. do you feel refreshed?
drewbuddy_01 (12:42:51 PM): yeah i guess
drewbuddy_01 (12:43:08 PM): i feel rested but just feel lazy and uncoordinated on how i should spend the day
night_rom (12:43:38 PM): you should come spend it with me.
drewbuddy_01 (12:43:44 PM): oh no
drewbuddy_01 (12:43:48 PM): i feel for that one before
drewbuddy_01 (12:43:51 PM): fell
night_rom (12:43:51 PM): lol
night_rom (12:44:01 PM): feel...freudian slip
night_rom (12:44:05 PM): you want me to grope you
drewbuddy_01 (12:44:27 PM): then u drug me up and dress me up like raggedy ann and take pictures of me and put them up on the web
drewbuddy_01 (12:44:39 PM): i know that kitchen of yours
night_rom (12:44:45 PM): yeah, but. I cut you in to the profits
drewbuddy_01 (12:44:49 PM): i could tell that was me in ur kitchen
night_rom (12:45:06 PM): it was you, but who was raggedy andy? lololol
drewbuddy_01 (12:45:21 PM): i don't think i have to say
drewbuddy_01 (12:45:25 PM): you know
night_rom (12:45:52 PM): ummm..no john
night_rom (12:46:16 PM): and nana says no too.
drewbuddy_01 (12:46:25 PM): ok
drewbuddy_01 (12:46:48 PM): i do have some homework to do
drewbuddy_01 (12:46:57 PM): i really want to get that done this weekend
night_rom (12:47:13 PM): yeah? so you don't want me to come and kidnap you then
night_rom (12:47:14 PM): ?
drewbuddy_01 (12:47:29 PM): um
drewbuddy_01 (12:47:37 PM): i think i broke my neck
night_rom (12:47:42 PM): lol
drewbuddy_01 (12:47:43 PM): i can't move it
night_rom (12:48:08 PM): I told you if your going to go down on that many guys to support your neck, when are you going to start listening to me?
drewbuddy_01 (12:48:17 PM): you;re right
drewbuddy_01 (12:48:18 PM): no so
drewbuddy_01 (12:48:35 PM): i was thinking about staying here tonite and then going to Jackson tomorrow
drewbuddy_01 (12:48:46 PM): do you want to come over to my house?
night_rom (12:49:06 PM): do you mean today? or tomorrow?
drewbuddy_01 (12:49:38 PM): today
drewbuddy_01 (12:50:01 PM): i was thinking i want to clean my house today and stay here and then sunday morning grab an Ann Arbor News and go to Jackson
night_rom (12:50:54 PM): I would love to come to your house today, but I have to go drop my car off to mikki.
drewbuddy_01 (12:51:00 PM): oh right
drewbuddy_01 (12:51:06 PM): well
drewbuddy_01 (12:51:11 PM): if you wanted some company
drewbuddy_01 (12:51:29 PM): call an escort service cuz i ain't goin anywhere NEAR you
night_rom (12:51:42 PM): lol. that was mean. but very funny
drewbuddy_01 (12:51:45 PM):
drewbuddy_01 (12:51:48 PM): ok
drewbuddy_01 (12:51:50 PM): well
night_rom (12:51:52 PM): and probably true
drewbuddy_01 (12:51:58 PM): let me get my horse and i'll be there in a few
night_rom (12:52:04 PM): <---- slooooow
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:04 PM): >)
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:06 PM): whoa
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:08 PM): hold on
night_rom (12:52:10 PM): lol
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:13 PM): >)
night_rom (12:52:14 PM):
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:16 PM): damn it
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:18 PM): thank you
night_rom (12:52:22 PM): ur welcome
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:22 PM): >)
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:27 PM): what is it again?
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:29 PM): >)
night_rom (12:52:32 PM): < ) : )
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:40 PM):
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:50 PM): i could have SWORN that i was doing that the whole time
night_rom (12:52:58 PM): uh huh
drewbuddy_01 (12:53:08 PM): well look at my things
drewbuddy_01 (12:53:16 PM): oh i was hitting the wrong one
drewbuddy_01 (12:53:21 PM): whoopse daisys
night_rom (12:53:22 PM): > <
night_rom (12:53:26 PM): eek
night_rom (12:53:30 PM): anyhoo.
night_rom (12:53:34 PM): hoo hoo
drewbuddy_01 (12:53:35 PM): suffering sucatsh
drewbuddy_01 (12:53:35 PM): ash
night_rom (12:53:36 PM): lol
drewbuddy_01 (12:53:42 PM): ok
drewbuddy_01 (12:53:45 PM): so when you going to
drewbuddy_01 (12:53:49 PM): Sturgis?
night_rom (12:54:01 PM): I don't know. the folks have already left.
drewbuddy_01 (12:54:05 PM): oh
drewbuddy_01 (12:54:10 PM): so your place is free then?
night_rom (12:54:14 PM): yeah
drewbuddy_01 (12:54:14 PM): ahhhhhhhhhh hahaha
night_rom (12:54:17 PM): PARTY!!!
drewbuddy_01 (12:54:18 PM): in nancy voice as well
drewbuddy_01 (12:54:37 PM): wow! while you clap and scream it at the top of your lungs
drewbuddy_01 (12:54:55 PM): as we go around the loop in front of p.j.r.h.
night_rom (12:55:06 PM): I'm alWAsy clapping and screaming. was gonna cum kidnap you and make you come too.
drewbuddy_01 (12:55:07 PM): ok ok ok
drewbuddy_01 (12:55:20 PM): do you want to come kidnap me ?
night_rom (12:55:36 PM): sure, but if you've got shit to do, you've got shit to do.
drewbuddy_01 (12:55:47 PM): well i can hold off and rearrange my plans
drewbuddy_01 (12:55:59 PM): but do you want to come out this way just to go back down 12?
drewbuddy_01 (12:56:05 PM): the other way?
night_rom (12:56:36 PM): lol. it don't matter to me. I was saving you some gas. but if you want to trundle the black bundle (don't ask me) this way, that rocks too
drewbuddy_01 (12:56:54 PM): well i would like to save gas but i don't want you to waste yours
drewbuddy_01 (12:57:15 PM): i'm trying to think if there is a place i could maybe meet you?
night_rom (12:57:15 PM): yeah, but...I don't pay for mine. I can fill you up some if you want to swing my way shorty
drewbuddy_01 (12:57:20 PM): and drop off my truck
drewbuddy_01 (12:57:30 PM): well you decide
drewbuddy_01 (12:57:32 PM): i'll be here
night_rom (12:57:34 PM): lol
night_rom (12:57:49 PM): tick tock....(that's me thinking
night_rom (12:57:51 PM): )
drewbuddy_01 (12:57:54 PM): ahhhh
drewbuddy_01 (12:57:59 PM): did you forget the question?
night_rom (12:58:01 PM): yes
drewbuddy_01 (12:58:05 PM): in nancy voice as well
drewbuddy_01 (12:58:07 PM): me too
night_rom (12:58:10 PM): ok...so
night_rom (12:58:43 PM): you come here. and I'll fill you up. I have to fill up my car too. well, wait....can you even come here? does you have enough gas?
drewbuddy_01 (12:58:55 PM): i has enough gas
night_rom (12:58:59 PM): lol
night_rom (12:59:10 PM): for some reason that strikes me as funny
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:15 PM): yeah well
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:16 PM): not me
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:18 PM): so
night_rom (12:59:21 PM): fuck odd
night_rom (12:59:24 PM): I mean
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:25 PM): fuck even
night_rom (12:59:26 PM): fuck off
night_rom (12:59:33 PM): and fuck on too
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:39 PM): fuck off
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:41 PM): clap clap
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:43 PM): fuck on
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:44 PM): clap clap
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:51 PM): fuck on fuck off the fucker
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:53 PM): clap clap
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:01 PM): ooooh
night_rom (1:00:04 PM): omg! that hilarious. lol. ok...so for real. is that agreeable to you.
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:09 PM): isnt' that how you get the clap too?
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:14 PM): yes
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:15 PM): so
night_rom (1:00:16 PM): avoid the clap
night_rom (1:00:19 PM): jimmy dugan
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:21 PM): jimmy dugan
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:23 PM): HAHA
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:24 PM): ok
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:28 PM): so i'll get my shit together
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:31 PM): to get her
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:35 PM): and i'll be on my way
night_rom (1:01:01 PM): that's really creepy: to get her : together. ick.
night_rom (1:01:04 PM): ok.
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:06 PM): i know
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:12 PM): i dont' know who came up with that word
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:13 PM): but.....
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:14 PM): ok
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:24 PM): i'll see you in like an hour
night_rom (1:01:37 PM): ok! drive extra insane and get here quick.
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:41 PM): ok
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:46 PM): you're such a tit
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:51 PM): always thinking of my well being
night_rom (1:01:51 PM): :)
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:55 PM): :)
night_rom (1:01:55 PM): al wa sy
drewbuddy_01 (1:02:01 PM): i've been there
drewbuddy_01 (1:02:05 PM): it's up north near flint
drewbuddy_01 (1:02:08 PM): ok ok opk
night_rom (1:02:08 PM): lol
drewbuddy_01 (1:02:12 PM): opk
night_rom (1:02:13 PM): kikikik
drewbuddy_01 (1:02:16 PM): kik
drewbuddy_01 (1:02:17 PM): asl
drewbuddy_01 (1:02:20 PM): i'm on my way
drewbuddy_01 (1:02:21 PM): good bye
night_rom (1:02:25 PM): bye boo

I don't know what the hell I'm talking about OR Metaphors kick my ass....again.

2004-01-31T01:22:00.000-05:00

Life is akin to a puzzle. All the pieces are scattered about, you have to search for the right ones. Come up with a system to go about assembling them. And sometimes things don't go as planned. Pieces get lost, or chewed, or mixed with other puzzles.

When you're born, your puzzle begins. I figure you start out with the framework. The first step to putting together a puzzle is creating the edges. You have your boundaries and it's the meat of the puzzle that's scattered, left for you to figure out.

For me, I was lucky to receive some pretty big pieces early on. Pieces that fit, that aren't going anywhere. It's the other pieces that are giving me trouble. In really complex puzzles you sometimes fit a piece into a space that seems perfect. You want to put it there, but the fit is just a little off, you want to make it fit, but it's just a little loose, or the lines don't quite match. These "almost" pieces are the ones that have caused me so much grief. I don't think I'm alone in my intense desire to finish my puzzle. So, I leave the almost pieces in place with the ignorant hope that magically they will mould themselves to fit. Disregarding the coming frustration of losing those pieces, of seeing holes where I thought I had none.

It's interesting watching people try to fit into my life. The turning of every which way. The sliding of edges, trying to force because you want to fit so bad. The snicking snap when finally grooves and contours adhere. The heavy warm weight I fell when I know I've found another piece.

The commitment of time, the trial and error, the coming back time and time again; these are the great things about puzzles and life.

words that are not my own

2004-01-29T03:33:00.000-05:00

Intention to Escape from Him

I think I will learn some beautiful language, useless for commercial
Purposes, work hard at that.
I think I will learn the Latin name of every songbird,
not only in America but wherever they sing.
(Shun meditation, though; invite the controversial;
Is the world flat? Do bats eat cats?) By digging
hard I might deflect that river, my mind, that
uncontrollable thing,
Turgid and yellow, strong to overflow its banks in spring, carrying
away bridges;
A bed of pebbles now, through which there trickles one clear
narrow stream, following a course henceforth nefast--

Dig, dig; and if I come to ledges, blast.

-E. St. Vincent Millay

tapping on the glass

2004-01-22T11:34:00.000-05:00

It weird to know you are reading this, yes you, whoever you are. It's weird to know you are reading what's supposed to be the inner most workings of my mind, when you really don't know who I am. You don't know that I had my first kiss (I'm talking tongue here) in second grade with a kid named Ryan Smith, who's real name was Christopher Ryan Smith, but he got too many pooh jokes, so "just ryan". Or that I learned the way of manipulating someone's affections shortly after that when I bribed a kid named joel (who was quite attractive for a second grader) with a gigantic sugar cookie with m&m's in it to be my boyfriend. Or that my teacher was Hawaiian and that I thought she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen (I had a thing for older women even then). You don't know that I have a blue velvet pillow that I have had ever since I can remember being cognizant, and that I don't like to sleep without it. You don't know that I played Lady MacBeth in fourth grade, and that I had an affinity for her, madness speaks to madness. Or that my first illicit beer was an extremely old can of Old Milwaukee pilfered from my best friends pantry. It made him literally sick and me disgusted. I was something like 8 or 9 years old. Or that I used to make suicides in a Detroit Lions football shaped thermos that I brought to school in 6th grade. Or that Kevin Soules exposed himself to me on the playground in a game of truth or dare, I wasn't fazed. He told me the next day that he and Tyler thought I was the coolest girl around because I didn't "freak out" like other girls would have. I didn't have the heart to tell him how much I wasn't just like other girls. You don't know that I had my first joint on the back deck of my friend Joelle's aunt's house. It was the dead of winter, there had been an incredible ice storm and everything was covered in a sheet of ice about two inches thick. We huddled outside in night clothes getting stoned. You don't know that I was sent to the school social worker because some teacher thought I was going to commit suicide, or that it wasn't the first nor the last time I would have to reassure other people that I wasn't going to off myself. You don't know that a teacher once told me I was stupid and that I was going to hell. Hurray for public education. Or that I went to more funerals than parties in high school. Or that my friend John made a bet with me that I would get my eyebrow pierced if he got his nipple done. That I fulfilled the bet in some sub basement in Toronto, right before a show at the Pantages Theatre, we were all dressed to the nines. Or that my friend Erin held my hand, because I hated needles. And that it didn't hurt, I just wanted to hold her hand. You don't know that I fell in love with a tiny minnesotan girl who tortured me until it hurt just to look at her. Or that the most peaceful sleep I have ever had was in a small single bed in Ireland where a girl named Stacey (whose bed it was) cuddled up to me and raked her fingers up and down my back until I fell asleep. Or that my friends and I were once the floor show at a bondage club. Or that I've been to the Sex Museum in Amsterdam three times, and it's not even worth the price of admission once. Or that I was kicked out of a sex shop in Dublin. Or that my favorite food is green olives (yes I know it's abnormal).

If you've read this far, I admire your tenacity. You're probably asking yourself why you should care about all the useless crap I have made you read, and I can only tell you that that's the kind of stuff that interests me about people. The random memories that combined to make your past, to make you you. So, obviously I can't force you do anything, but how about you leave me a little tidbit about you? Some little something from your past, and leave your intials so I have some idea of who you are. Whenever you read this, whether it be tomorrow or a month, or a year from now. Leave a little something. Thank you.

you know what?

2004-01-21T05:16:00.000-05:00

I give up.

I'm going to wear a sign that says "Impossible".

I was going to go into how I feel there must be something fundamentally wrong with me, and that I'm childish and I hate being childish, and how I hate not knowing where I stand and so on and so forth so there could be a record of the sad inner workings of my head and my heart, but fuck it. Impossible says it all.

I am impossible. Anything to do with me is impossible.

welcome to the we love elisa fan club

2004-01-18T07:22:00.000-05:00

Just a little taste of what elisa means to us. I accept full responsibility should there be any repercussions. See elisa? I told you, you're sweet!

bludreamscape: lol so let me see... all you need is that web cam now lol
night_rom: *sigh* elisa the big bully, will send me one I'm sure. the woman doesn't accept no
bludreamscape: lol no kidding
xenaholic2000: no she won't
bludreamscape: though if she sent me one i'd point the thing at some pic of some hot chickie
xenaholic2000: at least she didn't talk you into flying halfway across the country lol
night_rom: I'm not sure I can get them over my head anymore anyway. just be able to make a nice bridge like arch. and lol. it hasn't occured to her yet where I might be useful or she would ****
xenaholic2000: to hit on one of your best friendss
xenaholic2000: lol
bludreamscape: lol
xenaholic2000: just let me know if she decides it's kansas
night_rom: why? so you can get out of dodge? no fair warning. lol
bludreamscape: lol
xenaholic2000: no so i can arrange to be *in* dodge
xenaholic2000: well Lawrence... Dodge is out west
night_rom: true.
bludreamscape: i can't believe she talked you into flying that far to hit one someone..... that woman is good..... evil though...... now if we put her power towards good rather than evil......
night_rom: well it isn't just to hit in someone, it's bard con too
xenaholic2000: yeah both
night_rom: she's very efficient that way
xenaholic2000: i have no clue how she did that
night_rom: lol
night_rom: she's a catalyst.
bludreamscape: lol
bludreamscape: its quite amazing
night_rom: and very charismatic. no wonder she had no trouble with the women before emily
xenaholic2000: she's amazing
xenaholic2000: yeah no doubt
bludreamscape: lucky devil
xenaholic2000: i wanna meet Emily 'cause she's got to be one hell of a woman
bludreamscape: no kiddin
night_rom: I hoep she is. elisa deserves the best.
night_rom: hope too
xenaholic2000: yeah she does
night_rom: she'd turn bright red if she knew we were having this conversation, lol
xenaholic2000: yep
bludreamscape: lol
night_rom: lol. finally something to use on her!
bludreamscape: lol
xenaholic2000: yep
bludreamscape: you need anything you can get
xenaholic2000: yep
night_rom: I certainly do.
bludreamscape: i know she keeps talking me into things
too... drives me crazy and i can't help it
xenaholic2000: same... i do all sorts of things i wouldn't do otherwise
bludreamscape: "hey Deb, strip nakkid and run to mexico" - "Sure elisa that sounds like a great idea"
night_rom: lol
night_rom: !
night_rom: only she'd probably say, run to seattle. lol
bludreamscape: lol prolly
xenaholic2000: yeah she probably would
bludreamscape: and then she can make you believe that it was your idea in the first place
xenaholic2000: exactly
night_rom: I want to post this part of the conversation in my blurty. lol.
bludreamscape: lol
xenaholic2000: lol i don't mind
night_rom: yeah? do you blu?
bludreamscape: go for it, it's your head on the platter
bludreamscape: hell no
night_rom: sweet! I can take it
bludreamscape: lol sure you say that when she isn't around
night_rom: I told her earlier that it was my turn to get her. heh heh.
bludreamscape: LOL
xenaholic2000: lol she'll probably just send you more stuff
night_rom: yeah, you're right
night_rom: I can't win
bludreamscape: lol
night_rom: but I'm still gonna try

****(I hear seattle is nice!)

channeling Millay

2004-01-16T20:31:00.000-05:00

I had had a poem to rework for here, but turns out I hate it. So just some bits and peices. Followed up with prose.

it's nice
to be reminded
that I'm wanted

even better
to be reminded
that I'm needed

It's been forever
since you told me
you love me

and too long
since I've shown
you the same

**************

did you know that you make my stomach churn? I knew someone once who gave me butterflies, the result is very much the same, but the reasons are so different. I'm forever in fear of being unmasked. found out for a fraud. whispered about, the word being spread, that for all my gilded words, I am nothing but fools gold. did you know that you fill me with uncertainty? that I step forward, then step back, then forward, then back. you make me wonder about life and love and what you're doing at any given minute; what anybody is doing at any given minute, and why I am doing nothing given any minute. did you know that you spark jealousy in me (which I must confess is not hard)? which turns everything I think into barbs, that get stuck in the soft tissues, of my head making it hard to understand, of my heart making it hard to feel, of my mouth making it hard to speak, of my hands making it hard to touch you without hurting you too. In my eyes making it hard to see the truth. did you know that I think you play me for a fool? and that I don't care? (most days) but that today I did. did you know that you inhabit my dreams? that in them you tell me it's ok, and that I wish you wouldn't? did you know I sat outside once in the cold, for two hours, after being with you? trying to understand what I was doing, what you were doing, and that any conclusion I came to was laughable?

did you know that I'm going to regret writing this? but that I'm going to send it anyway?

did you know that I'm going to send this to everyone I know, put it everywhere I can, in the hopes that maybe someone has some idea of what it all means?

and can tell me.

duty and guilt

2004-01-14T00:55:00.000-05:00

Jenn is moving to Vegas. She wants me to go with her. Her lease is up in June so she's decided she is going to spend the summer with me, if I'm still here, and convince me to go with her. I'm thinking of letting her convince me.

But man, Kathy and Lola* loose in Vegas? That is such a bad idea. God knows I love her, I really do, but I would want to kill her after not too long. She's just too much and I'm not, at least not in that way. I'm the queen of melodrama, I'll admit it. But Jenn is the epitome of drama, she exhales it like carbon dioxide, suffocating everything within a five foot radius. She's loud and unapologetic, she makes the worst decisions on who to sleep with, and I'm forever picking up the pieces. I'm not painting a very lovely picture of her, but all the things I have mentioned are all reasons why I do love her. And she for some reason has stuck to me for three years despite our mutual bad decisions in the friend department, probably because she's just as fucked in the head as I am.

and matt is pressuring me to move to san francisco. all the time. right now even as I type he is mapping out how I can make the move and afford my bills and live in the mission. *sigh*

So really the problem is, why does everyone else see merit in my future and I don't? All the answers to that question I really don't like.

*kathy and lola are alter egos.

what my mind does when I'm trying to sleep

2004-01-12T18:25:00.000-05:00

you say
your bed is too large and
quite empty
I say
my bed is too small and
quite full

we could reach
a comfortable compromise
if you'd let me
fill
the empty spaces

in your life
in your bed
in you.

words

2004-01-06T22:00:00.000-05:00

I’m passing
through the days
like yesterday’s newspaper
quickly and without interest
taking note
of all the things
I should have done
***************
wants
needs
lies
actions
feelings
are all like
raindrops on a
window
separate at the point of impact
but eventually run altogether
or maybe
better like the snowflakes
falling in my present background
each one is
individual, distinctive
but they all
look the same
from afar

and like snowflakes
when I go
to catch them
in my hand
to better understand
I’m left with
a puddle of water
and my inherent confusion

I’m beginning
to despair
ever getting it right.

I’m beginning
to despise
the snow.

instead of these infantile words
to go with my infantile emotions
that would be better served
with my ire.
**************************
Could you
keep firmly in mind
that I told you
from the beginning
that I wasn’t worth it?
Cause this house
of cards
we’re building
is bound to collapse
from our sighs
(yours long suffering, mine in resignation)
I’d like to save you
from as much debris
as I can

Believe it or not
I grow tired
of the hurt
I leave behind
in my wake
that easily
could be avoided
if my warnings
had been heeded.

I’d spare you
all that my acquaintance
brings
if I thought
I could.

So
when you’re cursing me
for a liar
or a cheat
or whatever you think fits
just remember
who swore it first.

origins, journey's, destinations

2003-12-16T16:13:00.000-05:00

My father has become stooped, bent, hunched over upon himself; the weight of time and life resting on his once broad shoulders. I don’t know when this metamorphosis happened. When did he go from being this sentinel in my life, tall, shrouded in shadows, silent. I always remember him as if there was a moderate gulf between us, not too immense that it could never be crossed, just wide enough that the danger associated with it was enough to deter us both from efforts. When did his life turn on him? When did he realize that the choices he made have boxed him in until his life is no longer his own? How does it feel to look at your life and know that you are stranger to everyone? I looked at him today and realized that the parts of me that are him are ruling me right now. I don’t want to ever wake up and find myself in his shoes.

Love has always been a question in my life. One I never knew how to answer. How do you tell if you love someone? Harder still, how do you tell if someone loves you? My whole relationship with my father has been filled with words that hurt and silences filled with awkwardness that wounded deeper than any words ever could. I think maybe he always loved me, he just never knew how to show it. To be twenty and freaked out by an affectionate hug from my father probably defines our relationship pretty well. I hit a certain age and suddenly he can’t love me enough. I don’t know if he saw the end of his life or the beginning of mine, and I don’t know which one would have scared him most. I feel like he is trying to buy my love now, and I wish that I could explain to him that all he has ever had to do was ask. It has always been that simple with me, ask and if it’s in my power to give, you have it. But words are still hard for him, and asking even tougher. So we play this weird version of pushme – pullyou. Push me. Pull you. We get a little bit closer and we drift apart. Someday he is going to be gone and I wonder if all I’m going to remember is the sentinel of my youth, or the man he is now?

so minneapolis

2003-12-14T06:26:00.000-05:00

If you pay close enough attention to everything around you, you become aware of recurring patterns and shapes and behaviors. There are only so many in existence and they crop up over and over again, if you have a discerning eye. Because we are beings that need to define and own; we single out the ones we think we understand and then give them names. Me, I notice them a lot. I've begun to pick out the repeating themes in my life and assign value to them, i.e. like and hate, logical, useful, paranoia and so on.

I have been reminded of my hatred for triangles. I'll admit to a lack of conviction on many issues but the absolute refusal to allow triangles into my life isn't one of them. But no matter how much I try to make this truth, I realize I have no control over it, I look around and there they are. Now don't get me wrong, it's not like I avoid yield signs or pictures of egypt. It's not an irrational hatred of triangles, but a very hard earned lesson that triangles are no good for me. Especially in the aspect of relationships.

Let's look at triangles, shall we? I mean from a purely aesthetic viewpoint, they are deceiving in looks. Logically you would deduce that the very nature of triangles is stability, balance, solidity; because you always have two sides to support the one. This is an error in deduction. Triangles are not stable. The fact is, the two sides that support the one are always the closer of the three. They experience the same things at the same time, while the point that is suspended experiences something totally different and is always seperated by a set amount of distance from the "stabling" points. This creates feelings of alienation and resentment. Trust me. Now the other big problem with triangles. You might think, well the aforementioned problem is easily fixable, as long as the triangle keeps turning, the experiences can be evened out by the rotation of points. Ah...you silly silly person. That's what sucks about points. Triangles are not conducive to turning. They are static, stagnant, festering, stuck, unmoving.....you get my point?

So I found myself looking out from my stupor at all that used to be my world and all I saw were triangles of people, with me being the satellite point. I'm not sure I know how I keep letting myself get into these situations, as they always cause me pain. I swore after the whole Sarah / Danielle / Me, Danielle / Stacey / Me fiasco I wouldn't do this to myself anymore. But that doesn't seem to be working. And nothing made that more evident than my time spent with Krista and Steven. All of a sudden there is a palpable history between them that buffers me from ever reaching certain parts that used to be accesible to me. I sat in that wooden chair, safe and set in place, fulfilling my duties as a point, and watched as even our positions mirrored a triangle. The overwhelming feeling was an ache to touch what was unspoken between them, between us. To voice what was an awkward elephant in the small cluttered room. How do I fit in your lives now? I'm not what I was to either of them anymore. The weight of Krista's disappointment and Steven's questioning glances were enough to drive me into silence. I didn't have answers for them. I don't think I want to have any answers for them. In fact, for once I want them to have answers for me.

What happens when you shave off the top of a triangle? You are left with a trapezoid. Which is all well and good, a still functioning and stable shape to have. But what about the piece that's shaved off? That's still a triangle. A smaller, bewildered triangle, but still a triangle all the same. I'm afraid that is me, the piece that is always sacrificed for the stability of a trapezoid. A perpetual triangle.

2003-12-01T21:39:00.000-05:00

I miss my bed.

stream of consciousness...

2003-12-01T07:39:00.000-05:00

got all sorts of things floating around inside my head; like time, and mirrors, self perception, duty, love, living, choices, and million other things all amounting to nothing. Just chasing around and around, feeding my restlessness. Thinking to no conclusion is a pain in my ass. If you are waiting for things to settle down so you can breathe you are going to die of suffocation. What you see in the mirror is the biggest delusion of them all. Analyzing yourself is like using a magnifying glass to fry ants: so much power for such a little cause. By swearing to tell the truth you have already begun to lie. Duty and honor are words lost to a lexicon of yuppie's children. How scary is that? Yuppie's children. Though I am a self proclaimed YIT (yuppie-in-training) I know I will never make it, I am just too too. I can't say that fact saddens me. Everyone needs to be loved, but I don't believe a word you say. I wonder if I ever have? and if I did, when did I lose that? Choices. Choices fascinate me, choosing not to choose is still a choice. You can't get much more circular than that.

I've found all the missing volumes of my work in high school, so I'll be interspersing old work with new, an exciting look into my head as a teenager. I sadly, don't think I have changed much.

Forgive me
if I falter,
but your brilliance
blinds me
and I find myself
shrinking from the light
like I don't deserve
your smile.
If I was half
the person
you say I am
There would be no need
to save me,
so think of
your contradictions
the next time
you hold out your hand.
Who is grasping for whom?

and since I've been talking about Ireland a lot I'll throw in one from my work there.

Transatlantic call

The minutes are
ticking by
and alcohol
won't work tonight,
cause I can't
fool myself
into thinking
I want anything
but you.

The phone just
serves to remind
me of the miles
that span
and it's
only your voice
near to me
tonight.

I'm looking in
on a room full
of people
beckoning me;
with my back
to the ocean
that leads
to you

They don't know
that their pull
is nothing
compared to yours

or that I'm
gripping the phone
so tight
my ear is red
and my fingers white
in an effort
to feel
anything but
alone.

this looks familiar....

2003-11-22T07:18:00.000-05:00

It seems destined that I'll return to this thing every few months. I would have more to say if I ever lifted my head from this trench I've ensconed myself in. But even I would be disgusted with myself if I spent my time filling this little form with drama induced misery day after day. I figure a proper angst filled "my life sucks" no hope update every couple of months is enough.

I had thought that I had left behind the need to live in a fantasy land years ago, but I find myself stepping back into it with both feet. My life is filled with strangers and I've just added a few more. Perhaps the lesson will be better learned after this fiasco wreaks out the emotional havoc. But more than likely not. At least I'm consistent.

I've been too long away from people I love. And each day that I'm stuck in this perpetual circle of nothingness my hatred for the phone grows, even as I'm more and more dependant on it. I'd like to feel the warmth of my friends and loved ones, I'm so excited for this weekend because I'll be staying with boo and I know that at least for the weekend I'll be ok. Everything inside will calm down and I won't feel so cold all the time.

Talked to my friend Jenn last night. She tried to get me to run away to Las Vegas. Or maybe it was me trying to get her to run away to Las Vegas, regardless the idea was appealing. It seems I'm not the only one suffering from the scattering effect, or the catatonic inducing fear of life in general as it is "right now".

Everyone I talk to is so helpful. Everyone that I know goes out of their way to help me in whatever fashion they can, whether it be offers of money, food, a place to live, or just encouraging words. And I hate it. I hate it because I'm such a fuck. I think about all the people who don't have this kind of help, who don't have even an eighth of this help. And I get even more frustrated with myself because I'm allowed to wallow in this pit, I'm allowed to take this time and just fuck up. I allow myself this time by living in absolute denial and lack of action. And everyone else allows me this time as well. And for all their kind words and gentle pats, I just want to scream that "no, everything isn't going to be ok". Even when I have no right to be that oblivious and spoiled. Hopefully I'll get my ass kicked soon and go back to being the less pathetic individual I'm sure I used to be. Before something drastic happens. And hopefully when I'm in a position to offer my hand the way so many have been offered to me, I won't be so self involved as to ignore it.

I've fulfilled my quota for whining and then some. So it's back to a stupor for me. I've been feeling pretty prolific lately (go figure) so most likely I'll be adding some more drivel I refer to as poetry here.

six degrees to love

2003-09-08T06:45:00.000-04:00

Free association, logical paths of relationships made in your head, links strung together in your memory; pulling one link leads to a whole different outcome. An end, an event, a tangible manifestation of words.

You are this to me. A chain reaction. Everything reminds me of your name. Your name calls your image to mind. Your image begs to be made tangible, by phone at the very least, since there are always some miles that separate us. Your voice makes my hands twitch to touch you, my eyes ache to look at you, to prove your existence and the reality of my place in your life. Your presence in my company makes my skin burn to be in contact with yours...and so on and so forth, ad nauseum. This is how my days pass, in any number of combinations, from a towel left in the corner of the bathroom to making love to you. From a stop light on 24th to pinning your shoulders against the bed, against the wall.

This is why I show up on your doorstep, this is why I call you at odd times, this is why I stare at you instead of anything else, this is why my arms are reluctant to loosen whenever you try to leave my embrace.

This is why I'm writing this pathetic entry, in this pathetic journal, that you will probably never see.

Because my life has become six degrees to you.

Kevin Bacon ain't got nothing on you, baby.

insecurities

2003-07-18T07:25:00.000-04:00

I picked up the phone
But the glaring red
Digital numbers
Glowing 4:25
Made me
Put it back down

I paced the floor
While my frighteningly
Overwhelming need
Fought with
My sense of decorum

You’d be surprised
How many bouts
I’ve had ringside seats to

It’s 4:37 and
Decorum has taken
A beating
Leaving me with
My emotions screaming
Trying to figure out
The time difference
In my head

I’ll be the first
To admit
It’s sad

That I no longer
Believe myself
When I say
It’s all going to be okay

That I need to
Hear the meaningless
Words
From your mouth
Roughened with your voice
For them to
Placate me
Like they should

It’s 4:41
I can hear the phone
Ringing in my ear
Knowing you’ll
Forgive me
This weakness

a letter to boo

2003-04-30T02:40:00.000-04:00

Lately I've been forced to sift through the relics that document my past, what with putting up my senior show, and with this way finding project. I've been reflecting a lot on the journey and the people along the way. Of which you are of course a humongous part. It was when I was looking through my photo album that I had a startling revelation. There is a part of me that will always see you as a boy. Your face flush with the weight of the very young, clad in that white t-shirt from cooperstown, black sweatpants, and the ever present slip on shoes. I remember how you hated shoetrings, jeans, and leaving your shirt untucked.

I can literally watch you grow up all over again in photos. Watch your body lengthen and widen, your jaw define itself, your eyes lose the glow of happiness, only to regain it again in later photos, tempered this time by living with choices and consequences. Watch your cockiness become a mantle that rests on your shoulders. Watch all the little infinite changes that happen so naturally no matter how closely you look, you can never really be cognizant of them happening.

I look at you and I see the little boy whose soul understood mine right away. I see the angry lost teenager just living recklessly. And I see the man you are becoming. Turning twenty is a weird quasi period of transition, it was a year in which I learned and grew so much. I hope those same things to you. And know that no matter how old you become, how much you change, there will always be someone who remembers where you came from and how you got here.

I love you. Happy Birthday.

nigh

2003-04-26T16:27:00.000-04:00

the end is drawing nigh.

Out from under the pressure I can see the culmination of the stress and rush and hair pulling. I'm gonna see the other side of the tunnel. I'm not so scared anymore. It was hard to see past the immediacy of the moment, it doesn't make the problems and the struggles any less important, just filled with more perspective. It's the process of anything I guess, you keep whittling away until you have it at a level that you can manage.

I made the trip to be with my friend when he got his test results. Negative. He says he's changed for the better because of this experience, that he's getting his life on track. I can't have anything but faith in him. And when he stumbles I will be there to help him up without the I told you so's.

2 weeks. And I will be free again. How did the Indigo girls put it?

"I spent four years prostrate to a higher mind, I got my paper and now I'm free"

yeah, I couldn't have said it better myself.

really...

2003-04-08T15:29:00.000-04:00

I'm not that unhappy and things are never as bad as they seem. But I tend to let things build up until I have to get them out of my head, hence the immense overflow of words that is the previous entry.

And today is looking up, I have an open space to live in the city of my choice. Now I just have to come up with the dough. Yeah, that'll be easy.

So I'm flipping off the slammed door and crawling through a window.

Fitting for a thief.

simplicity

2003-04-08T01:17:00.000-04:00

I have a tendency to be melodramatic. It sometimes feels like breathing to me. I have tried to hold my breath until my lungs burn and I think maybe, just maybe this time I might lose consciousness. This time I might be able to rest. But I always let go with a great gasp and draw another breath, rapidly, one after the other.

I graduate in exactly one month and two days. I get caught sometimes in a fold of time, so that I'm still present in the now, but overlayed smashed together is some scene, some memory from four years ago. And I stop and remember, the people that brought me here, and I remember the person I was. I find myself getting nostalgic at the weirdest times, so caught up in the past my heart actually aches; to the point that I'm clutching my chest and clenching my eyes closed.

I'm absolutely petrified. My greatest fear is about to come true. I've spent four years and 100,000 + and I'm coming out the other end still lost. Still floundering, still looking, still on the fringe. And I can't figure out if that's because I'm still running from the things I should be facing, if I'm still telling everyone what they expect to hear, if I'm still putting on the same old mask when everyone already knows my secret identity. Or if it's just because I'm not ready to be who I'm supposed to be yet.

Everyone tells me this is normal. This is natural, everyone feels this way. It's the 22 year old freak out.

Well A. I'm not 22.

And B. I guess it's normal to have some fear and be confused, but to feel total apathy for the future? I'm pretty sure that's not normal.

I can't help but look at exactly where I'm going to be in roughly four weeks. I'm going to be homeless. I'm going to be beyond poor. I'm going to have no direction and no aspirations. I'm going to have no job. I'm going to have a pretty piece of paper that's supposed to mean something.

And what's worse is that all of these wonderful things that are going to happen are my own choices, whether through fault or chance.

And there are still more choices at hand: there's always San Francisco, or Chicago, or New York. And Michigan. I always have choices, but I've already established that I'm just looking to fuck up my life (I think I've done pretty well so far, let it never be said that I did anything halfway)

At a time when I should be happy and excited and looking toward the future with great anticipation, all I can think about is death.

My best friend called me Saturday, he'd just gotten tested for HIV. He has a week to wait for the results. A week that is tearing him up inside as he relives his past choices over and over in his head. It hurts to know that he never learns until the lesson is his life. There are an infinite amount of ways to throw your life away, and I swear he is working on them all. Not that I have much room to talk.

For as long as I can remember I've been afraid to pick up the phone. Because it always heralds bad news. Sometimes I sit and stare at it, letting each ring go unanswered as the digital tone slips into my ears and shudders down my spine. If I let it ring, everything will be ok for a little while longer. Harboring delusions and living in denial isn't healthy, I know. Is it wrong to avoid your loved ones, your friends and family, because you know you can't take one more thing. You can't take one more hospital visit, or doctor's report, or cat scan. You can't take one more death, one more broken heart, one more sob filled phone call. Because you are in no position to do anything to help. You can't even put your arms around them because you are at least 700 miles away from anyone who ever mattered to you. And that's all you want to do, make it all better with the force of your presence.

I'd like to let the melodrama go, to make my life a model of simplicity. Equate breathing with the taking in and letting go, the natural cycle of things. Like the waves on the shore, so that if I'm weary it's because I've lived a long life of being worn down gradually, gracefully.

randon ditty

2003-03-26T08:48:00.000-05:00

We've been
ending our nights
in paper cups
filled with
strawberry wine

I've spent
all summer
trying to pick
a cherry
from your bush

trying to avoid
the pricks and pokes
nature seems
destined
to put in my way

I just know
it'll be that much sweeter
for the struggle
when I do.

*****
and yes cherries do grow on bushes, nanking bushes to be exact. heh.
http://www.almanac.com/garden/01.summer/nankingcherry.html

Krista

2003-03-25T08:42:00.000-05:00

I'm weighted
down
leaden
with the
ways of the world

Today
someone's life
ended before
it began

And you've
become a
cavern
sucked dry
past tense
usefulness

Stripped bare
you're burning
bridges
left and right
trying to become
who you are
alone

It's never wise
to start sculpting
a second
when you
haven't even
finished the first

I understand
choices and
consequences
but that doesn't
stop me from
sleeping the whole day
through

Knowing I can't
be there
for you.

there are no choices

2003-03-23T09:33:00.000-05:00

Slowly
pull by pull
I'm being dragged
towards the truth
by this
chain
tied to my heart
tied to my
very soul
And with each
tug
It becomes harder
to rationalize
to explain
to even understand
these feelings
And I wonder
if the rut marks
my heels make
are trying to
convince
me or them
of my reluctance.

dreams

2003-03-23T06:31:00.000-05:00

I can no longer
remember
what it is
I feared so much
but I am always
awakened
by the cold sweats,
pounding heart,
and gasping breath
that tells me
I'm still running.

accountable

2003-03-21T06:22:00.000-05:00

The world
has its
revolutions
and my head
is spinning
and all
the things I need to say
are not coming
and all
the things I want to write
never cross my mind
and I find
that the world has it easy
cause it owes
no one
any declarations
or expectations
or god forbid
any explanations
but I do.

again

2003-03-20T04:19:00.000-05:00

I want to tell her
that I have no words.
There are no words
that can change anything.

I want to tell her
that my lack of speech
is because I know
platitudes fall on deaf ears
and that I am torn apart
inside
too.

I want to teach
her to speak
without words
with her body
I want to ask her
with my own
let me heal you,
heal myself
tonight.

I have no spoken words.

still waters...

2003-03-19T04:11:00.000-05:00

Under this calm veneer
is a living breathing need
Would you be surprised
to know that
I would mark you
with my lips and teeth
I would taste you
with my tongue
I would hold you
through the night
within my arms
I would watch you
ride me
with your legs
wrapped round my waist
I would touch you
just to connect
just because I could
just to feel you

the woulds are driving me crazy
under this calm veneer.

underwear

2003-03-18T08:08:00.000-05:00

Clothed
in the skin
of leopard
I bet she stalks
her prey

How I'd like
to let her know
I'd play dead
for her.

cheers

2003-03-17T07:47:00.000-05:00

I have a promise to keep to my friend Bernie. It's St. Patrick's Day so...

I raise my glass to you and hope you're raising one to me as well in a pub by the quay. I know Ireland is treating you right.

To itsy, the road is long, the path is dark, but a little rum will guide our way. Thanks for walking with me as long as you could.

To megan, a bottle of red, a bottle of white, double shots of vodka, and gin. The only person in this world that can match me drink for drink. You're a wonderful friend, red.

To tory, I hope you've found what you were looking for, a pint to you for old time's sake. I know you hate to drink alone.

A toast to the lot of ya:

Health and life to you;
The mate of your choice to you;
Land without rent to you,
And death in Eirinn.

choices

2003-03-14T02:22:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning all cut to hell, like all the crap I never deal with during the day attacks me in my dreams. Making me fight till I bleed. I don't remember much of the night before, I've got the highlights but I don't know where I got all my injuries, or why I dreamt the things I did.

I find this increasing more and more. I'm convinced I'm just looking for all the ways to fuck up my life. Given any given choice I'm going to choose wrong. Like I finally believe it's too late. Yeah very early in my life it was too late.

I went to a party full of people I barely knew, I think I was the youngest person there. I sat in a corner with my humongous bottle of cheap wine, just drinking and thinking. Until I didn't have to worry any more about the constant doubts that whisper in my ear. I was listening to Ernst and Julio Gallo and laughter all around me. Until I could live up to my reputation. "Oh you're so much more fun when you drink!!" this is a compliment paid to me more times than I like to acknowledge. What exactly does that say about me? But I don't have to think about that cause my bottle is empty and it's time to move on.

And I laugh, and talk, and entertain until these people are in stitches. I'm sure I see the pity in their eyes despite how great I am, but I don't have to be what they see. I don't have to be a direct reflection. Cause I'm so much more fun when I drink and I've got a bottle of wine and three beers coursing through me.

I went to bed disgusted with myself and woke up bruised, bloody, and cut.

time

2003-03-12T14:57:00.000-05:00

I would have thought a year would be long enough. Long enough to get over you. But time is proving itself to be relative. Because three years was a long time to love you and on days like to today it doesn't seem long enough. I've figured out the solution though, I'll be fine if I never have to see you again.

All you had to do was walk in the room and I remembered. The half smile you'd get when you were happy and the way your eyes shone when you looked at me. The way you felt in my lap when I'd hold you. The way my hand fit perfectly splayed across your stomach. The way I was never quite warm enough unless you were touching me. The way you look in boxers. Thousands of little things locked away, seemingly forgotten. Little inconsequential things.

I had been lucky to forget just how easy and how much you could hurt me. You'll be honored to know I've never met anyone who could hurt me quite the way you do. Let it never be said you aren't talented. Just the sound of your voice was cutting.

I'll be honest. I couldn't look at you, or even acknowledge that you were there. But can you blame me? Yes I'm sure you did. I could tell by the sound of your voice, by your dismissal of my existence in return. But I could feel your eyes on me, aimed straight at my back; making sure to let me know just how happy you are, now. With him.

Yeah, a year definitely isn't long enough. Say hello to Mike for me won't you?

birth

2003-03-11T23:34:00.000-05:00

and another blurty's born.