the feeling is mutual.

"I wish you were here, next to me, so I could just squeeze you when things got tough."

I wish I was there too, so I could squeeze you when it all got to be too much. Because I love you in ways that I have never, never loved another person. and probably never will. But I'll be there soon and we can hunker down and let the world pass us by for a day or two.

my song part III

Dreams, I have dreams when I'm awake when I'm asleep
And you, you are in my Dreams
You're underneath my skin, how am I so weak

How long, can you hold your breath?
Can you count to ten, can you let it pass?
To keep, can you keep it in?
Keep it behind lashes, can you make it last?

And now in my dreams, I can feel the way
I can just come clean

I keep it to myself, I know what it means
I can't have you, but I have dreams
Oh, I have dreams, I have dreams

Mind, can you read my mind?
Has it come undone, am I showin' signs?

I think I am finally getting it through my head. It's been months and months of pouring my heart out. Of not getting the answers I need. Of trying to take the advice of my closest confidants. If I cut away most of the emotional bramble clouding the issue, the thing left that is bothering me is: did I matter? And the hard truth is, in the asking of the question I already have my answer. No. I did not matter. I still do not matter. and so many times I let that go. This time, this time I am not willing to let it go. This time I am angry. To the point that I wish I had never met you. I wish I had never heard your name. I wish I could close my eyes and not see your image. And it's shocking me a little bit, the anger, because people who have hurt me before have never garnered the same emotion. I truly believe the experiences, good and bad, make you who you are and there is a lesson in them all. This time, I cannot find the grace to learn.

I cheerfully could have enjoyed the rest of my life without your unconcerned intrusion. but. thems the breaks and those are the choices that I made. I'm sure the anger will pass. but oh, the road is long and I'm just beginning to travel. and heaven help me, the nights are even longer.

I missed him today

The heat has finally taken a break and I can't help feeling a little bit of euphoria when I step outside. The air has been oppressive, thick, heavy and unmoving. and I know with the rising of the sun comes the pregnant stillness again. so I'm going to wholeheartedly enjoy this little respite.

I'm hoping that the storms will come. I can feel them all around us, but so far they've just been moving passed, not through. The electricity in the air makes me itchy.

Why am I talking about the weather? Because I can.

The past few weeks have been hectic and worrisome. I am greatly surprised I haven't ended up with an ulcer. Thankfully I have bought myself maybe 6 more months of being able to breathe freely. and it feels a lot like freedom.

Been spending the a lot time on dirt roads in the country. It's been a little like coming home.

Another relationship is coming up to its end. I'd like to be able to say goodbye this time, but I am not sure I'll get the chance.

I missed him today. or maybe I missed who I thought he should have been. in any event, it was ok. It felt good to miss him, once I finally gave myself permission.

remember when this used to be profound? yeah, I don't either.

my song part 2

I'm afraid to sink, I'm afraid to swim
I'm sad to say I miss my friends
I know that I'm supposed to step away
But they need me to stay and keep a watchful eye
On all my heroes and all their demons

But who's gonna break my fall
When the spinning starts
The colors bleed together and fade
Was it ever there at all
Or have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today

conversations I do not want to have are looming. just adding one more pebble to the avalanche. I'm still trying to find my feet in this. sometimes I stop looking....shhhh....don't tell. an easel sits in the corner gathering dust. sometimes I think it glares at me accusingly, along with the bike that sits in the garage. but that's mostly just my neurosis.....mostly.

I wrote a letter, in which I gushed, and did not care a whit about the response. small victories.

I got drunk with an old friend. I said a lot of things I wish I hadn't. I exposed a great deal more than I should have. and I did some stuff that makes me a tad angry with myself. my P-S tendencies are manifesting themselves in increasingly stupid ways. I enjoyed the waitress, but then I always do.

you know how you read about certain sexual practices and wonder how anyone likes that sort of thing? until you try it and find out you're the kind of person who likes that sort of thing? yeah, that's annoying.

my corner of the world is waking up to tuesday morning. and I still think platonic cuddling is perfectly viable.

stolen from a muchly missed meara

Realizations Survey (Enlightening, much)

1. I've come to realize that my boobs:
are not very sensitive. surprisingly I don't have too many breast related epiphany's.

2. I've come to realize that when I talk:
I'm not very clear because even I have stopped caring about what I'm saying.

3. I've come to realize that when I drive:
I feel free unless I have a bout of road rage.

4. I've come to realize that I need:
people who are mine.

5. I've come to realize that I lost:
my way.

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when:
you lie to my face and expect me to understand.

7. I've come to realize that if I'm drunk:
I do all those stupid things I used to make fun of my friends for, but I'm more sly about it, so the shame is still private.

8. I've come to realize that money:
is the only thing that has a hope of making a difference.

9. I've come to realize that people:
are bright and shiny and wonderful, but fleeting.

10. I've come to realize that I'll always be:
here.

12. I've come to realize that the last time I cried:
wasn't nearly enough.

13. I've come to realize that my cell phone:
brings me more sadness than joy now.

14. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning:
I really wanted to sleep more and not get a text about someone's marital fight.

15. I've come to realize that before I go to sleep at night :
I pace outside in the night and make promises I'm never going to keep.

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about:
old friends contacting me and should I return the favor.

17. I've come to realize that babies are:
for other people.

18. I've come to realize that when I get on Myspace:
I hate it.

19. I've come to realize that today I will:
find joy in something.

20. I've come to realize that tonight I will:
do whatever comes along, I don't plan that much.

21. I've come to realize that tomorrow I will:
start all over again.

22. I've come to realize that I really want to:
figure out what I really want.

free form

5 days and counting

doesn't seem like a lot. but it is.

I'm not going to be the one to break this time. maybe it's reached a point where it's done.

it's sad that I'm kinda addicted to you. but you're pretty much all I've got. and that's not all that much.

you should go to d.c. and lose my number.

it seems a shame to say hello again, before saying goodbye. but that's what I'm going to do.

I was a fool to think I had any sort of chance at meaning something. I really hate to be made a fool of.

your secrets are your own. I just have a hard time accepting that. it's hard to know 90% of the time you're lying to me.

if I keep paring down, maybe I'll reach a point where it's ok to be gone.

nothing coherent, nothing profound.

this is my song

You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do

here's to being sorry for getting what you asked for, and laughing hysterically.....emphasis on the hysterical part.

mostly wtf!?!?

wow, I need to fix my blog. I tore it all apart with the intent to make it look shiny and pretty, but yeah, that hasn't happened yet. been a long time since I sat down to do this. It only seems to be brought out by certain people. or maybe certain days. or sleep deprivation.

should be sleeping. but can't stop waging this war against the entire concept. It is so not the day for melancholy nonsense. yet I find myself wading in it. course I always get a little sad when I reach this point of muddled half zombieness. yes zombieness, it's a perfectly acceptable word.

I find myself wanting to say all the old things again. reiterate. rehash. rewhine. (again, perfectly acceptable)

I like to beat my head into the same brick wall...

eh fuck that.

three unrelated things:
1.) I'm glad you are being seen again

2.)I wish I got the full picture.

3.)here's to crawling out of the vagina day.