random thoughts really early in the morning and unfinished words

The words have not come for a long time. Sometimes I think that's not such a bad thing, that it's time to let all that nonsense go. The words were never that good to begin with and the point was really only for me. It's ok to stop. but the flip side is that if the words are not there, it means that I'm not feeling anything. I haven't felt anything for a very long time. I can pinpoint it almost exactly to when I let someone else walk over me again. and I hate myself for that. well ok, it's simplifying things to say I've felt nothing; more the things that I've been feeling I've been refusing to acknowledge. I miss owning that. I miss creating. no matter how crappy it turns out.

I've been having trouble these last few months. trouble saying goodbye. trouble knowing what to feel. trouble with people I thought I could count on. trouble trying to make everything ok, when it's not. trouble with anger and love, guilt and relief, feeling lost. I'm getting bigger, but life is getting smaller. I haven't been able to cry. except for this one song. it seems to be the only way I can touch any of the things lurking around inside. I went out saturday night and on the drive to portage I was sorting through the anger and disappointment, I was reconciling some bad decisions I wanted to make in the upcoming evening. I was going to go looking in the wrong places just to shut things up inside. until I played this song and I found myself singing through tears and it rocked me. it scares me the places my mind has been going. the places I'm willing to go, that I never.....never would have gone before. it would be easy to name names, to place the blame on my encounters with other people. but the hard truth is that I'm the one continuing to make those decisions, long after those other people are gone. more so I'm furthering down the road. what would he think of me now, with the clearer picture I'm presenting? would it prove him right? would it make him sad? could he see himself? I keep playing that song. maybe to make myself immune. maybe to keep crying till I don't need it anymore.

I never thought I would reach a place where I felt abandoned by you. unwanted. uncomfortable. why do you make me beg for your time? why do you make me feel like the least important thing in your life? when did it reach a point where you could make me feel wrong. I broached the subject while working my way towards drunk. she told me to let go. I don't want to hear that bullshit, like it's that easy? like that's the solution? I've been fucking "let go" more times than I can count and I've let go. neither side was a situation that worked well for me. let fucking go....so I can welcome the next fuck up that's going to tear my heart out of my chest and grind it under the heel of their shoe with open arms? because as my track record shows I haven't the faintest fucking idea who to trust. and of course the opportunities for meaningful relationships is endless in my current situation. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I'm still angry.

I'd give a great deal for a hug. some place safe to sleep. some place safe to feel. and I really hate you for letting me know what that felt like and then taking it away. I. hate. you.

lol. and I hate you because I don't hate you. which makes total sense.

here are words that have been lying around unfinished for months and probably will remain unfinished because I can't seem to make anything work anymore. perhaps they speak more for themselves and my state of mind in their unfinished state than they ever would done.....


each corridor
is a long one
lined with alien
instruments
that aid the fight for life
at regular intervals
are silent rectangles
doorways filled
with the forgotten people

I go to visit a man
I never really knew
dodging people
dressed in the colors
of the rainbow
that fall flat
in the muted air
forcing cheer
into the small spaces
between gasping breaths
and hacking coughs
and random wailing

I go to stare out a window
at red and orange brick
fighting a pale blue summer sky
do they put the floors so high
trying to force god to take notice?
or to place people that much
closer to the end?

I go to help shoulder a burden
that I'm not sure is mine
fighting the equivalent of a five year old
who is not sure if he wants to live
or is just scared to die.

I go to witness the death
of a man.
I go to watch him waste away
to watch the spark of recognition
in eyes so like mine
fade.
I go to try to figure out
where love
fits into this macabre equation

I go to say goodbye.

**********************************************

everything changes
when you say it out loud
so I'm confining the words to paper
bodily
you are gone
have been gone
for years
but I can still feel you
2 weeks
still present
in my mind
still expecting the phone
to be a call from you
2 weeks
still a part of me
like I professed you were
I said it out loud
and then you left
I keep coming across your path
2 weeks out of step.
I miss you
and everything has changed.

waiting

I have been reluctant to write because I have been afraid of what the words will say. things have been dark, and avoiding it seems better than making a record. and there are only so many times you can say the same things to the same people before you get tired of speaking and they get tired of hearing. for better or worse I'm ok for now, for whatever reason. which is ironic given the state that my friend is in.

if something doesn't change soon I'm not going to be around much longer.

the words are somewhat innocuous taken out of context. it's the context that worries me. I find myself in a position where I truly don't know what to do. I have my beliefs that I've always stayed strongly aligned to, wherein each person is entitled to do with their life whatever they wish, the obvious caveats aside. and then there is the selfish part of me that wants to tell anyone that might be able to help, to break all the rules, lay in wait, call every 10 minutes or so; anything that might affect the outcome in my favor, no matter the betrayal. after all, I'm no stranger to betrayal, especially in this game we've been playing.

it bothers me when he says I love you, now. I can feel him trying to say goodbye, even when he knows there are no sufficient words to make the point. trying to wrap us up. he agreed we'd talk tomorrow, last night. and he only said goodnight. but I don't know if that makes me worry more or less. I keep waiting for the phone to ring. keep waiting for the last bits to crumble around me. keep waiting for the month of may to keep outdoing itself for the crappiest month of every year.

we always seem to come out intact. and this isn't the first time I've doubted that outcome. it is however the first time I've doubted my role in it all.

ok, so I suck at blogging.

no surprise there. however with the new year in its infancy I wanted to take some time to make a list of things to remember / apply to this brand spanking new stretch of time....

in no particular order:

* the world is full of people who suck, take the time to tell the people you've found who don't suck how much you appreciate them

*glitter and neon hide a lot of unpretty things about life

*the desert agrees with me

*never sleep with someone when you know its wrong, no matter how much they beg you, no matter how drunk you are, no matter how much you're tired of being alone. it's much lonlier the morning after. trust me.

*don't regret placing your trust, the fault is in them, not in you

*when the drunk straight married object of your affection kisses you, you should kiss them back, it's probably the only shot you'll get, but when they tell you they want to fuck you, it's time to take them home so they can sleep it off alone

*if you find yourself making increasingly bad choices every time you drink, you should stop drinking

*enjoy being "the girl" to a group of guys. if you can find the right kind of guys.

*never ever ever ever drink scooby snacks, the next thing you know you're carressing someone's naked ass.

*please do not text / call me about your sex life. I don't want to know unless you're one of maybe 5 people. and those people know who they are, or they should.

*I'm basically a naturally unhappy person, this annoys the fuck out of almost everyone.

*don't compromise

*LAUGH

*drive around in the dead of night looking for a lost cell phone

*go swimming in all your clothes in las vegas in the middle of the night.

*really experience rain

*enjoy the smell of snow

*keep failing, go with what works

*if you hit a church with a U-Haul, keep driving, but take the time to secure a momento

*never go through or to new mexico, iowa, or arkansas

*fuck springfield missouri.

*accept compliments, even if you think they are lying through their teeth

*single out someone who interests you and inform they are going to be your bestfriend. the results are usually spectacular.

*try to learn to love yourself, it will make loving those around you much easier

last but not least...

*take the time to use this crappy blog.