random thoughts really early in the morning and unfinished words

The words have not come for a long time. Sometimes I think that's not such a bad thing, that it's time to let all that nonsense go. The words were never that good to begin with and the point was really only for me. It's ok to stop. but the flip side is that if the words are not there, it means that I'm not feeling anything. I haven't felt anything for a very long time. I can pinpoint it almost exactly to when I let someone else walk over me again. and I hate myself for that. well ok, it's simplifying things to say I've felt nothing; more the things that I've been feeling I've been refusing to acknowledge. I miss owning that. I miss creating. no matter how crappy it turns out.

I've been having trouble these last few months. trouble saying goodbye. trouble knowing what to feel. trouble with people I thought I could count on. trouble trying to make everything ok, when it's not. trouble with anger and love, guilt and relief, feeling lost. I'm getting bigger, but life is getting smaller. I haven't been able to cry. except for this one song. it seems to be the only way I can touch any of the things lurking around inside. I went out saturday night and on the drive to portage I was sorting through the anger and disappointment, I was reconciling some bad decisions I wanted to make in the upcoming evening. I was going to go looking in the wrong places just to shut things up inside. until I played this song and I found myself singing through tears and it rocked me. it scares me the places my mind has been going. the places I'm willing to go, that I never.....never would have gone before. it would be easy to name names, to place the blame on my encounters with other people. but the hard truth is that I'm the one continuing to make those decisions, long after those other people are gone. more so I'm furthering down the road. what would he think of me now, with the clearer picture I'm presenting? would it prove him right? would it make him sad? could he see himself? I keep playing that song. maybe to make myself immune. maybe to keep crying till I don't need it anymore.

I never thought I would reach a place where I felt abandoned by you. unwanted. uncomfortable. why do you make me beg for your time? why do you make me feel like the least important thing in your life? when did it reach a point where you could make me feel wrong. I broached the subject while working my way towards drunk. she told me to let go. I don't want to hear that bullshit, like it's that easy? like that's the solution? I've been fucking "let go" more times than I can count and I've let go. neither side was a situation that worked well for me. let fucking go....so I can welcome the next fuck up that's going to tear my heart out of my chest and grind it under the heel of their shoe with open arms? because as my track record shows I haven't the faintest fucking idea who to trust. and of course the opportunities for meaningful relationships is endless in my current situation. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I'm still angry.

I'd give a great deal for a hug. some place safe to sleep. some place safe to feel. and I really hate you for letting me know what that felt like and then taking it away. I. hate. you.

lol. and I hate you because I don't hate you. which makes total sense.

here are words that have been lying around unfinished for months and probably will remain unfinished because I can't seem to make anything work anymore. perhaps they speak more for themselves and my state of mind in their unfinished state than they ever would done.....


each corridor
is a long one
lined with alien
instruments
that aid the fight for life
at regular intervals
are silent rectangles
doorways filled
with the forgotten people

I go to visit a man
I never really knew
dodging people
dressed in the colors
of the rainbow
that fall flat
in the muted air
forcing cheer
into the small spaces
between gasping breaths
and hacking coughs
and random wailing

I go to stare out a window
at red and orange brick
fighting a pale blue summer sky
do they put the floors so high
trying to force god to take notice?
or to place people that much
closer to the end?

I go to help shoulder a burden
that I'm not sure is mine
fighting the equivalent of a five year old
who is not sure if he wants to live
or is just scared to die.

I go to witness the death
of a man.
I go to watch him waste away
to watch the spark of recognition
in eyes so like mine
fade.
I go to try to figure out
where love
fits into this macabre equation

I go to say goodbye.

**********************************************

everything changes
when you say it out loud
so I'm confining the words to paper
bodily
you are gone
have been gone
for years
but I can still feel you
2 weeks
still present
in my mind
still expecting the phone
to be a call from you
2 weeks
still a part of me
like I professed you were
I said it out loud
and then you left
I keep coming across your path
2 weeks out of step.
I miss you
and everything has changed.