the feeling is mutual.

"I wish you were here, next to me, so I could just squeeze you when things got tough."

I wish I was there too, so I could squeeze you when it all got to be too much. Because I love you in ways that I have never, never loved another person. and probably never will. But I'll be there soon and we can hunker down and let the world pass us by for a day or two.

my song part III

Dreams, I have dreams when I'm awake when I'm asleep
And you, you are in my Dreams
You're underneath my skin, how am I so weak

How long, can you hold your breath?
Can you count to ten, can you let it pass?
To keep, can you keep it in?
Keep it behind lashes, can you make it last?

And now in my dreams, I can feel the way
I can just come clean

I keep it to myself, I know what it means
I can't have you, but I have dreams
Oh, I have dreams, I have dreams

Mind, can you read my mind?
Has it come undone, am I showin' signs?

I think I am finally getting it through my head. It's been months and months of pouring my heart out. Of not getting the answers I need. Of trying to take the advice of my closest confidants. If I cut away most of the emotional bramble clouding the issue, the thing left that is bothering me is: did I matter? And the hard truth is, in the asking of the question I already have my answer. No. I did not matter. I still do not matter. and so many times I let that go. This time, this time I am not willing to let it go. This time I am angry. To the point that I wish I had never met you. I wish I had never heard your name. I wish I could close my eyes and not see your image. And it's shocking me a little bit, the anger, because people who have hurt me before have never garnered the same emotion. I truly believe the experiences, good and bad, make you who you are and there is a lesson in them all. This time, I cannot find the grace to learn.

I cheerfully could have enjoyed the rest of my life without your unconcerned intrusion. but. thems the breaks and those are the choices that I made. I'm sure the anger will pass. but oh, the road is long and I'm just beginning to travel. and heaven help me, the nights are even longer.

I missed him today

The heat has finally taken a break and I can't help feeling a little bit of euphoria when I step outside. The air has been oppressive, thick, heavy and unmoving. and I know with the rising of the sun comes the pregnant stillness again. so I'm going to wholeheartedly enjoy this little respite.

I'm hoping that the storms will come. I can feel them all around us, but so far they've just been moving passed, not through. The electricity in the air makes me itchy.

Why am I talking about the weather? Because I can.

The past few weeks have been hectic and worrisome. I am greatly surprised I haven't ended up with an ulcer. Thankfully I have bought myself maybe 6 more months of being able to breathe freely. and it feels a lot like freedom.

Been spending the a lot time on dirt roads in the country. It's been a little like coming home.

Another relationship is coming up to its end. I'd like to be able to say goodbye this time, but I am not sure I'll get the chance.

I missed him today. or maybe I missed who I thought he should have been. in any event, it was ok. It felt good to miss him, once I finally gave myself permission.

remember when this used to be profound? yeah, I don't either.

my song part 2

I'm afraid to sink, I'm afraid to swim
I'm sad to say I miss my friends
I know that I'm supposed to step away
But they need me to stay and keep a watchful eye
On all my heroes and all their demons

But who's gonna break my fall
When the spinning starts
The colors bleed together and fade
Was it ever there at all
Or have I lost my way
The path of least resistance
Is catching up with me again today

conversations I do not want to have are looming. just adding one more pebble to the avalanche. I'm still trying to find my feet in this. sometimes I stop looking....shhhh....don't tell. an easel sits in the corner gathering dust. sometimes I think it glares at me accusingly, along with the bike that sits in the garage. but that's mostly just my neurosis.....mostly.

I wrote a letter, in which I gushed, and did not care a whit about the response. small victories.

I got drunk with an old friend. I said a lot of things I wish I hadn't. I exposed a great deal more than I should have. and I did some stuff that makes me a tad angry with myself. my P-S tendencies are manifesting themselves in increasingly stupid ways. I enjoyed the waitress, but then I always do.

you know how you read about certain sexual practices and wonder how anyone likes that sort of thing? until you try it and find out you're the kind of person who likes that sort of thing? yeah, that's annoying.

my corner of the world is waking up to tuesday morning. and I still think platonic cuddling is perfectly viable.

stolen from a muchly missed meara

Realizations Survey (Enlightening, much)

1. I've come to realize that my boobs:
are not very sensitive. surprisingly I don't have too many breast related epiphany's.

2. I've come to realize that when I talk:
I'm not very clear because even I have stopped caring about what I'm saying.

3. I've come to realize that when I drive:
I feel free unless I have a bout of road rage.

4. I've come to realize that I need:
people who are mine.

5. I've come to realize that I lost:
my way.

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when:
you lie to my face and expect me to understand.

7. I've come to realize that if I'm drunk:
I do all those stupid things I used to make fun of my friends for, but I'm more sly about it, so the shame is still private.

8. I've come to realize that money:
is the only thing that has a hope of making a difference.

9. I've come to realize that people:
are bright and shiny and wonderful, but fleeting.

10. I've come to realize that I'll always be:
here.

12. I've come to realize that the last time I cried:
wasn't nearly enough.

13. I've come to realize that my cell phone:
brings me more sadness than joy now.

14. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning:
I really wanted to sleep more and not get a text about someone's marital fight.

15. I've come to realize that before I go to sleep at night :
I pace outside in the night and make promises I'm never going to keep.

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about:
old friends contacting me and should I return the favor.

17. I've come to realize that babies are:
for other people.

18. I've come to realize that when I get on Myspace:
I hate it.

19. I've come to realize that today I will:
find joy in something.

20. I've come to realize that tonight I will:
do whatever comes along, I don't plan that much.

21. I've come to realize that tomorrow I will:
start all over again.

22. I've come to realize that I really want to:
figure out what I really want.

free form

5 days and counting

doesn't seem like a lot. but it is.

I'm not going to be the one to break this time. maybe it's reached a point where it's done.

it's sad that I'm kinda addicted to you. but you're pretty much all I've got. and that's not all that much.

you should go to d.c. and lose my number.

it seems a shame to say hello again, before saying goodbye. but that's what I'm going to do.

I was a fool to think I had any sort of chance at meaning something. I really hate to be made a fool of.

your secrets are your own. I just have a hard time accepting that. it's hard to know 90% of the time you're lying to me.

if I keep paring down, maybe I'll reach a point where it's ok to be gone.

nothing coherent, nothing profound.

this is my song

You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do

here's to being sorry for getting what you asked for, and laughing hysterically.....emphasis on the hysterical part.

mostly wtf!?!?

wow, I need to fix my blog. I tore it all apart with the intent to make it look shiny and pretty, but yeah, that hasn't happened yet. been a long time since I sat down to do this. It only seems to be brought out by certain people. or maybe certain days. or sleep deprivation.

should be sleeping. but can't stop waging this war against the entire concept. It is so not the day for melancholy nonsense. yet I find myself wading in it. course I always get a little sad when I reach this point of muddled half zombieness. yes zombieness, it's a perfectly acceptable word.

I find myself wanting to say all the old things again. reiterate. rehash. rewhine. (again, perfectly acceptable)

I like to beat my head into the same brick wall...

eh fuck that.

three unrelated things:
1.) I'm glad you are being seen again

2.)I wish I got the full picture.

3.)here's to crawling out of the vagina day.

random thoughts really early in the morning and unfinished words

The words have not come for a long time. Sometimes I think that's not such a bad thing, that it's time to let all that nonsense go. The words were never that good to begin with and the point was really only for me. It's ok to stop. but the flip side is that if the words are not there, it means that I'm not feeling anything. I haven't felt anything for a very long time. I can pinpoint it almost exactly to when I let someone else walk over me again. and I hate myself for that. well ok, it's simplifying things to say I've felt nothing; more the things that I've been feeling I've been refusing to acknowledge. I miss owning that. I miss creating. no matter how crappy it turns out.

I've been having trouble these last few months. trouble saying goodbye. trouble knowing what to feel. trouble with people I thought I could count on. trouble trying to make everything ok, when it's not. trouble with anger and love, guilt and relief, feeling lost. I'm getting bigger, but life is getting smaller. I haven't been able to cry. except for this one song. it seems to be the only way I can touch any of the things lurking around inside. I went out saturday night and on the drive to portage I was sorting through the anger and disappointment, I was reconciling some bad decisions I wanted to make in the upcoming evening. I was going to go looking in the wrong places just to shut things up inside. until I played this song and I found myself singing through tears and it rocked me. it scares me the places my mind has been going. the places I'm willing to go, that I never.....never would have gone before. it would be easy to name names, to place the blame on my encounters with other people. but the hard truth is that I'm the one continuing to make those decisions, long after those other people are gone. more so I'm furthering down the road. what would he think of me now, with the clearer picture I'm presenting? would it prove him right? would it make him sad? could he see himself? I keep playing that song. maybe to make myself immune. maybe to keep crying till I don't need it anymore.

I never thought I would reach a place where I felt abandoned by you. unwanted. uncomfortable. why do you make me beg for your time? why do you make me feel like the least important thing in your life? when did it reach a point where you could make me feel wrong. I broached the subject while working my way towards drunk. she told me to let go. I don't want to hear that bullshit, like it's that easy? like that's the solution? I've been fucking "let go" more times than I can count and I've let go. neither side was a situation that worked well for me. let fucking go....so I can welcome the next fuck up that's going to tear my heart out of my chest and grind it under the heel of their shoe with open arms? because as my track record shows I haven't the faintest fucking idea who to trust. and of course the opportunities for meaningful relationships is endless in my current situation. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I'm still angry.

I'd give a great deal for a hug. some place safe to sleep. some place safe to feel. and I really hate you for letting me know what that felt like and then taking it away. I. hate. you.

lol. and I hate you because I don't hate you. which makes total sense.

here are words that have been lying around unfinished for months and probably will remain unfinished because I can't seem to make anything work anymore. perhaps they speak more for themselves and my state of mind in their unfinished state than they ever would done.....


each corridor
is a long one
lined with alien
instruments
that aid the fight for life
at regular intervals
are silent rectangles
doorways filled
with the forgotten people

I go to visit a man
I never really knew
dodging people
dressed in the colors
of the rainbow
that fall flat
in the muted air
forcing cheer
into the small spaces
between gasping breaths
and hacking coughs
and random wailing

I go to stare out a window
at red and orange brick
fighting a pale blue summer sky
do they put the floors so high
trying to force god to take notice?
or to place people that much
closer to the end?

I go to help shoulder a burden
that I'm not sure is mine
fighting the equivalent of a five year old
who is not sure if he wants to live
or is just scared to die.

I go to witness the death
of a man.
I go to watch him waste away
to watch the spark of recognition
in eyes so like mine
fade.
I go to try to figure out
where love
fits into this macabre equation

I go to say goodbye.

**********************************************

everything changes
when you say it out loud
so I'm confining the words to paper
bodily
you are gone
have been gone
for years
but I can still feel you
2 weeks
still present
in my mind
still expecting the phone
to be a call from you
2 weeks
still a part of me
like I professed you were
I said it out loud
and then you left
I keep coming across your path
2 weeks out of step.
I miss you
and everything has changed.

waiting

I have been reluctant to write because I have been afraid of what the words will say. things have been dark, and avoiding it seems better than making a record. and there are only so many times you can say the same things to the same people before you get tired of speaking and they get tired of hearing. for better or worse I'm ok for now, for whatever reason. which is ironic given the state that my friend is in.

if something doesn't change soon I'm not going to be around much longer.

the words are somewhat innocuous taken out of context. it's the context that worries me. I find myself in a position where I truly don't know what to do. I have my beliefs that I've always stayed strongly aligned to, wherein each person is entitled to do with their life whatever they wish, the obvious caveats aside. and then there is the selfish part of me that wants to tell anyone that might be able to help, to break all the rules, lay in wait, call every 10 minutes or so; anything that might affect the outcome in my favor, no matter the betrayal. after all, I'm no stranger to betrayal, especially in this game we've been playing.

it bothers me when he says I love you, now. I can feel him trying to say goodbye, even when he knows there are no sufficient words to make the point. trying to wrap us up. he agreed we'd talk tomorrow, last night. and he only said goodnight. but I don't know if that makes me worry more or less. I keep waiting for the phone to ring. keep waiting for the last bits to crumble around me. keep waiting for the month of may to keep outdoing itself for the crappiest month of every year.

we always seem to come out intact. and this isn't the first time I've doubted that outcome. it is however the first time I've doubted my role in it all.

ok, so I suck at blogging.

no surprise there. however with the new year in its infancy I wanted to take some time to make a list of things to remember / apply to this brand spanking new stretch of time....

in no particular order:

* the world is full of people who suck, take the time to tell the people you've found who don't suck how much you appreciate them

*glitter and neon hide a lot of unpretty things about life

*the desert agrees with me

*never sleep with someone when you know its wrong, no matter how much they beg you, no matter how drunk you are, no matter how much you're tired of being alone. it's much lonlier the morning after. trust me.

*don't regret placing your trust, the fault is in them, not in you

*when the drunk straight married object of your affection kisses you, you should kiss them back, it's probably the only shot you'll get, but when they tell you they want to fuck you, it's time to take them home so they can sleep it off alone

*if you find yourself making increasingly bad choices every time you drink, you should stop drinking

*enjoy being "the girl" to a group of guys. if you can find the right kind of guys.

*never ever ever ever drink scooby snacks, the next thing you know you're carressing someone's naked ass.

*please do not text / call me about your sex life. I don't want to know unless you're one of maybe 5 people. and those people know who they are, or they should.

*I'm basically a naturally unhappy person, this annoys the fuck out of almost everyone.

*don't compromise

*LAUGH

*drive around in the dead of night looking for a lost cell phone

*go swimming in all your clothes in las vegas in the middle of the night.

*really experience rain

*enjoy the smell of snow

*keep failing, go with what works

*if you hit a church with a U-Haul, keep driving, but take the time to secure a momento

*never go through or to new mexico, iowa, or arkansas

*fuck springfield missouri.

*accept compliments, even if you think they are lying through their teeth

*single out someone who interests you and inform they are going to be your bestfriend. the results are usually spectacular.

*try to learn to love yourself, it will make loving those around you much easier

last but not least...

*take the time to use this crappy blog.

once more with feeling

do you ever look up people you know or used to know on google? it's not a good habit to get into. plus it's kinda creepy. and it's just served to reinforce this mental place that I'm in. of not feeling good enough. it's a tough monkey to throw completely off your back.

let's look at A, B, and C. With A you have everything you've ever wanted, but for one small hiccup. With B, you have a kindred. and then there is C, me. and I can't seem to get why I keep factoring in, clawing between attached at the hip and ultra suaveness. or even why I want to. I keep coming back to you, even when I feel like shit. every. single. time.

because I don't know how to love someone unless they don't feel the same.

I'm enamored of this thing they call: letting go.

someday I might even manage it.

one year for every hour in a day

mother nature at least agrees with me. overcast and raining. just this side of cold, able to wear shorts and a t-shirt without shivering. even the birds have mostly shut the fuck up. now, if the sun never makes an appearance it will be the perfect day. one made to spend in bed. or drinking. maybe I'll do both. they say don't smoke in bed, nothing about drinking.

and damn him for making me remember. even if it was sweet. I was happy to forget.

I'm thoroughly amused by one person's childish perdictability. on this day it feels good to wish them hopes of growing up. even though I know it will never happen. at least I'll always be light years ahead.

odd rough rough draft.

I wonder


Are my intentions
written clearly
on my face?

am I as
out of control
as I feel?

Do you know
how hard
I'm trying
not
to run my hands
up
your thighs?

despite
knowing,
I'm just an
accessable replacement
for someone
you know
you can't
have.

despite
knowing,
I have no
capability
of letting myself
love someone
anyway.

so far,
those
compelling reasons
haven't kept
my eyes from tracing
the contours
of your body,
or my hands from twitching
wanting to follow,

constantly
asking myself
what if?

chromosomes

such contempt for the xx pairing. in the future save someone a lot of heartache. just fucking adopt if the y is so important to you. don't get married. and spend your time in the locker room. then you won't ever have to deal with such unpleasantness ever again.

god, your mother would be so disappointed in you.

I have never been so happy to not have a penis in all my life.

We've sat like this
for years
of our lives
the seats may have changed
(though mostly bucket)
the cars have definitely
changed,
the scenery is different
growing older
right along with us.

We may have moved
from the way back,
to the back,
to passenger
and driver
but we're still
provoked to confess
by the darkness
whipping passed;

talking to eachother
through lyrics
of music played too loud,
through screaming,
for screamings sake
through clasped hands
and speed.

flicking caution
out the open windows
like ashes
from our cigarettes

seeking penance
by the lighters light
and absolution
by the dayglo dashboard

Some things
are easier said
when you know
the person will
always
be beside you

never in front of
or behind.

confessions

ok, so. I've got to talk about something that has been bothering me for awhile. and it's kind of a touchy subject. some people may not understand my viewpoint. but I can't keep it to myself any longer. at any rate this is going to be hard for me to work through, so some lenience please.

*deep breath*

why is eric roberts haunting me? seriously. why am I always seeing that guy on t.v? what rabid twist of fate led to his career of every music video ever. I've really tried to be calm about this. but I have no problem admitting I've cracked. I think this is just a small manifestation of a musical crisis I'm going through. and with the way trends are going I don't believe I'll be coming out of it any time soon. I still blame eric roberts.

at least rob thomas has cut his hair. it's the little things, I guess.

off to sleep, and if I dream of eric roberts, you'll hear me scream.

a moment of silence...

or however you choose to acknowledge a passing.


for my car. and everything therein.



thank you.

half thought through, a third finished...

it's funny to realize when someone has lost faith in you. to realize everyone has lost faith in you. even funnier to realize you have lost faith in yourself. too many of my sentences begin with the condition " I used to..." or " I'm not usually like this but..." what happened? where along the way did I lose everything I used to be? I have my sneaking suspicions when it all begain. too long willingly giving myself away in pieces, to shore up those that never gave a fuck where the support came from. or even realized whose back they are consistently standing on. eventually there is a limit, or at least in my case, everything has run out. and now, when I need to give, there is nothing there. and most days I can't even bring myself to care.

but I am tired of dissapointing. of hearing that resignation in people's voices in reference to me. of feeling justified because after all, someone did it to me first. of constantly turning everything into something about me. and please, refrain from pointing out how that last statement directly contradicts the entire point of having an online journal. the irony hasn't escaped me.

I don't know how to rebuild people's faith, because I don't know how to rebuild myself. I'm not sure I even want to.

the twilight zone

here's how the conversation went:

you: you know, I'm thinking we should make the deadline christmas

me: really?

you: yeah, you know, just have there be nothing to do when we come back for christmas.

me: ok.

you: see my point? I mean we could finish next week and yay, but the deadline is december.

me: yeah, no, that makes total sense. I see your point.

how the conversation should have gone:

you: you know, I'm thinking we should make the deadline christmas.

me: are you completely fucking crazy? there is no fucking way. nutjob.

*sigh*