so minneapolis

If you pay close enough attention to everything around you, you become aware of recurring patterns and shapes and behaviors. There are only so many in existence and they crop up over and over again, if you have a discerning eye. Because we are beings that need to define and own; we single out the ones we think we understand and then give them names. Me, I notice them a lot. I've begun to pick out the repeating themes in my life and assign value to them, i.e. like and hate, logical, useful, paranoia and so on.

I have been reminded of my hatred for triangles. I'll admit to a lack of conviction on many issues but the absolute refusal to allow triangles into my life isn't one of them. But no matter how much I try to make this truth, I realize I have no control over it, I look around and there they are. Now don't get me wrong, it's not like I avoid yield signs or pictures of egypt. It's not an irrational hatred of triangles, but a very hard earned lesson that triangles are no good for me. Especially in the aspect of relationships.

Let's look at triangles, shall we? I mean from a purely aesthetic viewpoint, they are deceiving in looks. Logically you would deduce that the very nature of triangles is stability, balance, solidity; because you always have two sides to support the one. This is an error in deduction. Triangles are not stable. The fact is, the two sides that support the one are always the closer of the three. They experience the same things at the same time, while the point that is suspended experiences something totally different and is always seperated by a set amount of distance from the "stabling" points. This creates feelings of alienation and resentment. Trust me. Now the other big problem with triangles. You might think, well the aforementioned problem is easily fixable, as long as the triangle keeps turning, the experiences can be evened out by the rotation of points. Ah...you silly silly person. That's what sucks about points. Triangles are not conducive to turning. They are static, stagnant, festering, stuck, unmoving.....you get my point?

So I found myself looking out from my stupor at all that used to be my world and all I saw were triangles of people, with me being the satellite point. I'm not sure I know how I keep letting myself get into these situations, as they always cause me pain. I swore after the whole Sarah / Danielle / Me, Danielle / Stacey / Me fiasco I wouldn't do this to myself anymore. But that doesn't seem to be working. And nothing made that more evident than my time spent with Krista and Steven. All of a sudden there is a palpable history between them that buffers me from ever reaching certain parts that used to be accesible to me. I sat in that wooden chair, safe and set in place, fulfilling my duties as a point, and watched as even our positions mirrored a triangle. The overwhelming feeling was an ache to touch what was unspoken between them, between us. To voice what was an awkward elephant in the small cluttered room. How do I fit in your lives now? I'm not what I was to either of them anymore. The weight of Krista's disappointment and Steven's questioning glances were enough to drive me into silence. I didn't have answers for them. I don't think I want to have any answers for them. In fact, for once I want them to have answers for me.

What happens when you shave off the top of a triangle? You are left with a trapezoid. Which is all well and good, a still functioning and stable shape to have. But what about the piece that's shaved off? That's still a triangle. A smaller, bewildered triangle, but still a triangle all the same. I'm afraid that is me, the piece that is always sacrificed for the stability of a trapezoid. A perpetual triangle.