half thought through, a third finished...

it's funny to realize when someone has lost faith in you. to realize everyone has lost faith in you. even funnier to realize you have lost faith in yourself. too many of my sentences begin with the condition " I used to..." or " I'm not usually like this but..." what happened? where along the way did I lose everything I used to be? I have my sneaking suspicions when it all begain. too long willingly giving myself away in pieces, to shore up those that never gave a fuck where the support came from. or even realized whose back they are consistently standing on. eventually there is a limit, or at least in my case, everything has run out. and now, when I need to give, there is nothing there. and most days I can't even bring myself to care.

but I am tired of dissapointing. of hearing that resignation in people's voices in reference to me. of feeling justified because after all, someone did it to me first. of constantly turning everything into something about me. and please, refrain from pointing out how that last statement directly contradicts the entire point of having an online journal. the irony hasn't escaped me.

I don't know how to rebuild people's faith, because I don't know how to rebuild myself. I'm not sure I even want to.

the twilight zone

here's how the conversation went:

you: you know, I'm thinking we should make the deadline christmas

me: really?

you: yeah, you know, just have there be nothing to do when we come back for christmas.

me: ok.

you: see my point? I mean we could finish next week and yay, but the deadline is december.

me: yeah, no, that makes total sense. I see your point.

how the conversation should have gone:

you: you know, I'm thinking we should make the deadline christmas.

me: are you completely fucking crazy? there is no fucking way. nutjob.

*sigh*

tradition

usually I only have my memories to toast on this day and a promise to keep. but, this year brings a double edged sword. something to make the memories achingly clear. so much so that I've lost myself a few times to the movie reel in my head.

to pupey: all the roads lead back to you. whether I want them to or not.

to the future and those that have one.

drink up.