what is the difference between cute and beautiful? what bridges the distance? what makes you define one way or the other? aesthetics? subjectivity? rules? how do you peel that label off your being? how do you affix the one you want?
how often do you realize that labels affect? I think we forget who is listening. I know I do.
It is amazing the degree of wanting that comes from letting yourself experience something. If you close yourself off, you still want it. But it is a manageable thing. A passing irritant. But once you break down, that's all there is. wanting. Is the problem that you broke down? Or that you purposely avoided it?
How do you reconcile fear that has been a foundation of your person since you were old enough to understand who you were, and what you were becoming? I don't know how to trust enough to open the avenue that things might not be ok.
As wrong as it sounds, I wish I could play god sometimes. Wish I could control things like the world was a whiteboard. Wish I could wipe people away with a paper towel. As if I know best. Because in this case, I do, and nothing you can say will convince me otherwise.
I want a day where there is no mention of her name. where I can pretend that she does not exist. that she has no bearing on my life, or yours. That, that particular stitch in time was never sewn. And I will have it if it kills me.
11.29.2004
11.16.2004
for the people who question my chipperness
apparently, as I have been told quite frequently lately, I'm not chipper enough here. Or well in general. And since I have no desire to fuck around with the in general part, I figured I would give it a whirl in here. As any good problem solver would, I'm going to try to define the problem before approaching the solutions. What exactly is chipper?
In lively spirits; cheerful.
One that chips or cuts: a wood chipper.
1. To chirp or twitter, as a bird.
2. To babble.
To chirp or chirrup.
adj : having a cheerful, lively, and self-confident air;
"looking chipper, like a man...diverted by his own wit"- Frances G. Patton
"life that is gay, brisk, and debonair"- H.M.Reynolds
"walked with a jaunty step";
"a jaunty optimist"
ok. let's take this step by step. "In lively spirits" Now I would argue that I fulfill this requirement quite well, relating it to the more traditional definition of spirits, i.e. alcohol. I try as often as possible to be in lively spirits. And I succeed. Great! "cheerful" this one is a little bit harder. and a little bit more vague, so let's break it down some more.
1. Being in good spirits; merry.
2. Promoting a feeling of cheer; pleasant: a cozy, cheerful room.
3. Reflecting willingness or good humor: contributed her cheerful labor to the project.
well lookee there, "being in good spirits, merry". or drunk if you will. check. "promoting a feeling of cheer; pleasant" whenever people are around me, they always seem to feel better about themselves. You know I can make anyone feel better about themselves, simply by affording them the knowledge that they aren't me. I'd say I have that down. "reflecting willingness or good humor" I have been known to eat those good humor chocolate eclairs while looking in a mirror and I've got the willingness down. I believe it is more commonly referred to as a chump and or sap in slang terms. So check.
let's see on to "one that chips or cuts" now I don't think this is entirely fair or applicable, but I'll be a good sport (see 'chump') it's a stretch but I have been known to deal a mean hand of poker and blackjack, lots of chips involved there. I eat chips. ooh! I also have chips on my shoulders. And I'm always chipping away at something, dedication I call it. As for the cutting, well I'm quite fond of saying "I'll cut you". So..check! "to chirp or twitter" hmm....a bit tougher. I inherited from my father the somewhat annoying habit of always making random noises, some of which could be classified as chirps and or twitters. So check. "to babble" I enter this entire blurty as proof of this claim. check! I'm gonna go ahead and lump "chirp or chirrup" in with "chirp or twitter" you agree with that right? right! so all taken care of. "having a cheerful, lively, and self-confident air" got the cheerful and got the lively already. self-confident.....I have been known to be afflicted with this at times, but it's not generally a permanent condition. "like a man...diverted by his own wit" I'm often, pretty much all the time to be exact, distracted by my own wit. "life that is gay, brisk, and debonair" um....do I really need to address this? Seems pretty self evident. check! "walked with a jaunty step" all my steps are jaunty!! for sure check! "a jaunty optimist" I'm an eternal optimist, much to my great disappointment. check!
there, an in-depth and concise argument that clearly outlines just how chipper I am. This should put all other disagreements to rest. A chipper entry in my blurty. no more lamenting ladies. Proof of my all around chipperness. feel free to apply the same method to yourself to ascertain your level of chipperness.
In lively spirits; cheerful.
One that chips or cuts: a wood chipper.
1. To chirp or twitter, as a bird.
2. To babble.
To chirp or chirrup.
adj : having a cheerful, lively, and self-confident air;
"looking chipper, like a man...diverted by his own wit"- Frances G. Patton
"life that is gay, brisk, and debonair"- H.M.Reynolds
"walked with a jaunty step";
"a jaunty optimist"
ok. let's take this step by step. "In lively spirits" Now I would argue that I fulfill this requirement quite well, relating it to the more traditional definition of spirits, i.e. alcohol. I try as often as possible to be in lively spirits. And I succeed. Great! "cheerful" this one is a little bit harder. and a little bit more vague, so let's break it down some more.
1. Being in good spirits; merry.
2. Promoting a feeling of cheer; pleasant: a cozy, cheerful room.
3. Reflecting willingness or good humor: contributed her cheerful labor to the project.
well lookee there, "being in good spirits, merry". or drunk if you will. check. "promoting a feeling of cheer; pleasant" whenever people are around me, they always seem to feel better about themselves. You know I can make anyone feel better about themselves, simply by affording them the knowledge that they aren't me. I'd say I have that down. "reflecting willingness or good humor" I have been known to eat those good humor chocolate eclairs while looking in a mirror and I've got the willingness down. I believe it is more commonly referred to as a chump and or sap in slang terms. So check.
let's see on to "one that chips or cuts" now I don't think this is entirely fair or applicable, but I'll be a good sport (see 'chump') it's a stretch but I have been known to deal a mean hand of poker and blackjack, lots of chips involved there. I eat chips. ooh! I also have chips on my shoulders. And I'm always chipping away at something, dedication I call it. As for the cutting, well I'm quite fond of saying "I'll cut you". So..check! "to chirp or twitter" hmm....a bit tougher. I inherited from my father the somewhat annoying habit of always making random noises, some of which could be classified as chirps and or twitters. So check. "to babble" I enter this entire blurty as proof of this claim. check! I'm gonna go ahead and lump "chirp or chirrup" in with "chirp or twitter" you agree with that right? right! so all taken care of. "having a cheerful, lively, and self-confident air" got the cheerful and got the lively already. self-confident.....I have been known to be afflicted with this at times, but it's not generally a permanent condition. "like a man...diverted by his own wit" I'm often, pretty much all the time to be exact, distracted by my own wit. "life that is gay, brisk, and debonair" um....do I really need to address this? Seems pretty self evident. check! "walked with a jaunty step" all my steps are jaunty!! for sure check! "a jaunty optimist" I'm an eternal optimist, much to my great disappointment. check!
there, an in-depth and concise argument that clearly outlines just how chipper I am. This should put all other disagreements to rest. A chipper entry in my blurty. no more lamenting ladies. Proof of my all around chipperness. feel free to apply the same method to yourself to ascertain your level of chipperness.
11.11.2004
time in a nutshell, a very vague nutshell
it's been a crazy four weeks. they say to begin at the beginning of long stories, but I haven't one, and I doubt very much an end is in sight. So bear with me as I muddle through the middle.
Anytime you get a group of people together there is going to be an odd one out, someone who doesn't quite fit. More often than not that person is going to be me. Whether I cultivate that role, or it is simply my lot, I have stopped trying to figure out. I believe it comes down to my personality. Watching other people's interactions. Some will grapple, rip, tear, and rend to clutch attention, whether it's everyone's or a certain core person's. I don't. And I have no desire to stand in the way of person who does. Even though it is well within my ability to do so. I dislike cliques. I learned my lesson on groups of people, especially women, the hard way. Several times over. I'm not going to force my presence, if you want to be a duo, trio, quad you can be one and I'll appear when it's time to be a group again. Same goes for if you want to be solitary. I also can't get in line with the circuitous communication. It makes the game of telephone look like a clear concise way to get your message across. All that being said, I have a tendency to act weird. It's something I'm quite upfront about, but it does lend itself to people dissecting my motives, when there are none.
I get tired of people's perceptions being laid on my shoulders, their conclusions constantly confronting me, no matter how I try to correct them. Their double-sidedness. the belief that everything about me is free game, but the same courtesy isn't afforded to me.
I witnessed someone recently proceeding down a path I am quite familiar with. One that nothing good can come from. If I had thought it would have been appreciated, accepted, or even if it would have done any bit of good, I would have sat them down and shared. Explained how I had already been down this road, and the only thing you end up with are broken hearts, severed relationships, and a blending so severe between love and hate that it takes years to sort it all out again, if you ever can.
That old saying, if you love something let it go? It's really true. You have to love someone enough to see them happy without you in their life. You have to love them enough to realize when you are nothing but detrimental. Because if you can't you're just trying to own them. manipulate them. And there is no room for that in a mature relationship. well, if healthy is what you're going for, at any rate. And healthy is probably the last thing you're thinking about. Cause the concept is probably foreign.
Spent a good majority of time saying goodbye to people. Fulfilling a pattern I unknowingly put in motion a long time ago. I don't know how to say goodbye anymore. Emotions really, play no part. It's pretty much right up there with death on my unnatural reaction scale. But it's starting to hit me now. Especially now. When I get the phone calls, and the awkwardness of adjusting to not being in each other's lives anymore. Feeling colder lately.
It's good to know that I still won't take things that are freely given. Still can't quit take that last step. nevermind that it might be put before me, solely for the purpose of my taking it. I like to know I haven't wised up yet. dense and consistent. and chicken. that's me.
It's frustrating for me to see people I care about continually make the same mistakes, choose over and over to surround themselves with the same kind of people. Every person has a history of encounters that has worn holes in their armor. Most tend to choose the same kinds of people that will reinforce the trauma left behind by others. Because it is what they know, what they expect. They wouldn't know what to do with someone who didn't fulfill those expectations. And no matter how apparent it is to me, that they continue this cycle, it isn't exactly like I can point it out to them. who wants to hear and believe that they reinforce every bad thing that has happened to them with every friend or partner they choose? I know I wouldn't want to hear it. especially since I would most likely already be aware of it. But patterns aren't so easy to change. I know I've been guilty of it before. Hell, I'm probably doing it right now. And that's just depressing. I wish it was a situation where I could speak freely. Or more to the point I wish it was a situation that words would magically make better.
Feeling constantly like a vagabond. I did not imagine my life like this. Then again that doesn't mean much since I didn't imagine my life at all. but still. I should have made other choices. But I did not. and it is too late for that now. Just really overwhelmed with wanting my time to be my own. Not feeling indebted or controlled by someone. The guilt and gratitude reach heights that I fear sometimes will drown me.
Karma is no joke. No matter how much I think I've repaid my misspent youth etc. I still get lovely reminders that it's not enough yet. Fitting really for a former punk to get rolled. The poetic justiceness of it all is really the icing on the cake. Especially since I'm most irked about the fact that I got rolled and not that they took my shit. Talk about a blow to the ego. I've gotten soft! and that just sucks.
Adjusting to a new city. Trying to adjust my life. Trying to fit when really I want to be somewhere else. Just trying.
Anytime you get a group of people together there is going to be an odd one out, someone who doesn't quite fit. More often than not that person is going to be me. Whether I cultivate that role, or it is simply my lot, I have stopped trying to figure out. I believe it comes down to my personality. Watching other people's interactions. Some will grapple, rip, tear, and rend to clutch attention, whether it's everyone's or a certain core person's. I don't. And I have no desire to stand in the way of person who does. Even though it is well within my ability to do so. I dislike cliques. I learned my lesson on groups of people, especially women, the hard way. Several times over. I'm not going to force my presence, if you want to be a duo, trio, quad you can be one and I'll appear when it's time to be a group again. Same goes for if you want to be solitary. I also can't get in line with the circuitous communication. It makes the game of telephone look like a clear concise way to get your message across. All that being said, I have a tendency to act weird. It's something I'm quite upfront about, but it does lend itself to people dissecting my motives, when there are none.
I get tired of people's perceptions being laid on my shoulders, their conclusions constantly confronting me, no matter how I try to correct them. Their double-sidedness. the belief that everything about me is free game, but the same courtesy isn't afforded to me.
I witnessed someone recently proceeding down a path I am quite familiar with. One that nothing good can come from. If I had thought it would have been appreciated, accepted, or even if it would have done any bit of good, I would have sat them down and shared. Explained how I had already been down this road, and the only thing you end up with are broken hearts, severed relationships, and a blending so severe between love and hate that it takes years to sort it all out again, if you ever can.
That old saying, if you love something let it go? It's really true. You have to love someone enough to see them happy without you in their life. You have to love them enough to realize when you are nothing but detrimental. Because if you can't you're just trying to own them. manipulate them. And there is no room for that in a mature relationship. well, if healthy is what you're going for, at any rate. And healthy is probably the last thing you're thinking about. Cause the concept is probably foreign.
Spent a good majority of time saying goodbye to people. Fulfilling a pattern I unknowingly put in motion a long time ago. I don't know how to say goodbye anymore. Emotions really, play no part. It's pretty much right up there with death on my unnatural reaction scale. But it's starting to hit me now. Especially now. When I get the phone calls, and the awkwardness of adjusting to not being in each other's lives anymore. Feeling colder lately.
It's good to know that I still won't take things that are freely given. Still can't quit take that last step. nevermind that it might be put before me, solely for the purpose of my taking it. I like to know I haven't wised up yet. dense and consistent. and chicken. that's me.
It's frustrating for me to see people I care about continually make the same mistakes, choose over and over to surround themselves with the same kind of people. Every person has a history of encounters that has worn holes in their armor. Most tend to choose the same kinds of people that will reinforce the trauma left behind by others. Because it is what they know, what they expect. They wouldn't know what to do with someone who didn't fulfill those expectations. And no matter how apparent it is to me, that they continue this cycle, it isn't exactly like I can point it out to them. who wants to hear and believe that they reinforce every bad thing that has happened to them with every friend or partner they choose? I know I wouldn't want to hear it. especially since I would most likely already be aware of it. But patterns aren't so easy to change. I know I've been guilty of it before. Hell, I'm probably doing it right now. And that's just depressing. I wish it was a situation where I could speak freely. Or more to the point I wish it was a situation that words would magically make better.
Feeling constantly like a vagabond. I did not imagine my life like this. Then again that doesn't mean much since I didn't imagine my life at all. but still. I should have made other choices. But I did not. and it is too late for that now. Just really overwhelmed with wanting my time to be my own. Not feeling indebted or controlled by someone. The guilt and gratitude reach heights that I fear sometimes will drown me.
Karma is no joke. No matter how much I think I've repaid my misspent youth etc. I still get lovely reminders that it's not enough yet. Fitting really for a former punk to get rolled. The poetic justiceness of it all is really the icing on the cake. Especially since I'm most irked about the fact that I got rolled and not that they took my shit. Talk about a blow to the ego. I've gotten soft! and that just sucks.
Adjusting to a new city. Trying to adjust my life. Trying to fit when really I want to be somewhere else. Just trying.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)