always words....

Gild wears away
shines begin to dull
rose tint fades to blue

there is an inevitableness
with infatuation
that I am well aware of,
but it hasn’t stopped me

from flinching
when the silences
get too long
when the urgency
begins to wane
when the goodbyes
cease to linger.

Knowing nothing lasts
hasn’t prepared me
for the finality
of the end.
*********************

Do I
take two steps
forward
or two steps
back?

I’ve reached
the ever present fork
in all my roads

One path
that will lead me
unerringly
straight,
despite the bumps
to you.

The other a switchback
that will
allow me
to retreat
gracefully,
without detection
from this
whatever
we’re doing.

I want
so much
to cut and run
from the
anxiety you bring,
the insecurities
you highlight,
the absolute
upheaval
your presence
manifests

but for the fact
that I love your voice
when I hear it
and I love your attention
when you give it
and I love pleasing you
when I finally manage it.

I love thinking
that you might want me
too

so it’s
one step forward
and
one step back
guaranteeing I’m
going nowhere
with you.

trick questions and problems

What the hell am I doing?

It’s taken me three hours to get past just reciting that question endlessly in my head.

I listen to other people and I begin to think maybe I see one of the problems causing me so much trouble. There is a distinct delineation that they have, a definition of lines they are sure to adhere to. Cut and dry and compact. Bold.

All my lines are blurring. I cannot define even if I were to use a metaphorical chisel.

I don’t believe in making something less than it is because it is not conventional. I use the buzz words without thinking, out of habit, and so people can understand a little of what I’m saying, when really the buzz words mean nothing to me. People are people to me, there are no lines, no definitions, no boxes that suit when it comes to them. And maybe that’s where the communication gets severed, where the synapses misfire, because some part of me yearns for that stability and when I cannot produce it I am thrown into utter mental mayhem.

Really I get hurt by the tiniest things. Never at all what you would expect. And, if I’m honest, never at all by what I would expect either. The trick is deciding when the hurt is justified. When is it concrete enough to be given voice to? The trick is not falling into established patterns. Not dissolving away, mired in confusion, knowing no more than I did to start with knowledge wise, just adding another notch to my hurt belt.

The trick is deciding what is that I’m doing. What it is that I want, and from who, and when. What I want to give.

The trick is saying all the things I have to say. Not tripping over my reticence. Not being restricted by my knowledge that it will just be used against me. Not regretting the things I know I will, though it is much too late for that, mostly. Not having this wall that always separates me from every single person in my life. Sometimes it is so transparent that I don’t even notice it’s there until I run smack dab into it at full tilt.

The trick is deciding to let fantasy go and concentrate on the real world. And not feeling that is conforming to ideals I don't believe in.

The problem is it was never a question of fantasy and real to me.

taking stock

I used to do this weekly list of things that I had learned. It was a practice with a few people I knew, and it was a pretty effective way to reflect on your life. We tend to take so much for granted, getting stuck on the crappy things, that we forget all the things that happen everyday that we gain from, whether they make us happy, or make us learn, or what have you. I thought it was a good time to get into that practice again. So in no particular order, here's what I learned last week.

1.) I missed laughing until I'm crying and can't breathe
2.) I haven't gained any more patience in gift giving
3.) I'm always going to forget something important I'm supposed to do
4.) I have some hang ups I wasn't at all aware of
5.) Some fantasies never leave you
6.) I am a sappy schmuck
7.) I love my sisters
8.) There is a duality to my life that I'm not certain I can ever get rid of
9.) I have so much I want to say, but never seem to be able to
10.) Confusion generally leads me to act like an ass

there. nothing profound. or even greatly interesting. but it's a good start.

another pointless entry

drewbuddy83 (8:36:44 PM): hey hey hey
Lethalstill (8:36:53 PM): fat albert
drewbuddy83 (8:37:03 PM): that would be me
Lethalstill (8:37:38 PM): oh yeah...the likeness is uncanny
drewbuddy83 (8:37:48 PM): yes that it is
Lethalstill (8:38:07 PM): your font changed. are you trying to be cool?
drewbuddy83 (8:38:11 PM): no
Lethalstill (8:38:35 PM): fruit loop
drewbuddy83 (8:38:44 PM): lesbian flakes
Lethalstill (8:38:47 PM): lol
Lethalstill (8:38:57 PM): that still makes me laugh uncontrollably
drewbuddy83 (8:39:07 PM): well yeah it would
Lethalstill (8:39:21 PM): you say that like there is a big underlying reason
drewbuddy83 (8:39:23 PM): cuz lesbians love cereal
Lethalstill (8:39:24 PM): is there?
Lethalstill (8:39:30 PM): what? I had no idea
drewbuddy83 (8:39:34 PM): oh yeah
Lethalstill (8:39:38 PM): is there a handbook or something?
drewbuddy83 (8:39:40 PM): it's a proven fact
drewbuddy83 (8:39:47 PM): yeah they just did a study on it
Lethalstill (8:40:02 PM): well shit. I need to keep up with the studies
drewbuddy83 (8:40:02 PM): lesbians that love cereal too much
Lethalstill (8:40:05 PM): lol
Lethalstill (8:40:13 PM): tragic
drewbuddy83 (8:40:20 PM): it's interesting
drewbuddy83 (8:40:49 PM): i don't like this
Lethalstill (8:41:03 PM): what this? the color box?
drewbuddy83 (8:41:12 PM): the lesbian story
drewbuddy83 (8:41:16 PM): it just doesn't wash
Lethalstill (8:41:27 PM): ahh...how come?
drewbuddy83 (8:41:46 PM): i mean who's to say that lesbians are incontrollable when it comes to cereal?
drewbuddy83 (8:42:29 PM): like it's so wonderfulllllllllllllllllllllllll
Lethalstill (8:42:38 PM): well true...science does have that sort of inevitable feel to it. I think it was just a bunch of weirdos who where more interested in the other things lesbians eat
drewbuddy83 (8:42:54 PM): sounds feasable
Lethalstill (8:42:56 PM): were? where? what has happened to english?
drewbuddy83 (8:43:08 PM): huh?
Lethalstill (8:43:25 PM): I was having a typo dilemma. disregard
drewbuddy83 (8:43:42 PM): ahhhhhh
drewbuddy83 (8:43:43 PM): ok
Lethalstill (8:43:46 PM): so what have you been doing?
drewbuddy83 (8:43:53 PM): relaxing
drewbuddy83 (8:43:55 PM): sleeping
Lethalstill (8:44:07 PM): cool
Lethalstill (8:44:28 PM): those are good things to be doing
drewbuddy83 (8:44:33 PM): yes
drewbuddy83 (8:44:36 PM): in excess
drewbuddy83 (8:44:52 PM): two can have a party
Lethalstill (8:45:27 PM): or inxs. two can have a party....but three can have an orgy. no wait three can have a threesome and four can have an orgy?
drewbuddy83 (8:45:37 PM): yes
drewbuddy83 (8:45:40 PM): fuck inxs
drewbuddy83 (8:45:44 PM): i never liked them
drewbuddy83 (8:45:56 PM): i didn't like anybody from the 80's......except whitesnake and madonna
Lethalstill (8:46:11 PM): lol. stick to your convictions.
drewbuddy83 (8:46:24 PM): convictions convections.....it's the same
drewbuddy83 (8:46:35 PM): i had an incredible urge to shake when i typed the latter
drewbuddy83 (8:46:58 PM): if i warn you what will happen?
Lethalstill (8:47:01 PM): I can see...I have a subtle urge to shake when I read it
Lethalstill (8:47:24 PM): if you warn me, I'll do it anyway.
drewbuddy83 (8:47:45 PM): all it said was that you're up to 5%
Lethalstill (8:47:56 PM): ohh..you fuck! now people will think I'm 5% closer to being a child molestor
drewbuddy83 (8:47:59 PM): that does nothing
drewbuddy83 (8:48:11 PM): i was about to do it again
drewbuddy83 (8:48:25 PM): does it do anything on your side?
Lethalstill (8:48:55 PM): how come your at 20%? what the fuck have you been doing? does it do anything when you warn me on my side is that what you mean?
drewbuddy83 (8:49:10 PM): yeah
drewbuddy83 (8:49:16 PM): does it go away ever?
Lethalstill (8:49:32 PM): yeah a big ass window pops up and tells me I'm being scary and then yes it goes away
drewbuddy83 (8:49:59 PM): hmmmmmm i wonder what will happen if it gets to 100 perciento
drewbuddy83 (8:50:05 PM): drewbuddy83 has invited you to a game of dnL Checkers. Do you Accept?
Lethalstill (8:51:34 PM): I think you can't talk to that person anymore...or anyone ever again. and then the aol police come and get you and you are never seen again
drewbuddy83 (8:51:42 PM): ahhhhh
drewbuddy83 (8:51:45 PM): makes sense
Lethalstill (8:51:47 PM): I bet this takes the rest of my natural life to load.
drewbuddy83 (8:51:51 PM): wow
drewbuddy83 (8:52:00 PM): all my thing has been saying is waiting for you to accept
Lethalstill (8:52:13 PM): I accepted....now some shit is loading
drewbuddy83 (8:52:17 PM): hmmmmm
Lethalstill (8:52:40 PM): everything will work out
drewbuddy83 (8:53:20 PM): ok well i'm gonna quit in a sec cuz i don't want to be waiting forever
Lethalstill (8:54:14 PM): ok..be that way
drewbuddy83 (8:54:30 PM): ok that was horrible
drewbuddy83 (8:54:32 PM): fuck aol
Lethalstill (8:55:06 PM): I'm still loading
Lethalstill (8:55:07 PM): lolol
drewbuddy83 (8:55:21 PM): play with yourself.....(something you're used to)
drewbuddy83 (8:55:56 PM): don't enter text.....just keep typing
Lethalstill (8:55:59 PM): rarr! hiss! retract your claws. I know you've got that bottle of lotion under your bed
drewbuddy83 (8:56:11 PM): haha.......mmmmmm no
drewbuddy83 (8:56:34 PM): you must have me confused with molly safer
Lethalstill (8:57:07 PM): no. I wouldn't confuse molly with anyone
drewbuddy83 (8:58:01 PM): hahaha
drewbuddy83 (8:58:05 PM): good girl
drewbuddy83 (8:58:18 PM): ok so ...... i think i've got to go get ready now
drewbuddy83 (8:58:25 PM): you know what saturday is don't you?
Lethalstill (8:58:41 PM): the 20th?
drewbuddy83 (8:58:45 PM): EXACTLY
Lethalstill (8:58:55 PM): go me. what do I win?
drewbuddy83 (8:58:57 PM): happy 25cents
drewbuddy83 (8:59:12 PM): a quota
Lethalstill (9:00:15 PM): sweer! is there a significance to saturday...in the park...I think it was March 20th? or did you just have a quarter to give away?

drewbuddy83 (9:00:22 PM): both
Lethalstill (9:00:40 PM): well learn me the significance
drewbuddy83 (9:00:48 PM): adls;fj ouhsjk
drewbuddy83 (9:00:53 PM): a;lwel hvkh'adf
drewbuddy83 (9:00:58 PM): ajk;d ds;afgx ;jmnr xh;a z;
drewbuddy83 (9:01:03 PM): a;slditub saognfslgasfhlasjlsajklsajuadsg alsj as gs
drewbuddy83 (9:01:06 PM): A>Kfh FHSJKhfJKFbdzhsgflksgjldfs jgdfsdfgs g ads
drewbuddy83 (9:01:11 PM): as;djfhajk halsjsaljfads';j agjl ajsh ahg ajdglal a s
drewbuddy83 (9:01:24 PM): ah;adjsj aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadsad

l;fhj alsdj ldjasjf jadsl;kj hzhcjnyl jio [ae8ys #$55e aljtdrz8ug os8zy gw4h;ahdjs p9yeraw;ighasrg zs
drewbuddy83 (9:01:30 PM): aosdfhj ahjsflasdjf ajgklj iozfh ae'rgjajgajl ;hadsfhakdsal asfkhjggj gj gj dg gafdkhadfffffffffffffffffffff
drewbuddy83 (9:01:33 PM): ok
drewbuddy83 (9:01:50 PM): now what that means is that saturday is the first day of spring.....and everyone all was quiet.....
drewbuddy83 (9:01:59 PM): not even a meow from a cat
drewbuddy83 (9:02:11 PM): was stirring
Lethalstill (9:02:31 PM): the mouse was stoned, and stockings were pulled over faces for crimes!
Lethalstill (9:02:35 PM): the best time of year
drewbuddy83 (9:02:59 PM): yes that it was
drewbuddy83 (9:03:35 PM): mich mummy shut the door
Lethalstill (9:03:41 PM): too bad it's snowing
drewbuddy83 (9:03:49 PM): yes
drewbuddy83 (9:03:58 PM): well it's still winter
drewbuddy83 (9:04:02 PM): not spring yet hunny
Lethalstill (9:04:03 PM): we should sled on the first day of spring
drewbuddy83 (9:04:20 PM): i think we should plant flowers in rosemary's garden
Lethalstill (9:04:44 PM): that sounds SEX-ual.
drewbuddy83 (9:05:06 PM): you would think that
drewbuddy83 (9:05:10 PM): but it's not
Lethalstill (9:05:28 PM): does rosemary have to know about it?
drewbuddy83 (9:05:33 PM): no
Lethalstill (9:05:38 PM): ok, then I'm in
drewbuddy83 (9:05:42 PM): k
drewbuddy83 (9:05:45 PM): here's the plan
drewbuddy83 (9:05:48 PM): i'll type in code
drewbuddy83 (9:05:49 PM): a;odsfj lkgjcfx'hj
drewbuddy83 (9:05:51 PM): l l;jlr;dj
drewbuddy83 (9:05:55 PM): THEN.......lskfjg seorj cshj a
drewbuddy83 (9:05:58 PM): jlxj
drewbuddy83 (9:06:03 PM): and she'll NEVER KNOW
drewbuddy83 (9:06:06 PM): mwhaaaaaaaa
Lethalstill (9:06:29 PM): kwdnf ofmqv ijdnq[en!
drewbuddy83 (9:06:34 PM): I KNOW
drewbuddy83 (9:06:41 PM): don't type in english!
drewbuddy83 (9:06:47 PM): you stupid little cunt!
Lethalstill (9:07:19 PM): ok..I'm a lot of things...
Lethalstill (9:07:25 PM): but I'm not little.
drewbuddy83 (9:07:29 PM): hahaha
drewbuddy83 (9:07:30 PM): ok
drewbuddy83 (9:07:39 PM): so are we on for rosemary's garden?
Lethalstill (9:07:44 PM): sure.
Lethalstill (9:07:47 PM): I mean
Lethalstill (9:07:48 PM): sopjdfgvn
drewbuddy83 (9:07:54 PM): fgjz
drewbuddy83 (9:08:03 PM): i like how that sounds
drewbuddy83 (9:08:05 PM): fgjz
Lethalstill (9:08:22 PM): I like it to
Lethalstill (9:08:26 PM): let's be friends
drewbuddy83 (9:08:31 PM): ok
drewbuddy83 (9:08:36 PM): what's ur name?
Lethalstill (9:08:49 PM): arianna
Lethalstill (9:08:52 PM): you?
drewbuddy83 (9:08:53 PM): loc?
drewbuddy83 (9:09:03 PM): matt
Lethalstill (9:09:06 PM): arizona.
drewbuddy83 (9:09:10 PM): ok........
Lethalstill (9:09:11 PM): you?
drewbuddy83 (9:09:17 PM): i didn't realize where this was going until now
drewbuddy83 (9:09:23 PM): and we're DONE with that
drewbuddy83 (9:09:34 PM): so i'm taking a full load next semester
Lethalstill (9:09:52 PM): lol
Lethalstill (9:09:59 PM): really what classes?
drewbuddy83 (9:10:17 PM): i've got 3 at Washtenaw and 1 and Schoolcraft
Lethalstill (9:10:32 PM): what at schoolcraft?
drewbuddy83 (9:10:35 PM): Polish
Lethalstill (9:10:46 PM): sweer
Lethalstill (9:10:48 PM): !
drewbuddy83 (9:11:07 PM): well i gotta find out some more INFO.....
drewbuddy83 (9:11:11 PM): but that's the plan
Lethalstill (9:11:44 PM): neatorific
drewbuddy83 (9:11:45 PM): and when i go to MSU i'm gonna take an African language
drewbuddy83 (9:11:55 PM): i'm thinking swahili,...... but there are a lot
drewbuddy83 (9:11:59 PM): to choose from
Lethalstill (9:12:32 PM): true
drewbuddy83 (9:12:55 PM): although i REALLY HATE michigan......i think i'm gonna stay around
drewbuddy83 (9:13:08 PM): could be the wrong decision
drewbuddy83 (9:13:13 PM): but oh well
Lethalstill (9:13:38 PM): like forever?
drewbuddy83 (9:13:47 PM): no no no no
Lethalstill (9:14:13 PM): ah...
drewbuddy83 (9:14:19 PM): i don't like the 8% by your name
drewbuddy83 (9:14:30 PM): tho i guess i've got a fucking 20% by mine
Lethalstill (9:14:39 PM): I don't like the 20 by yours...damn beat me to it
drewbuddy83 (9:14:52 PM): yeah cuz you had trouble getting up the stairs
Lethalstill (9:15:00 PM): you know what you can do?
drewbuddy83 (9:15:05 PM): lick me
Lethalstill (9:15:21 PM): you can? you're talented. no wonder you don't need lotion
drewbuddy83 (9:15:28 PM): your wierd
drewbuddy83 (9:15:53 PM): ok well......i gotta get ready and everything
Lethalstill (9:15:58 PM): ok
drewbuddy83 (9:16:08 PM): so.......
Lethalstill (9:16:13 PM): got a lot of outfits to try on before your date
drewbuddy83 (9:16:22 PM): i'll meet you in three rivers when the sun hits the earth
drewbuddy83 (9:16:26 PM): yes
Lethalstill (9:16:40 PM): great
Lethalstill (9:16:45 PM): see you there
drewbuddy83 (9:16:47 PM): will you be there?
drewbuddy83 (9:16:48 PM): ok
Lethalstill (9:17:12 PM): are you confused?
Lethalstill (9:17:16 PM): cause I am
drewbuddy83 (9:17:17 PM): no
drewbuddy83 (9:17:22 PM): you would be
Lethalstill (9:17:26 PM): hmmm
Lethalstill (9:17:28 PM): fuck off
drewbuddy83 (9:17:31 PM): benny wenny wenny man
Lethalstill (9:17:38 PM): I'm violent.
Lethalstill (9:17:41 PM): not benny
Lethalstill (9:17:52 PM): oh my god!
Lethalstill (9:17:55 PM): go!....
drewbuddy83 (9:17:57 PM): awwww i was JUST thinking about that earlier....cuz i was watching saved by the bell
Lethalstill (9:18:00 PM): lol
drewbuddy83 (9:18:11 PM): and sammy and violet were together
drewbuddy83 (9:18:22 PM): so i guess i'm with
drewbuddy83 (9:18:23 PM): ....
Lethalstill (9:18:26 PM): I'll keep talking at you. especially about saved by the bell
drewbuddy83 (9:18:29 PM): what was the other one
drewbuddy83 (9:18:37 PM): henry benny violet
drewbuddy83 (9:18:48 PM): and i REALLY cant think of the other
drewbuddy83 (9:18:53 PM): jessica?
Lethalstill (9:19:02 PM): that's what I'm thinking
drewbuddy83 (9:19:03 PM): jesse?
drewbuddy83 (9:19:05 PM): i don't know
drewbuddy83 (9:19:15 PM): ok......so i'm leaving on that note
drewbuddy83 (9:19:25 PM): i'm sure i'll run into you sometime soon
Lethalstill (9:19:33 PM): ok. I'll stalk you to be sure
Lethalstill (9:19:35 PM): have fun
drewbuddy83 (9:19:38 PM): you too
Lethalstill (9:19:38 PM): bye boo
drewbuddy83 (9:19:41 PM): boo be gone

it's that time again

Another year has passed. And it's now time to honor my promise to a lovely lass named Bernie. Toasts away.

To itsy: I think of you more than you would imagine. Hope your path has wandered into the light. This rum's for you.

To red: Here's to love. May this time be right for you. A pint is raised to the future, may our's continue to intertwine.

To the nut: How did we end up together? How do we not kill each other? A fruity drink to you, you have more courage in being yourself than I have ever been privy to. Kudos.

To the fab four: Time doesn't heal a damn thing. A shot for each of you, your absence probably does me better than your presence ever did.

To Tesia, Julyna, and Susan: Knowing you on the "outside" has brought me some of the greatest joy. A bottle of red for all the good times.

To frick and frack: You pull me in totally opposite directions, but towards the same goal. Here's to opening my mind to fantasy again. Gin and tonic.

until next year.

a peek into my perception

if you told me the sky was blue, I would not believe you. Even though I can see it clearly for myself.

Most days I've lulled myself into a state of normality, where I function as if I were not slightly tainted by insanity. I make friends. I do work. I create things. I love, I hate, I live my life. I forget my armor, I forget my weak spots, I forget my history. Until I wake up one day and remember I'm insane, that I don't get to experience things without a haze around them. It's a bit like being blindsided with a roundhouse kick to the head.

I have a little voice in my head that questions everything everyone says, everything that everyone does. What's their motive? What is it they really mean? What kind of game are they playing? It's like a poison inside my brain that twists and turns and mutilates, until I can no more trust my senses, than I could drive a car blindfolded.

Have you ever put someone's glasses on, and immediately your world became a distorted sort of fun house mirror, that made you whip the glasses off and clutch your head? Made your eyes itch and your head ache? That's a little bit how things are for me all the time. Or how they feel. You walk around with your hand outstretched trying to reconcile the glasses perception with your natural eyesight. You can't trust anything.

And it's times like these that I can feel the instinct to flee, rearing it's ugly head. I would like to run away. Let everything fall by the wayside, except for the things that I cannot get rid of. And wait for me to forget again, what I was running from. Wanting all the people gone...even though I know I'll start the cycle all over again in a year or so. It's a pointless exercise. One I know better than to do. One I know I won't. But that doesn't stop the desire to make things easy.

I'll wait a little while and this will pass. It's just that...

I'd like to believe the sky is blue.

one new and one old

It’s amazing how
the years
can pass
line your face,
thin your skin,
sprinkle your hair
with tints of grey

but
you still manage
to cling
to your emotions
like a child
tight-fisted
red-faced
tantrums.

Life has
shorted you
at every turn,

Treated you
so very unkind,

and it’s everyone’s
fault
but your own

so before
you can take
the breath
to argue
with me

Let me answer
all your refutations
and save you
the trouble

Are too.
Are too.
Are too.

********************

silently
I sit
still
unmoving
letting you cry on my shoulder
knowing if I were to make a move
to comfort you
rigid, you would turn
I long to reassure
all the fairy tales you’ve been told;
but anger and sorrow
are bitter medicine to take
and a spoonful of sugar
only serves to coat the truth
in sticky lies and sweet nothings
that will leave you emptier
than you are now
no
there is nothing I can do
but be
silent
still
unmoving
your rock to crash against.

manipulate

You have finally
figured out
you have the
power
to make me chase you

the shoe's on
the other foot
and
I’m not so dishonest
as to admit
I’m not enjoying it.

So I’ll follow
your bread crumb trail
baby
I’ll jump through
all your hoops

Cause once
you let me
catch you

There’ll
be no time
for the games
you’re delighting
in playing

I’m gonna occupy all
your time
proving who
the real winner is.

wouldn't you like to know

This path is
strangely familiar,
quite like one
I’ve traveled before

while the situations
are similar
the feelings have
evolved

There are no
desperate words
whispered
this time,
no stars on my
ceiling,
no late night
calls from new york,
no soul that
needs saving,

no muse for me
personified.

I don’t know
anymore
about love
than I did then

only that

it’s not
the path that changes,
nor the
journey,
but the person
walking it.

compulsion

You’re a blue flame
in my dreams,
hot and ethereal
I’m always
scorching my hand
trying to
hold you the longest

like some cosmic
dare

I know
I should stay away
but every
scar and open wound
convinces me
I just have to be
more retardant
never that
you should
hurt me less

where do you begin? where do I end?

Headlights
illuminate
two harsh circles of light
in the night

this two lane
country road
twists and turns
under my navigation

I’ve been
flying past
this scenery
more and more
each week
drawn to you
by a history
too steeped
in time
to be anything but
sepia toned

Each minute
binds us
tighter together

strand upon strand

until
the line
between
loving and smothering
blurs
beyond distinction

I can’t remember
a time you
weren’t there
and I can’t imagine
a future
that doesn’t
include you

When it comes
time to leave
once more

Will the strings snap
or merely bend?

Will I remember
how to
stand alone
again?