call it what you like, just make sure you call it

took to drinking
this evening

put "something"
on loop playback
loud as the speakers
and landlord
allow

grabbed this pen
and paper
to try to articulate
what I would
rather forget

it's odd to miss
what you never
really had

running so
hot and cold
I don't know
what to do with myself

let alone
what I must
be doing to you

I'd give you
what you want

if I only knew what you wanted

if I knew how.

all this rhetoric
'bout time
and change
rings just as hollow
from this side
of the bottle

cause time has passed
and things have changed
and I'm still here

something in the way you move
something in the way you know
something in the things you show me
something in your voice

I keep wondering
if it's enough

sure thing
the answers aren't
in a song
in a bottle
or on this notepad

but they're all I've got
tonight.

bang your head

all over the place today. listlessness, anger, resentment, bit of depression, and a pounding head are all combining to make it hard to focus on something other than myself. which is never good.

I don't enjoy conciliatory or pacifistic behaviour coming from third party players. It is more energy I have to expend to assure them I'm quite fine. no matter that I'm not, and that there is nothing wrong with that.

comprehend this: it is ok to not be fine.

nothing can change it. even consolation prizes. I keep thinking I'll get used to this. but I never do. and it makes me despise emotions all over again, and their brittle constitution. and optimism, which is responsible for each throb of my head I am sure.

too many people have a say in my life, and they want it to suit them, on their terms, on their timeline. feeling over-exposed. I want some time to figure things out without people watching me. call it cowardice, call it fear, call it whatever you'd like. I still want it. and I'm beginning to doubt that I'll ever get it.

it would be nice to curl up in the dark, with the music loud, by myself, miserable. until it passes. but I don't have that option. at least not for a couple days.

so I'm stuck. all over the place.