pointless entry

If we hadn't already been seen in the same place, at the same time; I would think we were the same person.

night_rom (12:40:15 PM): I can see you
drewbuddy_01 (12:40:21 PM): ah hahahaha
night_rom (12:40:38 PM): quit diddling yourself
drewbuddy_01 (12:40:54 PM): ah hahaha
drewbuddy_01 (12:41:00 PM): those are all in nancy voices too
night_rom (12:41:05 PM): lol. I fugured.
night_rom (12:41:09 PM): figured too
night_rom (12:41:19 PM): what's the scoop naughty nancy?
drewbuddy_01 (12:41:35 PM): not a whole lot
drewbuddy_01 (12:41:42 PM): i ended up sleeping until 8 this morning
night_rom (12:42:42 PM): well sleep is good. do you feel refreshed?
drewbuddy_01 (12:42:51 PM): yeah i guess
drewbuddy_01 (12:43:08 PM): i feel rested but just feel lazy and uncoordinated on how i should spend the day
night_rom (12:43:38 PM): you should come spend it with me.
drewbuddy_01 (12:43:44 PM): oh no
drewbuddy_01 (12:43:48 PM): i feel for that one before
drewbuddy_01 (12:43:51 PM): fell
night_rom (12:43:51 PM): lol
night_rom (12:44:01 PM): feel...freudian slip
night_rom (12:44:05 PM): you want me to grope you
drewbuddy_01 (12:44:27 PM): then u drug me up and dress me up like raggedy ann and take pictures of me and put them up on the web
drewbuddy_01 (12:44:39 PM): i know that kitchen of yours
night_rom (12:44:45 PM): yeah, but. I cut you in to the profits
drewbuddy_01 (12:44:49 PM): i could tell that was me in ur kitchen
night_rom (12:45:06 PM): it was you, but who was raggedy andy? lololol
drewbuddy_01 (12:45:21 PM): i don't think i have to say
drewbuddy_01 (12:45:25 PM): you know
night_rom (12:45:52 PM): ummm..no john
night_rom (12:46:16 PM): and nana says no too.
drewbuddy_01 (12:46:25 PM): ok
drewbuddy_01 (12:46:48 PM): i do have some homework to do
drewbuddy_01 (12:46:57 PM): i really want to get that done this weekend
night_rom (12:47:13 PM): yeah? so you don't want me to come and kidnap you then
night_rom (12:47:14 PM): ?
drewbuddy_01 (12:47:29 PM): um
drewbuddy_01 (12:47:37 PM): i think i broke my neck
night_rom (12:47:42 PM): lol
drewbuddy_01 (12:47:43 PM): i can't move it
night_rom (12:48:08 PM): I told you if your going to go down on that many guys to support your neck, when are you going to start listening to me?
drewbuddy_01 (12:48:17 PM): you;re right
drewbuddy_01 (12:48:18 PM): no so
drewbuddy_01 (12:48:35 PM): i was thinking about staying here tonite and then going to Jackson tomorrow
drewbuddy_01 (12:48:46 PM): do you want to come over to my house?
night_rom (12:49:06 PM): do you mean today? or tomorrow?
drewbuddy_01 (12:49:38 PM): today
drewbuddy_01 (12:50:01 PM): i was thinking i want to clean my house today and stay here and then sunday morning grab an Ann Arbor News and go to Jackson
night_rom (12:50:54 PM): I would love to come to your house today, but I have to go drop my car off to mikki.
drewbuddy_01 (12:51:00 PM): oh right
drewbuddy_01 (12:51:06 PM): well
drewbuddy_01 (12:51:11 PM): if you wanted some company
drewbuddy_01 (12:51:29 PM): call an escort service cuz i ain't goin anywhere NEAR you
night_rom (12:51:42 PM): lol. that was mean. but very funny
drewbuddy_01 (12:51:45 PM):
drewbuddy_01 (12:51:48 PM): ok
drewbuddy_01 (12:51:50 PM): well
night_rom (12:51:52 PM): and probably true
drewbuddy_01 (12:51:58 PM): let me get my horse and i'll be there in a few
night_rom (12:52:04 PM): <---- slooooow
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:04 PM): >)
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:06 PM): whoa
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:08 PM): hold on
night_rom (12:52:10 PM): lol
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:13 PM): >)
night_rom (12:52:14 PM):
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:16 PM): damn it
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:18 PM): thank you
night_rom (12:52:22 PM): ur welcome
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:22 PM): >)
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:27 PM): what is it again?
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:29 PM): >)
night_rom (12:52:32 PM): < ) : )
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:40 PM):
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:50 PM): i could have SWORN that i was doing that the whole time
night_rom (12:52:58 PM): uh huh
drewbuddy_01 (12:53:08 PM): well look at my things
drewbuddy_01 (12:53:16 PM): oh i was hitting the wrong one
drewbuddy_01 (12:53:21 PM): whoopse daisys
night_rom (12:53:22 PM): > <
night_rom (12:53:26 PM): eek
night_rom (12:53:30 PM): anyhoo.
night_rom (12:53:34 PM): hoo hoo
drewbuddy_01 (12:53:35 PM): suffering sucatsh
drewbuddy_01 (12:53:35 PM): ash
night_rom (12:53:36 PM): lol
drewbuddy_01 (12:53:42 PM): ok
drewbuddy_01 (12:53:45 PM): so when you going to
drewbuddy_01 (12:53:49 PM): Sturgis?
night_rom (12:54:01 PM): I don't know. the folks have already left.
drewbuddy_01 (12:54:05 PM): oh
drewbuddy_01 (12:54:10 PM): so your place is free then?
night_rom (12:54:14 PM): yeah
drewbuddy_01 (12:54:14 PM): ahhhhhhhhhh hahaha
night_rom (12:54:17 PM): PARTY!!!
drewbuddy_01 (12:54:18 PM): in nancy voice as well
drewbuddy_01 (12:54:37 PM): wow! while you clap and scream it at the top of your lungs
drewbuddy_01 (12:54:55 PM): as we go around the loop in front of p.j.r.h.
night_rom (12:55:06 PM): I'm alWAsy clapping and screaming. was gonna cum kidnap you and make you come too.
drewbuddy_01 (12:55:07 PM): ok ok ok
drewbuddy_01 (12:55:20 PM): do you want to come kidnap me ?
night_rom (12:55:36 PM): sure, but if you've got shit to do, you've got shit to do.
drewbuddy_01 (12:55:47 PM): well i can hold off and rearrange my plans
drewbuddy_01 (12:55:59 PM): but do you want to come out this way just to go back down 12?
drewbuddy_01 (12:56:05 PM): the other way?
night_rom (12:56:36 PM): lol. it don't matter to me. I was saving you some gas. but if you want to trundle the black bundle (don't ask me) this way, that rocks too
drewbuddy_01 (12:56:54 PM): well i would like to save gas but i don't want you to waste yours
drewbuddy_01 (12:57:15 PM): i'm trying to think if there is a place i could maybe meet you?
night_rom (12:57:15 PM): yeah, but...I don't pay for mine. I can fill you up some if you want to swing my way shorty
drewbuddy_01 (12:57:20 PM): and drop off my truck
drewbuddy_01 (12:57:30 PM): well you decide
drewbuddy_01 (12:57:32 PM): i'll be here
night_rom (12:57:34 PM): lol
night_rom (12:57:49 PM): tick tock....(that's me thinking
night_rom (12:57:51 PM): )
drewbuddy_01 (12:57:54 PM): ahhhh
drewbuddy_01 (12:57:59 PM): did you forget the question?
night_rom (12:58:01 PM): yes
drewbuddy_01 (12:58:05 PM): in nancy voice as well
drewbuddy_01 (12:58:07 PM): me too
night_rom (12:58:10 PM): ok...so
night_rom (12:58:43 PM): you come here. and I'll fill you up. I have to fill up my car too. well, wait....can you even come here? does you have enough gas?
drewbuddy_01 (12:58:55 PM): i has enough gas
night_rom (12:58:59 PM): lol
night_rom (12:59:10 PM): for some reason that strikes me as funny
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:15 PM): yeah well
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:16 PM): not me
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:18 PM): so
night_rom (12:59:21 PM): fuck odd
night_rom (12:59:24 PM): I mean
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:25 PM): fuck even
night_rom (12:59:26 PM): fuck off
night_rom (12:59:33 PM): and fuck on too
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:39 PM): fuck off
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:41 PM): clap clap
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:43 PM): fuck on
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:44 PM): clap clap
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:51 PM): fuck on fuck off the fucker
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:53 PM): clap clap
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:01 PM): ooooh
night_rom (1:00:04 PM): omg! that hilarious. lol. ok...so for real. is that agreeable to you.
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:09 PM): isnt' that how you get the clap too?
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:14 PM): yes
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:15 PM): so
night_rom (1:00:16 PM): avoid the clap
night_rom (1:00:19 PM): jimmy dugan
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:21 PM): jimmy dugan
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:23 PM): HAHA
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:24 PM): ok
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:28 PM): so i'll get my shit together
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:31 PM): to get her
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:35 PM): and i'll be on my way
night_rom (1:01:01 PM): that's really creepy: to get her : together. ick.
night_rom (1:01:04 PM): ok.
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:06 PM): i know
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:12 PM): i dont' know who came up with that word
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:13 PM): but.....
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:14 PM): ok
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:24 PM): i'll see you in like an hour
night_rom (1:01:37 PM): ok! drive extra insane and get here quick.
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:41 PM): ok
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:46 PM): you're such a tit
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:51 PM): always thinking of my well being
night_rom (1:01:51 PM): :)
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:55 PM): :)
night_rom (1:01:55 PM): al wa sy
drewbuddy_01 (1:02:01 PM): i've been there
drewbuddy_01 (1:02:05 PM): it's up north near flint
drewbuddy_01 (1:02:08 PM): ok ok opk
night_rom (1:02:08 PM): lol
drewbuddy_01 (1:02:12 PM): opk
night_rom (1:02:13 PM): kikikik
drewbuddy_01 (1:02:16 PM): kik
drewbuddy_01 (1:02:17 PM): asl
drewbuddy_01 (1:02:20 PM): i'm on my way
drewbuddy_01 (1:02:21 PM): good bye
night_rom (1:02:25 PM): bye boo

I don't know what the hell I'm talking about OR Metaphors kick my ass....again.

Life is akin to a puzzle. All the pieces are scattered about, you have to search for the right ones. Come up with a system to go about assembling them. And sometimes things don't go as planned. Pieces get lost, or chewed, or mixed with other puzzles.

When you're born, your puzzle begins. I figure you start out with the framework. The first step to putting together a puzzle is creating the edges. You have your boundaries and it's the meat of the puzzle that's scattered, left for you to figure out.

For me, I was lucky to receive some pretty big pieces early on. Pieces that fit, that aren't going anywhere. It's the other pieces that are giving me trouble. In really complex puzzles you sometimes fit a piece into a space that seems perfect. You want to put it there, but the fit is just a little off, you want to make it fit, but it's just a little loose, or the lines don't quite match. These "almost" pieces are the ones that have caused me so much grief. I don't think I'm alone in my intense desire to finish my puzzle. So, I leave the almost pieces in place with the ignorant hope that magically they will mould themselves to fit. Disregarding the coming frustration of losing those pieces, of seeing holes where I thought I had none.

It's interesting watching people try to fit into my life. The turning of every which way. The sliding of edges, trying to force because you want to fit so bad. The snicking snap when finally grooves and contours adhere. The heavy warm weight I fell when I know I've found another piece.

The commitment of time, the trial and error, the coming back time and time again; these are the great things about puzzles and life.

words that are not my own

Intention to Escape from Him

I think I will learn some beautiful language, useless for commercial
Purposes, work hard at that.
I think I will learn the Latin name of every songbird,
not only in America but wherever they sing.
(Shun meditation, though; invite the controversial;
Is the world flat? Do bats eat cats?) By digging
hard I might deflect that river, my mind, that
uncontrollable thing,
Turgid and yellow, strong to overflow its banks in spring, carrying
away bridges;
A bed of pebbles now, through which there trickles one clear
narrow stream, following a course henceforth nefast--

Dig, dig; and if I come to ledges, blast.


-E. St. Vincent Millay

tapping on the glass

It weird to know you are reading this, yes you, whoever you are. It's weird to know you are reading what's supposed to be the inner most workings of my mind, when you really don't know who I am. You don't know that I had my first kiss (I'm talking tongue here) in second grade with a kid named Ryan Smith, who's real name was Christopher Ryan Smith, but he got too many pooh jokes, so "just ryan". Or that I learned the way of manipulating someone's affections shortly after that when I bribed a kid named joel (who was quite attractive for a second grader) with a gigantic sugar cookie with m&m's in it to be my boyfriend. Or that my teacher was Hawaiian and that I thought she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen (I had a thing for older women even then). You don't know that I have a blue velvet pillow that I have had ever since I can remember being cognizant, and that I don't like to sleep without it. You don't know that I played Lady MacBeth in fourth grade, and that I had an affinity for her, madness speaks to madness. Or that my first illicit beer was an extremely old can of Old Milwaukee pilfered from my best friends pantry. It made him literally sick and me disgusted. I was something like 8 or 9 years old. Or that I used to make suicides in a Detroit Lions football shaped thermos that I brought to school in 6th grade. Or that Kevin Soules exposed himself to me on the playground in a game of truth or dare, I wasn't fazed. He told me the next day that he and Tyler thought I was the coolest girl around because I didn't "freak out" like other girls would have. I didn't have the heart to tell him how much I wasn't just like other girls. You don't know that I had my first joint on the back deck of my friend Joelle's aunt's house. It was the dead of winter, there had been an incredible ice storm and everything was covered in a sheet of ice about two inches thick. We huddled outside in night clothes getting stoned. You don't know that I was sent to the school social worker because some teacher thought I was going to commit suicide, or that it wasn't the first nor the last time I would have to reassure other people that I wasn't going to off myself. You don't know that a teacher once told me I was stupid and that I was going to hell. Hurray for public education. Or that I went to more funerals than parties in high school. Or that my friend John made a bet with me that I would get my eyebrow pierced if he got his nipple done. That I fulfilled the bet in some sub basement in Toronto, right before a show at the Pantages Theatre, we were all dressed to the nines. Or that my friend Erin held my hand, because I hated needles. And that it didn't hurt, I just wanted to hold her hand. You don't know that I fell in love with a tiny minnesotan girl who tortured me until it hurt just to look at her. Or that the most peaceful sleep I have ever had was in a small single bed in Ireland where a girl named Stacey (whose bed it was) cuddled up to me and raked her fingers up and down my back until I fell asleep. Or that my friends and I were once the floor show at a bondage club. Or that I've been to the Sex Museum in Amsterdam three times, and it's not even worth the price of admission once. Or that I was kicked out of a sex shop in Dublin. Or that my favorite food is green olives (yes I know it's abnormal).

If you've read this far, I admire your tenacity. You're probably asking yourself why you should care about all the useless crap I have made you read, and I can only tell you that that's the kind of stuff that interests me about people. The random memories that combined to make your past, to make you you. So, obviously I can't force you do anything, but how about you leave me a little tidbit about you? Some little something from your past, and leave your intials so I have some idea of who you are. Whenever you read this, whether it be tomorrow or a month, or a year from now. Leave a little something. Thank you.

you know what?

I give up.

I'm going to wear a sign that says "Impossible".

I was going to go into how I feel there must be something fundamentally wrong with me, and that I'm childish and I hate being childish, and how I hate not knowing where I stand and so on and so forth so there could be a record of the sad inner workings of my head and my heart, but fuck it. Impossible says it all.

I am impossible. Anything to do with me is impossible.

welcome to the we love elisa fan club

Just a little taste of what elisa means to us. I accept full responsibility should there be any repercussions. See elisa? I told you, you're sweet!


bludreamscape: lol so let me see... all you need is that web cam now lol
night_rom: *sigh* elisa the big bully, will send me one I'm sure. the woman doesn't accept no
bludreamscape: lol no kidding
xenaholic2000: no she won't
bludreamscape: though if she sent me one i'd point the thing at some pic of some hot chickie
xenaholic2000: at least she didn't talk you into flying halfway across the country lol
night_rom: I'm not sure I can get them over my head anymore anyway. just be able to make a nice bridge like arch. and lol. it hasn't occured to her yet where I might be useful or she would ****
xenaholic2000: to hit on one of your best friendss
xenaholic2000: lol
bludreamscape: lol
xenaholic2000: just let me know if she decides it's kansas
night_rom: why? so you can get out of dodge? no fair warning. lol
bludreamscape: lol
xenaholic2000: no so i can arrange to be *in* dodge
xenaholic2000: well Lawrence... Dodge is out west
night_rom: true.
bludreamscape: i can't believe she talked you into flying that far to hit one someone..... that woman is good..... evil though...... now if we put her power towards good rather than evil......
night_rom: well it isn't just to hit in someone, it's bard con too
xenaholic2000: yeah both
night_rom: she's very efficient that way
xenaholic2000: i have no clue how she did that
night_rom: lol
night_rom: she's a catalyst.
bludreamscape: lol
bludreamscape: its quite amazing
night_rom: and very charismatic. no wonder she had no trouble with the women before emily
xenaholic2000: she's amazing
xenaholic2000: yeah no doubt
bludreamscape: lucky devil
xenaholic2000: i wanna meet Emily 'cause she's got to be one hell of a woman
bludreamscape: no kiddin
night_rom: I hoep she is. elisa deserves the best.
night_rom: hope too
xenaholic2000: yeah she does
night_rom: she'd turn bright red if she knew we were having this conversation, lol
xenaholic2000: yep
bludreamscape: lol
night_rom: lol. finally something to use on her!
bludreamscape: lol
xenaholic2000: yep
bludreamscape: you need anything you can get
xenaholic2000: yep
night_rom: I certainly do.
bludreamscape: i know she keeps talking me into things
too... drives me crazy and i can't help it
xenaholic2000: same... i do all sorts of things i wouldn't do otherwise
bludreamscape: "hey Deb, strip nakkid and run to mexico" - "Sure elisa that sounds like a great idea"
night_rom: lol
night_rom: !
night_rom: only she'd probably say, run to seattle. lol
bludreamscape: lol prolly
xenaholic2000: yeah she probably would
bludreamscape: and then she can make you believe that it was your idea in the first place
xenaholic2000: exactly
night_rom: I want to post this part of the conversation in my blurty. lol.
bludreamscape: lol
xenaholic2000: lol i don't mind
night_rom: yeah? do you blu?
bludreamscape: go for it, it's your head on the platter
bludreamscape: hell no
night_rom: sweet! I can take it
bludreamscape: lol sure you say that when she isn't around
night_rom: I told her earlier that it was my turn to get her. heh heh.
bludreamscape: LOL
xenaholic2000: lol she'll probably just send you more stuff
night_rom: yeah, you're right
night_rom: I can't win
bludreamscape: lol
night_rom: but I'm still gonna try


****(I hear seattle is nice!)

channeling Millay

I had had a poem to rework for here, but turns out I hate it. So just some bits and peices. Followed up with prose.



it's nice
to be reminded
that I'm wanted

even better
to be reminded
that I'm needed

It's been forever
since you told me
you love me

and too long
since I've shown
you the same

**************

did you know that you make my stomach churn? I knew someone once who gave me butterflies, the result is very much the same, but the reasons are so different. I'm forever in fear of being unmasked. found out for a fraud. whispered about, the word being spread, that for all my gilded words, I am nothing but fools gold. did you know that you fill me with uncertainty? that I step forward, then step back, then forward, then back. you make me wonder about life and love and what you're doing at any given minute; what anybody is doing at any given minute, and why I am doing nothing given any minute. did you know that you spark jealousy in me (which I must confess is not hard)? which turns everything I think into barbs, that get stuck in the soft tissues, of my head making it hard to understand, of my heart making it hard to feel, of my mouth making it hard to speak, of my hands making it hard to touch you without hurting you too. In my eyes making it hard to see the truth. did you know that I think you play me for a fool? and that I don't care? (most days) but that today I did. did you know that you inhabit my dreams? that in them you tell me it's ok, and that I wish you wouldn't? did you know I sat outside once in the cold, for two hours, after being with you? trying to understand what I was doing, what you were doing, and that any conclusion I came to was laughable?

did you know that I'm going to regret writing this? but that I'm going to send it anyway?

did you know that I'm going to send this to everyone I know, put it everywhere I can, in the hopes that maybe someone has some idea of what it all means?

and can tell me.

duty and guilt

Jenn is moving to Vegas. She wants me to go with her. Her lease is up in June so she's decided she is going to spend the summer with me, if I'm still here, and convince me to go with her. I'm thinking of letting her convince me.

But man, Kathy and Lola* loose in Vegas? That is such a bad idea. God knows I love her, I really do, but I would want to kill her after not too long. She's just too much and I'm not, at least not in that way. I'm the queen of melodrama, I'll admit it. But Jenn is the epitome of drama, she exhales it like carbon dioxide, suffocating everything within a five foot radius. She's loud and unapologetic, she makes the worst decisions on who to sleep with, and I'm forever picking up the pieces. I'm not painting a very lovely picture of her, but all the things I have mentioned are all reasons why I do love her. And she for some reason has stuck to me for three years despite our mutual bad decisions in the friend department, probably because she's just as fucked in the head as I am.

and matt is pressuring me to move to san francisco. all the time. right now even as I type he is mapping out how I can make the move and afford my bills and live in the mission. *sigh*

So really the problem is, why does everyone else see merit in my future and I don't? All the answers to that question I really don't like.



*kathy and lola are alter egos.

what my mind does when I'm trying to sleep

you say
your bed is too large and
quite empty
I say
my bed is too small and
quite full

we could reach
a comfortable compromise
if you'd let me
fill
the empty spaces

in your life
in your bed
in you.

words

I’m passing
through the days
like yesterday’s newspaper
quickly and without interest
taking note
of all the things
I should have done
***************
wants
needs
lies
actions
feelings
are all like
raindrops on a
window
separate at the point of impact
but eventually run altogether
or maybe
better like the snowflakes
falling in my present background
each one is
individual, distinctive
but they all
look the same
from afar

and like snowflakes
when I go
to catch them
in my hand
to better understand
I’m left with
a puddle of water
and my inherent confusion

I’m beginning
to despair
ever getting it right.

I’m beginning
to despise
the snow.

instead of these infantile words
to go with my infantile emotions
that would be better served
with my ire.
**************************
Could you
keep firmly in mind
that I told you
from the beginning
that I wasn’t worth it?
Cause this house
of cards
we’re building
is bound to collapse
from our sighs
(yours long suffering, mine in resignation)
I’d like to save you
from as much debris
as I can

Believe it or not
I grow tired
of the hurt
I leave behind
in my wake
that easily
could be avoided
if my warnings
had been heeded.

I’d spare you
all that my acquaintance
brings
if I thought
I could.

So
when you’re cursing me
for a liar
or a cheat
or whatever you think fits
just remember
who swore it first.