It seems destined that I'll return to this thing every few months. I would have more to say if I ever lifted my head from this trench I've ensconed myself in. But even I would be disgusted with myself if I spent my time filling this little form with drama induced misery day after day. I figure a proper angst filled "my life sucks" no hope update every couple of months is enough.
I had thought that I had left behind the need to live in a fantasy land years ago, but I find myself stepping back into it with both feet. My life is filled with strangers and I've just added a few more. Perhaps the lesson will be better learned after this fiasco wreaks out the emotional havoc. But more than likely not. At least I'm consistent.
I've been too long away from people I love. And each day that I'm stuck in this perpetual circle of nothingness my hatred for the phone grows, even as I'm more and more dependant on it. I'd like to feel the warmth of my friends and loved ones, I'm so excited for this weekend because I'll be staying with boo and I know that at least for the weekend I'll be ok. Everything inside will calm down and I won't feel so cold all the time.
Talked to my friend Jenn last night. She tried to get me to run away to Las Vegas. Or maybe it was me trying to get her to run away to Las Vegas, regardless the idea was appealing. It seems I'm not the only one suffering from the scattering effect, or the catatonic inducing fear of life in general as it is "right now".
Everyone I talk to is so helpful. Everyone that I know goes out of their way to help me in whatever fashion they can, whether it be offers of money, food, a place to live, or just encouraging words. And I hate it. I hate it because I'm such a fuck. I think about all the people who don't have this kind of help, who don't have even an eighth of this help. And I get even more frustrated with myself because I'm allowed to wallow in this pit, I'm allowed to take this time and just fuck up. I allow myself this time by living in absolute denial and lack of action. And everyone else allows me this time as well. And for all their kind words and gentle pats, I just want to scream that "no, everything isn't going to be ok". Even when I have no right to be that oblivious and spoiled. Hopefully I'll get my ass kicked soon and go back to being the less pathetic individual I'm sure I used to be. Before something drastic happens. And hopefully when I'm in a position to offer my hand the way so many have been offered to me, I won't be so self involved as to ignore it.
I've fulfilled my quota for whining and then some. So it's back to a stupor for me. I've been feeling pretty prolific lately (go figure) so most likely I'll be adding some more drivel I refer to as poetry here.