sometimes I end up doing the right thing, making the right decision.
and it feels so good. After living my life leaving a fucked up wake behind. It's even better knowing that no one but me will know I made the right decision, there will be no recognition, no pat on the back, just a light almost airless feeling to the weight that usually rests on my shoulders. It's a sweet feeling that I hope to remember, cause I know it won't last long. But finally, finally, maybe my emotions are catching up to the matured rest of me.
sometimes I find myself thinking of using this forum to garner results. To get pity, or affirmation, to toy with outcomes and perceptions. To poke where I should not. sometimes I find myself wanting to pander to an audience, whether real or imagined. Wanting to orchestrate a drama, to evoke, to provoke.
Thankfully I haven't. But the desire is disconcerting. I don't want to change the content of what I put here. I don't want to be influenced by outside means. I don't want to want a response. Oh, but I do.
None of this has any bearing on anything really. Just something that has been on my mind. Something that surprised me. All in the all, the point is, I feel really good. And I hardly ever use this to say that.
It's friday. Do something that makes you feel good.