the contents of my head

sometimes I end up doing the right thing, making the right decision.

and it feels so good. After living my life leaving a fucked up wake behind. It's even better knowing that no one but me will know I made the right decision, there will be no recognition, no pat on the back, just a light almost airless feeling to the weight that usually rests on my shoulders. It's a sweet feeling that I hope to remember, cause I know it won't last long. But finally, finally, maybe my emotions are catching up to the matured rest of me.

sometimes I find myself thinking of using this forum to garner results. To get pity, or affirmation, to toy with outcomes and perceptions. To poke where I should not. sometimes I find myself wanting to pander to an audience, whether real or imagined. Wanting to orchestrate a drama, to evoke, to provoke.

Thankfully I haven't. But the desire is disconcerting. I don't want to change the content of what I put here. I don't want to be influenced by outside means. I don't want to want a response. Oh, but I do.

None of this has any bearing on anything really. Just something that has been on my mind. Something that surprised me. All in the all, the point is, I feel really good. And I hardly ever use this to say that.

It's friday. Do something that makes you feel good.


Anonymous said...

This is great. I am glad your day was wonderful and your shoulders are lighter... very nifty!

Anonymous said...

I suppose all that matters is that you know. It’s your shoulder and back that the burden would sit on. But I’ll give you a pat on the back anyway… and I won’t even use it as an excuse to touch you. My question is: Isn’t it really impossible *not* to be influenced by outside factors… the mere fact that your thoughts are available to the public would ensure that. Maybe by trying *not* to be influenced you end up going too far in the other direction… For example, if you ask me not to think about an elephant, you better believe that I am picturing Dumbo.