to just about everyone I know...

Somebody asked me, wouldn’t it be nice to have a rewind button for life? And initially I would say yes. There are tons of things that I could have done differently, better, or not at all. But after having sat here, confronted with some of my decisions, I say no. I would not want a rewind button. I have done the things I have done. Made the decisions I have made. Said the things I have said. Because that was who I was then, I did what I did as best as I was capable of. It’s quite often not pretty, or likeable, or even admirable. But it was all me, without the supposed magical gift of hindsight. So I claim my regrets gladly, knowingly and will continue on.

Acceptance, however, does not preclude wishing things had been different. That is the nature of regret. Idly, at least once a day, I envision a world that is not shrouded in secrecy and intrigue, and varying levels of trust. I can indulge in such nonsense in my head, because while the reality of such a thing would frighten me beyond belief, the idea is theoretically perfect. I would not have to wonder when I was treading too heavily, I would not have to worry about the things you are saying to other people, that you feel you cannot say to me. I would not have to carefully pick over my actions bit by bit to piece together which one caused which problem. Ideally…perfect. But in reality, no one is strong enough for that kind of disclosure. Not even me, even though I want it. I want it despite the hurt, because, perhaps mistakenly, I figure it has got to be better than the wondering.

I can sit here and say all the things I have been holding back. I can sit here and say that I want to listen to you, no matter what is in your head. I can sit here and say that I am sorry for hurting you. And none of it matters, if you are not listening. If you are not willing to believe me.

Now. If I could just take these words to heart, just as much as I would urge you too. Everything would be ideal.


Anonymous said...

How can one open to another that much? The heart is a tricky organ and it is strong and yet so incredibly weak.

I agree I would not want to go and change a thing, I am here because of those past issues, good bad or indiffrent, life has brought me here. And that may not be the case if we had rewind, that in itself would be dissappointing.

Don't live by regret, there is nothing to regret, learn and move on is my motto. And in the end you *may be wrong, it may not be that we are not listening as much as it may be that we are thinking and protecting ourselves from some unknown pain that may lurk just out of site. Hurt by nature is not purposely caused, but can be reflection of situations and facts in life. Hence nothing one can do about it, other then hopefully continue to learn.

The words are very much taken to heart and I hope for that ideal world, it would be a wonderful place, may we find it together.

Anonymous said...

Disclosure. You're right, no one is strong enough to full disclosure, but it can be a goal. I don't think that with a friend you should ever have to feel as if you have to walk on egg shells or second guess your actions. I'm sure that he/she understands your choices and words more than you think.

Regret. You're right. To change anything I would change who I am. And while sometimes I would be all for that, I wouldn't want to risk the experiences and people that have come into my life because of my chosen path.

So, I have a feeling you'd be surprised just how much people do take words you say to heart. How could we not when you are so willing to share them and your popsicles with us?