bang your head

all over the place today. listlessness, anger, resentment, bit of depression, and a pounding head are all combining to make it hard to focus on something other than myself. which is never good.

I don't enjoy conciliatory or pacifistic behaviour coming from third party players. It is more energy I have to expend to assure them I'm quite fine. no matter that I'm not, and that there is nothing wrong with that.

comprehend this: it is ok to not be fine.

nothing can change it. even consolation prizes. I keep thinking I'll get used to this. but I never do. and it makes me despise emotions all over again, and their brittle constitution. and optimism, which is responsible for each throb of my head I am sure.

too many people have a say in my life, and they want it to suit them, on their terms, on their timeline. feeling over-exposed. I want some time to figure things out without people watching me. call it cowardice, call it fear, call it whatever you'd like. I still want it. and I'm beginning to doubt that I'll ever get it.

it would be nice to curl up in the dark, with the music loud, by myself, miserable. until it passes. but I don't have that option. at least not for a couple days.

so I'm stuck. all over the place.


Anonymous said...

hmmm...sounds like time for change. something only you can force, 'cause change comes from within ones self, otherwise we are just reacting to what is placed in front of us. find your own path, drive through it as loudly or quietly as you like. good luck.

losing chase said...

change has nothing to do with this. it's more an inevitable recurring circumstance. so no amount of change is going to matter.

surprisingly change isn't always the magical catch all answer.

Anonymous said...

physical be one thing...but some of that is ones self...that can be changed...so i guess we disagree.

losing chase said...

I'd agree with your assessment, but the unnamed thing in this situation isn't affected by change. unless you would like for me to simply change my emotions. like deciding that being punched in the stomach wouldn't really hurt, if you just changed your outlook.

but my dear, us disagreeing is commonplace. I think I'd be more frightened if we did agree. besides diversity makes things interesting.