all over the place today. listlessness, anger, resentment, bit of depression, and a pounding head are all combining to make it hard to focus on something other than myself. which is never good.
I don't enjoy conciliatory or pacifistic behaviour coming from third party players. It is more energy I have to expend to assure them I'm quite fine. no matter that I'm not, and that there is nothing wrong with that.
comprehend this: it is ok to not be fine.
nothing can change it. even consolation prizes. I keep thinking I'll get used to this. but I never do. and it makes me despise emotions all over again, and their brittle constitution. and optimism, which is responsible for each throb of my head I am sure.
too many people have a say in my life, and they want it to suit them, on their terms, on their timeline. feeling over-exposed. I want some time to figure things out without people watching me. call it cowardice, call it fear, call it whatever you'd like. I still want it. and I'm beginning to doubt that I'll ever get it.
it would be nice to curl up in the dark, with the music loud, by myself, miserable. until it passes. but I don't have that option. at least not for a couple days.
so I'm stuck. all over the place.