I have been reluctant to write because I have been afraid of what the words will say. things have been dark, and avoiding it seems better than making a record. and there are only so many times you can say the same things to the same people before you get tired of speaking and they get tired of hearing. for better or worse I'm ok for now, for whatever reason. which is ironic given the state that my friend is in.
if something doesn't change soon I'm not going to be around much longer.
the words are somewhat innocuous taken out of context. it's the context that worries me. I find myself in a position where I truly don't know what to do. I have my beliefs that I've always stayed strongly aligned to, wherein each person is entitled to do with their life whatever they wish, the obvious caveats aside. and then there is the selfish part of me that wants to tell anyone that might be able to help, to break all the rules, lay in wait, call every 10 minutes or so; anything that might affect the outcome in my favor, no matter the betrayal. after all, I'm no stranger to betrayal, especially in this game we've been playing.
it bothers me when he says I love you, now. I can feel him trying to say goodbye, even when he knows there are no sufficient words to make the point. trying to wrap us up. he agreed we'd talk tomorrow, last night. and he only said goodnight. but I don't know if that makes me worry more or less. I keep waiting for the phone to ring. keep waiting for the last bits to crumble around me. keep waiting for the month of may to keep outdoing itself for the crappiest month of every year.
we always seem to come out intact. and this isn't the first time I've doubted that outcome. it is however the first time I've doubted my role in it all.