my song part III

Dreams, I have dreams when I'm awake when I'm asleep
And you, you are in my Dreams
You're underneath my skin, how am I so weak

How long, can you hold your breath?
Can you count to ten, can you let it pass?
To keep, can you keep it in?
Keep it behind lashes, can you make it last?

And now in my dreams, I can feel the way
I can just come clean

I keep it to myself, I know what it means
I can't have you, but I have dreams
Oh, I have dreams, I have dreams

Mind, can you read my mind?
Has it come undone, am I showin' signs?

I think I am finally getting it through my head. It's been months and months of pouring my heart out. Of not getting the answers I need. Of trying to take the advice of my closest confidants. If I cut away most of the emotional bramble clouding the issue, the thing left that is bothering me is: did I matter? And the hard truth is, in the asking of the question I already have my answer. No. I did not matter. I still do not matter. and so many times I let that go. This time, this time I am not willing to let it go. This time I am angry. To the point that I wish I had never met you. I wish I had never heard your name. I wish I could close my eyes and not see your image. And it's shocking me a little bit, the anger, because people who have hurt me before have never garnered the same emotion. I truly believe the experiences, good and bad, make you who you are and there is a lesson in them all. This time, I cannot find the grace to learn.

I cheerfully could have enjoyed the rest of my life without your unconcerned intrusion. but. thems the breaks and those are the choices that I made. I'm sure the anger will pass. but oh, the road is long and I'm just beginning to travel. and heaven help me, the nights are even longer.

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