11.11.2004

time in a nutshell, a very vague nutshell

it's been a crazy four weeks. they say to begin at the beginning of long stories, but I haven't one, and I doubt very much an end is in sight. So bear with me as I muddle through the middle.

Anytime you get a group of people together there is going to be an odd one out, someone who doesn't quite fit. More often than not that person is going to be me. Whether I cultivate that role, or it is simply my lot, I have stopped trying to figure out. I believe it comes down to my personality. Watching other people's interactions. Some will grapple, rip, tear, and rend to clutch attention, whether it's everyone's or a certain core person's. I don't. And I have no desire to stand in the way of person who does. Even though it is well within my ability to do so. I dislike cliques. I learned my lesson on groups of people, especially women, the hard way. Several times over. I'm not going to force my presence, if you want to be a duo, trio, quad you can be one and I'll appear when it's time to be a group again. Same goes for if you want to be solitary. I also can't get in line with the circuitous communication. It makes the game of telephone look like a clear concise way to get your message across. All that being said, I have a tendency to act weird. It's something I'm quite upfront about, but it does lend itself to people dissecting my motives, when there are none.

I get tired of people's perceptions being laid on my shoulders, their conclusions constantly confronting me, no matter how I try to correct them. Their double-sidedness. the belief that everything about me is free game, but the same courtesy isn't afforded to me.

I witnessed someone recently proceeding down a path I am quite familiar with. One that nothing good can come from. If I had thought it would have been appreciated, accepted, or even if it would have done any bit of good, I would have sat them down and shared. Explained how I had already been down this road, and the only thing you end up with are broken hearts, severed relationships, and a blending so severe between love and hate that it takes years to sort it all out again, if you ever can.

That old saying, if you love something let it go? It's really true. You have to love someone enough to see them happy without you in their life. You have to love them enough to realize when you are nothing but detrimental. Because if you can't you're just trying to own them. manipulate them. And there is no room for that in a mature relationship. well, if healthy is what you're going for, at any rate. And healthy is probably the last thing you're thinking about. Cause the concept is probably foreign.

Spent a good majority of time saying goodbye to people. Fulfilling a pattern I unknowingly put in motion a long time ago. I don't know how to say goodbye anymore. Emotions really, play no part. It's pretty much right up there with death on my unnatural reaction scale. But it's starting to hit me now. Especially now. When I get the phone calls, and the awkwardness of adjusting to not being in each other's lives anymore. Feeling colder lately.

It's good to know that I still won't take things that are freely given. Still can't quit take that last step. nevermind that it might be put before me, solely for the purpose of my taking it. I like to know I haven't wised up yet. dense and consistent. and chicken. that's me.

It's frustrating for me to see people I care about continually make the same mistakes, choose over and over to surround themselves with the same kind of people. Every person has a history of encounters that has worn holes in their armor. Most tend to choose the same kinds of people that will reinforce the trauma left behind by others. Because it is what they know, what they expect. They wouldn't know what to do with someone who didn't fulfill those expectations. And no matter how apparent it is to me, that they continue this cycle, it isn't exactly like I can point it out to them. who wants to hear and believe that they reinforce every bad thing that has happened to them with every friend or partner they choose? I know I wouldn't want to hear it. especially since I would most likely already be aware of it. But patterns aren't so easy to change. I know I've been guilty of it before. Hell, I'm probably doing it right now. And that's just depressing. I wish it was a situation where I could speak freely. Or more to the point I wish it was a situation that words would magically make better.

Feeling constantly like a vagabond. I did not imagine my life like this. Then again that doesn't mean much since I didn't imagine my life at all. but still. I should have made other choices. But I did not. and it is too late for that now. Just really overwhelmed with wanting my time to be my own. Not feeling indebted or controlled by someone. The guilt and gratitude reach heights that I fear sometimes will drown me.

Karma is no joke. No matter how much I think I've repaid my misspent youth etc. I still get lovely reminders that it's not enough yet. Fitting really for a former punk to get rolled. The poetic justiceness of it all is really the icing on the cake. Especially since I'm most irked about the fact that I got rolled and not that they took my shit. Talk about a blow to the ego. I've gotten soft! and that just sucks.


Adjusting to a new city. Trying to adjust my life. Trying to fit when really I want to be somewhere else. Just trying.

2 comments:

bludreamscape said...

I too know about wanting to be someplace else...

You make me wonder why people don't see that they're making the same mistakes... I know I for one can't seem to often enough.

Anonymous said...

Want...it seems to be an amazing word lately. I have no idea why you or your life is the way it is, but it is a wonderful non the less. It add to others whether you want to or not. I know as a fact. You may feel you do not fit in, the funny part is does anybody feel they do?

Come visit I could use another hug, bet you could to. I want.