channeling Millay

I had had a poem to rework for here, but turns out I hate it. So just some bits and peices. Followed up with prose.

it's nice
to be reminded
that I'm wanted

even better
to be reminded
that I'm needed

It's been forever
since you told me
you love me

and too long
since I've shown
you the same


did you know that you make my stomach churn? I knew someone once who gave me butterflies, the result is very much the same, but the reasons are so different. I'm forever in fear of being unmasked. found out for a fraud. whispered about, the word being spread, that for all my gilded words, I am nothing but fools gold. did you know that you fill me with uncertainty? that I step forward, then step back, then forward, then back. you make me wonder about life and love and what you're doing at any given minute; what anybody is doing at any given minute, and why I am doing nothing given any minute. did you know that you spark jealousy in me (which I must confess is not hard)? which turns everything I think into barbs, that get stuck in the soft tissues, of my head making it hard to understand, of my heart making it hard to feel, of my mouth making it hard to speak, of my hands making it hard to touch you without hurting you too. In my eyes making it hard to see the truth. did you know that I think you play me for a fool? and that I don't care? (most days) but that today I did. did you know that you inhabit my dreams? that in them you tell me it's ok, and that I wish you wouldn't? did you know I sat outside once in the cold, for two hours, after being with you? trying to understand what I was doing, what you were doing, and that any conclusion I came to was laughable?

did you know that I'm going to regret writing this? but that I'm going to send it anyway?

did you know that I'm going to send this to everyone I know, put it everywhere I can, in the hopes that maybe someone has some idea of what it all means?

and can tell me.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

This shows so much about you and the darkness, but see you left all this room available where the light came through and showed you that you can find peace. Peace you will find, I have no doubt in this. The prose was beautiful and I hope that you enjoyed seeing all those things, because I did. EH