always words....

Gild wears away
shines begin to dull
rose tint fades to blue

there is an inevitableness
with infatuation
that I am well aware of,
but it hasn’t stopped me

from flinching
when the silences
get too long
when the urgency
begins to wane
when the goodbyes
cease to linger.

Knowing nothing lasts
hasn’t prepared me
for the finality
of the end.
*********************

Do I
take two steps
forward
or two steps
back?

I’ve reached
the ever present fork
in all my roads

One path
that will lead me
unerringly
straight,
despite the bumps
to you.

The other a switchback
that will
allow me
to retreat
gracefully,
without detection
from this
whatever
we’re doing.

I want
so much
to cut and run
from the
anxiety you bring,
the insecurities
you highlight,
the absolute
upheaval
your presence
manifests

but for the fact
that I love your voice
when I hear it
and I love your attention
when you give it
and I love pleasing you
when I finally manage it.

I love thinking
that you might want me
too

so it’s
one step forward
and
one step back
guaranteeing I’m
going nowhere
with you.

trick questions and problems

What the hell am I doing?

It’s taken me three hours to get past just reciting that question endlessly in my head.

I listen to other people and I begin to think maybe I see one of the problems causing me so much trouble. There is a distinct delineation that they have, a definition of lines they are sure to adhere to. Cut and dry and compact. Bold.

All my lines are blurring. I cannot define even if I were to use a metaphorical chisel.

I don’t believe in making something less than it is because it is not conventional. I use the buzz words without thinking, out of habit, and so people can understand a little of what I’m saying, when really the buzz words mean nothing to me. People are people to me, there are no lines, no definitions, no boxes that suit when it comes to them. And maybe that’s where the communication gets severed, where the synapses misfire, because some part of me yearns for that stability and when I cannot produce it I am thrown into utter mental mayhem.

Really I get hurt by the tiniest things. Never at all what you would expect. And, if I’m honest, never at all by what I would expect either. The trick is deciding when the hurt is justified. When is it concrete enough to be given voice to? The trick is not falling into established patterns. Not dissolving away, mired in confusion, knowing no more than I did to start with knowledge wise, just adding another notch to my hurt belt.

The trick is deciding what is that I’m doing. What it is that I want, and from who, and when. What I want to give.

The trick is saying all the things I have to say. Not tripping over my reticence. Not being restricted by my knowledge that it will just be used against me. Not regretting the things I know I will, though it is much too late for that, mostly. Not having this wall that always separates me from every single person in my life. Sometimes it is so transparent that I don’t even notice it’s there until I run smack dab into it at full tilt.

The trick is deciding to let fantasy go and concentrate on the real world. And not feeling that is conforming to ideals I don't believe in.

The problem is it was never a question of fantasy and real to me.

taking stock

I used to do this weekly list of things that I had learned. It was a practice with a few people I knew, and it was a pretty effective way to reflect on your life. We tend to take so much for granted, getting stuck on the crappy things, that we forget all the things that happen everyday that we gain from, whether they make us happy, or make us learn, or what have you. I thought it was a good time to get into that practice again. So in no particular order, here's what I learned last week.

1.) I missed laughing until I'm crying and can't breathe
2.) I haven't gained any more patience in gift giving
3.) I'm always going to forget something important I'm supposed to do
4.) I have some hang ups I wasn't at all aware of
5.) Some fantasies never leave you
6.) I am a sappy schmuck
7.) I love my sisters
8.) There is a duality to my life that I'm not certain I can ever get rid of
9.) I have so much I want to say, but never seem to be able to
10.) Confusion generally leads me to act like an ass

there. nothing profound. or even greatly interesting. but it's a good start.

another pointless entry

drewbuddy83 (8:36:44 PM): hey hey hey
Lethalstill (8:36:53 PM): fat albert
drewbuddy83 (8:37:03 PM): that would be me
Lethalstill (8:37:38 PM): oh yeah...the likeness is uncanny
drewbuddy83 (8:37:48 PM): yes that it is
Lethalstill (8:38:07 PM): your font changed. are you trying to be cool?
drewbuddy83 (8:38:11 PM): no
Lethalstill (8:38:35 PM): fruit loop
drewbuddy83 (8:38:44 PM): lesbian flakes
Lethalstill (8:38:47 PM): lol
Lethalstill (8:38:57 PM): that still makes me laugh uncontrollably
drewbuddy83 (8:39:07 PM): well yeah it would
Lethalstill (8:39:21 PM): you say that like there is a big underlying reason
drewbuddy83 (8:39:23 PM): cuz lesbians love cereal
Lethalstill (8:39:24 PM): is there?
Lethalstill (8:39:30 PM): what? I had no idea
drewbuddy83 (8:39:34 PM): oh yeah
Lethalstill (8:39:38 PM): is there a handbook or something?
drewbuddy83 (8:39:40 PM): it's a proven fact
drewbuddy83 (8:39:47 PM): yeah they just did a study on it
Lethalstill (8:40:02 PM): well shit. I need to keep up with the studies
drewbuddy83 (8:40:02 PM): lesbians that love cereal too much
Lethalstill (8:40:05 PM): lol
Lethalstill (8:40:13 PM): tragic
drewbuddy83 (8:40:20 PM): it's interesting
drewbuddy83 (8:40:49 PM): i don't like this
Lethalstill (8:41:03 PM): what this? the color box?
drewbuddy83 (8:41:12 PM): the lesbian story
drewbuddy83 (8:41:16 PM): it just doesn't wash
Lethalstill (8:41:27 PM): ahh...how come?
drewbuddy83 (8:41:46 PM): i mean who's to say that lesbians are incontrollable when it comes to cereal?
drewbuddy83 (8:42:29 PM): like it's so wonderfulllllllllllllllllllllllll
Lethalstill (8:42:38 PM): well true...science does have that sort of inevitable feel to it. I think it was just a bunch of weirdos who where more interested in the other things lesbians eat
drewbuddy83 (8:42:54 PM): sounds feasable
Lethalstill (8:42:56 PM): were? where? what has happened to english?
drewbuddy83 (8:43:08 PM): huh?
Lethalstill (8:43:25 PM): I was having a typo dilemma. disregard
drewbuddy83 (8:43:42 PM): ahhhhhh
drewbuddy83 (8:43:43 PM): ok
Lethalstill (8:43:46 PM): so what have you been doing?
drewbuddy83 (8:43:53 PM): relaxing
drewbuddy83 (8:43:55 PM): sleeping
Lethalstill (8:44:07 PM): cool
Lethalstill (8:44:28 PM): those are good things to be doing
drewbuddy83 (8:44:33 PM): yes
drewbuddy83 (8:44:36 PM): in excess
drewbuddy83 (8:44:52 PM): two can have a party
Lethalstill (8:45:27 PM): or inxs. two can have a party....but three can have an orgy. no wait three can have a threesome and four can have an orgy?
drewbuddy83 (8:45:37 PM): yes
drewbuddy83 (8:45:40 PM): fuck inxs
drewbuddy83 (8:45:44 PM): i never liked them
drewbuddy83 (8:45:56 PM): i didn't like anybody from the 80's......except whitesnake and madonna
Lethalstill (8:46:11 PM): lol. stick to your convictions.
drewbuddy83 (8:46:24 PM): convictions convections.....it's the same
drewbuddy83 (8:46:35 PM): i had an incredible urge to shake when i typed the latter
drewbuddy83 (8:46:58 PM): if i warn you what will happen?
Lethalstill (8:47:01 PM): I can see...I have a subtle urge to shake when I read it
Lethalstill (8:47:24 PM): if you warn me, I'll do it anyway.
drewbuddy83 (8:47:45 PM): all it said was that you're up to 5%
Lethalstill (8:47:56 PM): ohh..you fuck! now people will think I'm 5% closer to being a child molestor
drewbuddy83 (8:47:59 PM): that does nothing
drewbuddy83 (8:48:11 PM): i was about to do it again
drewbuddy83 (8:48:25 PM): does it do anything on your side?
Lethalstill (8:48:55 PM): how come your at 20%? what the fuck have you been doing? does it do anything when you warn me on my side is that what you mean?
drewbuddy83 (8:49:10 PM): yeah
drewbuddy83 (8:49:16 PM): does it go away ever?
Lethalstill (8:49:32 PM): yeah a big ass window pops up and tells me I'm being scary and then yes it goes away
drewbuddy83 (8:49:59 PM): hmmmmmm i wonder what will happen if it gets to 100 perciento
drewbuddy83 (8:50:05 PM): drewbuddy83 has invited you to a game of dnL Checkers. Do you Accept?
Lethalstill (8:51:34 PM): I think you can't talk to that person anymore...or anyone ever again. and then the aol police come and get you and you are never seen again
drewbuddy83 (8:51:42 PM): ahhhhh
drewbuddy83 (8:51:45 PM): makes sense
Lethalstill (8:51:47 PM): I bet this takes the rest of my natural life to load.
drewbuddy83 (8:51:51 PM): wow
drewbuddy83 (8:52:00 PM): all my thing has been saying is waiting for you to accept
Lethalstill (8:52:13 PM): I accepted....now some shit is loading
drewbuddy83 (8:52:17 PM): hmmmmm
Lethalstill (8:52:40 PM): everything will work out
drewbuddy83 (8:53:20 PM): ok well i'm gonna quit in a sec cuz i don't want to be waiting forever
Lethalstill (8:54:14 PM): ok..be that way
drewbuddy83 (8:54:30 PM): ok that was horrible
drewbuddy83 (8:54:32 PM): fuck aol
Lethalstill (8:55:06 PM): I'm still loading
Lethalstill (8:55:07 PM): lolol
drewbuddy83 (8:55:21 PM): play with yourself.....(something you're used to)
drewbuddy83 (8:55:56 PM): don't enter text.....just keep typing
Lethalstill (8:55:59 PM): rarr! hiss! retract your claws. I know you've got that bottle of lotion under your bed
drewbuddy83 (8:56:11 PM): haha.......mmmmmm no
drewbuddy83 (8:56:34 PM): you must have me confused with molly safer
Lethalstill (8:57:07 PM): no. I wouldn't confuse molly with anyone
drewbuddy83 (8:58:01 PM): hahaha
drewbuddy83 (8:58:05 PM): good girl
drewbuddy83 (8:58:18 PM): ok so ...... i think i've got to go get ready now
drewbuddy83 (8:58:25 PM): you know what saturday is don't you?
Lethalstill (8:58:41 PM): the 20th?
drewbuddy83 (8:58:45 PM): EXACTLY
Lethalstill (8:58:55 PM): go me. what do I win?
drewbuddy83 (8:58:57 PM): happy 25cents
drewbuddy83 (8:59:12 PM): a quota
Lethalstill (9:00:15 PM): sweer! is there a significance to saturday...in the park...I think it was March 20th? or did you just have a quarter to give away?

drewbuddy83 (9:00:22 PM): both
Lethalstill (9:00:40 PM): well learn me the significance
drewbuddy83 (9:00:48 PM): adls;fj ouhsjk
drewbuddy83 (9:00:53 PM): a;lwel hvkh'adf
drewbuddy83 (9:00:58 PM): ajk;d ds;afgx ;jmnr xh;a z;
drewbuddy83 (9:01:03 PM): a;slditub saognfslgasfhlasjlsajklsajuadsg alsj as gs
drewbuddy83 (9:01:06 PM): A>Kfh FHSJKhfJKFbdzhsgflksgjldfs jgdfsdfgs g ads
drewbuddy83 (9:01:11 PM): as;djfhajk halsjsaljfads';j agjl ajsh ahg ajdglal a s
drewbuddy83 (9:01:24 PM): ah;adjsj aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadsad

l;fhj alsdj ldjasjf jadsl;kj hzhcjnyl jio [ae8ys #$55e aljtdrz8ug os8zy gw4h;ahdjs p9yeraw;ighasrg zs
drewbuddy83 (9:01:30 PM): aosdfhj ahjsflasdjf ajgklj iozfh ae'rgjajgajl ;hadsfhakdsal asfkhjggj gj gj dg gafdkhadfffffffffffffffffffff
drewbuddy83 (9:01:33 PM): ok
drewbuddy83 (9:01:50 PM): now what that means is that saturday is the first day of spring.....and everyone all was quiet.....
drewbuddy83 (9:01:59 PM): not even a meow from a cat
drewbuddy83 (9:02:11 PM): was stirring
Lethalstill (9:02:31 PM): the mouse was stoned, and stockings were pulled over faces for crimes!
Lethalstill (9:02:35 PM): the best time of year
drewbuddy83 (9:02:59 PM): yes that it was
drewbuddy83 (9:03:35 PM): mich mummy shut the door
Lethalstill (9:03:41 PM): too bad it's snowing
drewbuddy83 (9:03:49 PM): yes
drewbuddy83 (9:03:58 PM): well it's still winter
drewbuddy83 (9:04:02 PM): not spring yet hunny
Lethalstill (9:04:03 PM): we should sled on the first day of spring
drewbuddy83 (9:04:20 PM): i think we should plant flowers in rosemary's garden
Lethalstill (9:04:44 PM): that sounds SEX-ual.
drewbuddy83 (9:05:06 PM): you would think that
drewbuddy83 (9:05:10 PM): but it's not
Lethalstill (9:05:28 PM): does rosemary have to know about it?
drewbuddy83 (9:05:33 PM): no
Lethalstill (9:05:38 PM): ok, then I'm in
drewbuddy83 (9:05:42 PM): k
drewbuddy83 (9:05:45 PM): here's the plan
drewbuddy83 (9:05:48 PM): i'll type in code
drewbuddy83 (9:05:49 PM): a;odsfj lkgjcfx'hj
drewbuddy83 (9:05:51 PM): l l;jlr;dj
drewbuddy83 (9:05:55 PM): THEN.......lskfjg seorj cshj a
drewbuddy83 (9:05:58 PM): jlxj
drewbuddy83 (9:06:03 PM): and she'll NEVER KNOW
drewbuddy83 (9:06:06 PM): mwhaaaaaaaa
Lethalstill (9:06:29 PM): kwdnf ofmqv ijdnq[en!
drewbuddy83 (9:06:34 PM): I KNOW
drewbuddy83 (9:06:41 PM): don't type in english!
drewbuddy83 (9:06:47 PM): you stupid little cunt!
Lethalstill (9:07:19 PM): ok..I'm a lot of things...
Lethalstill (9:07:25 PM): but I'm not little.
drewbuddy83 (9:07:29 PM): hahaha
drewbuddy83 (9:07:30 PM): ok
drewbuddy83 (9:07:39 PM): so are we on for rosemary's garden?
Lethalstill (9:07:44 PM): sure.
Lethalstill (9:07:47 PM): I mean
Lethalstill (9:07:48 PM): sopjdfgvn
drewbuddy83 (9:07:54 PM): fgjz
drewbuddy83 (9:08:03 PM): i like how that sounds
drewbuddy83 (9:08:05 PM): fgjz
Lethalstill (9:08:22 PM): I like it to
Lethalstill (9:08:26 PM): let's be friends
drewbuddy83 (9:08:31 PM): ok
drewbuddy83 (9:08:36 PM): what's ur name?
Lethalstill (9:08:49 PM): arianna
Lethalstill (9:08:52 PM): you?
drewbuddy83 (9:08:53 PM): loc?
drewbuddy83 (9:09:03 PM): matt
Lethalstill (9:09:06 PM): arizona.
drewbuddy83 (9:09:10 PM): ok........
Lethalstill (9:09:11 PM): you?
drewbuddy83 (9:09:17 PM): i didn't realize where this was going until now
drewbuddy83 (9:09:23 PM): and we're DONE with that
drewbuddy83 (9:09:34 PM): so i'm taking a full load next semester
Lethalstill (9:09:52 PM): lol
Lethalstill (9:09:59 PM): really what classes?
drewbuddy83 (9:10:17 PM): i've got 3 at Washtenaw and 1 and Schoolcraft
Lethalstill (9:10:32 PM): what at schoolcraft?
drewbuddy83 (9:10:35 PM): Polish
Lethalstill (9:10:46 PM): sweer
Lethalstill (9:10:48 PM): !
drewbuddy83 (9:11:07 PM): well i gotta find out some more INFO.....
drewbuddy83 (9:11:11 PM): but that's the plan
Lethalstill (9:11:44 PM): neatorific
drewbuddy83 (9:11:45 PM): and when i go to MSU i'm gonna take an African language
drewbuddy83 (9:11:55 PM): i'm thinking swahili,...... but there are a lot
drewbuddy83 (9:11:59 PM): to choose from
Lethalstill (9:12:32 PM): true
drewbuddy83 (9:12:55 PM): although i REALLY HATE michigan......i think i'm gonna stay around
drewbuddy83 (9:13:08 PM): could be the wrong decision
drewbuddy83 (9:13:13 PM): but oh well
Lethalstill (9:13:38 PM): like forever?
drewbuddy83 (9:13:47 PM): no no no no
Lethalstill (9:14:13 PM): ah...
drewbuddy83 (9:14:19 PM): i don't like the 8% by your name
drewbuddy83 (9:14:30 PM): tho i guess i've got a fucking 20% by mine
Lethalstill (9:14:39 PM): I don't like the 20 by yours...damn beat me to it
drewbuddy83 (9:14:52 PM): yeah cuz you had trouble getting up the stairs
Lethalstill (9:15:00 PM): you know what you can do?
drewbuddy83 (9:15:05 PM): lick me
Lethalstill (9:15:21 PM): you can? you're talented. no wonder you don't need lotion
drewbuddy83 (9:15:28 PM): your wierd
drewbuddy83 (9:15:53 PM): ok well......i gotta get ready and everything
Lethalstill (9:15:58 PM): ok
drewbuddy83 (9:16:08 PM): so.......
Lethalstill (9:16:13 PM): got a lot of outfits to try on before your date
drewbuddy83 (9:16:22 PM): i'll meet you in three rivers when the sun hits the earth
drewbuddy83 (9:16:26 PM): yes
Lethalstill (9:16:40 PM): great
Lethalstill (9:16:45 PM): see you there
drewbuddy83 (9:16:47 PM): will you be there?
drewbuddy83 (9:16:48 PM): ok
Lethalstill (9:17:12 PM): are you confused?
Lethalstill (9:17:16 PM): cause I am
drewbuddy83 (9:17:17 PM): no
drewbuddy83 (9:17:22 PM): you would be
Lethalstill (9:17:26 PM): hmmm
Lethalstill (9:17:28 PM): fuck off
drewbuddy83 (9:17:31 PM): benny wenny wenny man
Lethalstill (9:17:38 PM): I'm violent.
Lethalstill (9:17:41 PM): not benny
Lethalstill (9:17:52 PM): oh my god!
Lethalstill (9:17:55 PM): go!....
drewbuddy83 (9:17:57 PM): awwww i was JUST thinking about that earlier....cuz i was watching saved by the bell
Lethalstill (9:18:00 PM): lol
drewbuddy83 (9:18:11 PM): and sammy and violet were together
drewbuddy83 (9:18:22 PM): so i guess i'm with
drewbuddy83 (9:18:23 PM): ....
Lethalstill (9:18:26 PM): I'll keep talking at you. especially about saved by the bell
drewbuddy83 (9:18:29 PM): what was the other one
drewbuddy83 (9:18:37 PM): henry benny violet
drewbuddy83 (9:18:48 PM): and i REALLY cant think of the other
drewbuddy83 (9:18:53 PM): jessica?
Lethalstill (9:19:02 PM): that's what I'm thinking
drewbuddy83 (9:19:03 PM): jesse?
drewbuddy83 (9:19:05 PM): i don't know
drewbuddy83 (9:19:15 PM): ok......so i'm leaving on that note
drewbuddy83 (9:19:25 PM): i'm sure i'll run into you sometime soon
Lethalstill (9:19:33 PM): ok. I'll stalk you to be sure
Lethalstill (9:19:35 PM): have fun
drewbuddy83 (9:19:38 PM): you too
Lethalstill (9:19:38 PM): bye boo
drewbuddy83 (9:19:41 PM): boo be gone

it's that time again

Another year has passed. And it's now time to honor my promise to a lovely lass named Bernie. Toasts away.

To itsy: I think of you more than you would imagine. Hope your path has wandered into the light. This rum's for you.

To red: Here's to love. May this time be right for you. A pint is raised to the future, may our's continue to intertwine.

To the nut: How did we end up together? How do we not kill each other? A fruity drink to you, you have more courage in being yourself than I have ever been privy to. Kudos.

To the fab four: Time doesn't heal a damn thing. A shot for each of you, your absence probably does me better than your presence ever did.

To Tesia, Julyna, and Susan: Knowing you on the "outside" has brought me some of the greatest joy. A bottle of red for all the good times.

To frick and frack: You pull me in totally opposite directions, but towards the same goal. Here's to opening my mind to fantasy again. Gin and tonic.

until next year.

a peek into my perception

if you told me the sky was blue, I would not believe you. Even though I can see it clearly for myself.

Most days I've lulled myself into a state of normality, where I function as if I were not slightly tainted by insanity. I make friends. I do work. I create things. I love, I hate, I live my life. I forget my armor, I forget my weak spots, I forget my history. Until I wake up one day and remember I'm insane, that I don't get to experience things without a haze around them. It's a bit like being blindsided with a roundhouse kick to the head.

I have a little voice in my head that questions everything everyone says, everything that everyone does. What's their motive? What is it they really mean? What kind of game are they playing? It's like a poison inside my brain that twists and turns and mutilates, until I can no more trust my senses, than I could drive a car blindfolded.

Have you ever put someone's glasses on, and immediately your world became a distorted sort of fun house mirror, that made you whip the glasses off and clutch your head? Made your eyes itch and your head ache? That's a little bit how things are for me all the time. Or how they feel. You walk around with your hand outstretched trying to reconcile the glasses perception with your natural eyesight. You can't trust anything.

And it's times like these that I can feel the instinct to flee, rearing it's ugly head. I would like to run away. Let everything fall by the wayside, except for the things that I cannot get rid of. And wait for me to forget again, what I was running from. Wanting all the people gone...even though I know I'll start the cycle all over again in a year or so. It's a pointless exercise. One I know better than to do. One I know I won't. But that doesn't stop the desire to make things easy.

I'll wait a little while and this will pass. It's just that...

I'd like to believe the sky is blue.

one new and one old

It’s amazing how
the years
can pass
line your face,
thin your skin,
sprinkle your hair
with tints of grey

but
you still manage
to cling
to your emotions
like a child
tight-fisted
red-faced
tantrums.

Life has
shorted you
at every turn,

Treated you
so very unkind,

and it’s everyone’s
fault
but your own

so before
you can take
the breath
to argue
with me

Let me answer
all your refutations
and save you
the trouble

Are too.
Are too.
Are too.

********************

silently
I sit
still
unmoving
letting you cry on my shoulder
knowing if I were to make a move
to comfort you
rigid, you would turn
I long to reassure
all the fairy tales you’ve been told;
but anger and sorrow
are bitter medicine to take
and a spoonful of sugar
only serves to coat the truth
in sticky lies and sweet nothings
that will leave you emptier
than you are now
no
there is nothing I can do
but be
silent
still
unmoving
your rock to crash against.

manipulate

You have finally
figured out
you have the
power
to make me chase you

the shoe's on
the other foot
and
I’m not so dishonest
as to admit
I’m not enjoying it.

So I’ll follow
your bread crumb trail
baby
I’ll jump through
all your hoops

Cause once
you let me
catch you

There’ll
be no time
for the games
you’re delighting
in playing

I’m gonna occupy all
your time
proving who
the real winner is.

wouldn't you like to know

This path is
strangely familiar,
quite like one
I’ve traveled before

while the situations
are similar
the feelings have
evolved

There are no
desperate words
whispered
this time,
no stars on my
ceiling,
no late night
calls from new york,
no soul that
needs saving,

no muse for me
personified.

I don’t know
anymore
about love
than I did then

only that

it’s not
the path that changes,
nor the
journey,
but the person
walking it.

compulsion

You’re a blue flame
in my dreams,
hot and ethereal
I’m always
scorching my hand
trying to
hold you the longest

like some cosmic
dare

I know
I should stay away
but every
scar and open wound
convinces me
I just have to be
more retardant
never that
you should
hurt me less

where do you begin? where do I end?

Headlights
illuminate
two harsh circles of light
in the night

this two lane
country road
twists and turns
under my navigation

I’ve been
flying past
this scenery
more and more
each week
drawn to you
by a history
too steeped
in time
to be anything but
sepia toned

Each minute
binds us
tighter together

strand upon strand

until
the line
between
loving and smothering
blurs
beyond distinction

I can’t remember
a time you
weren’t there
and I can’t imagine
a future
that doesn’t
include you

When it comes
time to leave
once more

Will the strings snap
or merely bend?

Will I remember
how to
stand alone
again?

the contents of my head

sometimes I end up doing the right thing, making the right decision.

and it feels so good. After living my life leaving a fucked up wake behind. It's even better knowing that no one but me will know I made the right decision, there will be no recognition, no pat on the back, just a light almost airless feeling to the weight that usually rests on my shoulders. It's a sweet feeling that I hope to remember, cause I know it won't last long. But finally, finally, maybe my emotions are catching up to the matured rest of me.

sometimes I find myself thinking of using this forum to garner results. To get pity, or affirmation, to toy with outcomes and perceptions. To poke where I should not. sometimes I find myself wanting to pander to an audience, whether real or imagined. Wanting to orchestrate a drama, to evoke, to provoke.

Thankfully I haven't. But the desire is disconcerting. I don't want to change the content of what I put here. I don't want to be influenced by outside means. I don't want to want a response. Oh, but I do.

None of this has any bearing on anything really. Just something that has been on my mind. Something that surprised me. All in the all, the point is, I feel really good. And I hardly ever use this to say that.

It's friday. Do something that makes you feel good.

reading.

sat down and read an entire book of poetry, it was surprisingly entertaining and even had a few awesome examples of poetry. This one hit particularly close to home for me.

Close to Midnight

Lying in bed
gazing up at the
glow-in-the-dark stars
on my ceiling,
I'm thinking of you

lying in bed
gazing up at your ceiling,
maybe thinking of me
at this very same
moment.

I'm thinking that
you've never seen my stars
glow in the dark,
and wondering
if you ever will.



-Sonya Sones

a quick note

to all the people I've let go...

to all the people that have left me behind...

why do I still miss you?

to sleep, perchance to not scare myself silly.

Most nights I'm pretty lucky. I'll go through months and months without ever remembering a dream, but then, I'll hit a patch where I remember every single one of them and I hate it. Because there will be one particular dream that will be horrifying or disturbing enough to catalogue itself in the annals of my mind and I'll get to remember it forever. Did I mention I never have any good dreams? Ever? Well, I don't. And I guess I didn't realize until recently, like oh today, that that's probably really abnormal. Like you're surprised something to do with me is abnormal? right. So the newest edition to the bad dream file, isn't horrifying on the surface, I guess, just really uncomfortable to ponder. I'll relate it so you can have a slice of my psyche to dissect.

My dream involves a friend of mine, who I know fairly well, we'll call him Joe. The dream begins with Joe and I just sort of sitting around doing nothing. And apparently I just got tired of being alone, of being cold on the inside, because when his hands caught my face and he kissed me, it got no restraint from me. We broke off with an awkward sort of pause, and then the wandering hands came into play, and we both decided to not care about the consequences. (No this isn't a wet dream, but yes things progressed from there) And I woke up, in the dream, wondering what the fuck was I thinking, which isn't all that unusual for me, especially in matters having to deal with sex. And time passed in that lovely hazy dream way, that I wish I could bring into real life. And weeks down the road, I end up pregnant.

Yeah, you read that right, pregnant. I was surprised too, for many reasons. Not the least of which is that I can't have children. And so, I go to him and present it hypothetically, what would he do if A happened? And he answers, and then sort of blinks and says, hypothetically, and then "oh shit". Yeah me too, buddy. And then it's all about marriage and raising a child and just building a life. Just sticking together, until one of us decides to leave, most likely for someone else. Giving it the old college try I guess. The next thing I know, I'm moving into his house, and we're going to become the Cleavers. After then things get a little fuzzy.

Now this might not seem so freaky to you, but it disturbs me on so many levels I can't even comprehend them all. And even with all my freud, and jung, and vision interpretations, I don't want to touch this one.

Maybe my subconscious is trying to tell me I'm really heterosexual with frustrated mothering instincts.

And that in itself, is creepy.

pointless entry

If we hadn't already been seen in the same place, at the same time; I would think we were the same person.

night_rom (12:40:15 PM): I can see you
drewbuddy_01 (12:40:21 PM): ah hahahaha
night_rom (12:40:38 PM): quit diddling yourself
drewbuddy_01 (12:40:54 PM): ah hahaha
drewbuddy_01 (12:41:00 PM): those are all in nancy voices too
night_rom (12:41:05 PM): lol. I fugured.
night_rom (12:41:09 PM): figured too
night_rom (12:41:19 PM): what's the scoop naughty nancy?
drewbuddy_01 (12:41:35 PM): not a whole lot
drewbuddy_01 (12:41:42 PM): i ended up sleeping until 8 this morning
night_rom (12:42:42 PM): well sleep is good. do you feel refreshed?
drewbuddy_01 (12:42:51 PM): yeah i guess
drewbuddy_01 (12:43:08 PM): i feel rested but just feel lazy and uncoordinated on how i should spend the day
night_rom (12:43:38 PM): you should come spend it with me.
drewbuddy_01 (12:43:44 PM): oh no
drewbuddy_01 (12:43:48 PM): i feel for that one before
drewbuddy_01 (12:43:51 PM): fell
night_rom (12:43:51 PM): lol
night_rom (12:44:01 PM): feel...freudian slip
night_rom (12:44:05 PM): you want me to grope you
drewbuddy_01 (12:44:27 PM): then u drug me up and dress me up like raggedy ann and take pictures of me and put them up on the web
drewbuddy_01 (12:44:39 PM): i know that kitchen of yours
night_rom (12:44:45 PM): yeah, but. I cut you in to the profits
drewbuddy_01 (12:44:49 PM): i could tell that was me in ur kitchen
night_rom (12:45:06 PM): it was you, but who was raggedy andy? lololol
drewbuddy_01 (12:45:21 PM): i don't think i have to say
drewbuddy_01 (12:45:25 PM): you know
night_rom (12:45:52 PM): ummm..no john
night_rom (12:46:16 PM): and nana says no too.
drewbuddy_01 (12:46:25 PM): ok
drewbuddy_01 (12:46:48 PM): i do have some homework to do
drewbuddy_01 (12:46:57 PM): i really want to get that done this weekend
night_rom (12:47:13 PM): yeah? so you don't want me to come and kidnap you then
night_rom (12:47:14 PM): ?
drewbuddy_01 (12:47:29 PM): um
drewbuddy_01 (12:47:37 PM): i think i broke my neck
night_rom (12:47:42 PM): lol
drewbuddy_01 (12:47:43 PM): i can't move it
night_rom (12:48:08 PM): I told you if your going to go down on that many guys to support your neck, when are you going to start listening to me?
drewbuddy_01 (12:48:17 PM): you;re right
drewbuddy_01 (12:48:18 PM): no so
drewbuddy_01 (12:48:35 PM): i was thinking about staying here tonite and then going to Jackson tomorrow
drewbuddy_01 (12:48:46 PM): do you want to come over to my house?
night_rom (12:49:06 PM): do you mean today? or tomorrow?
drewbuddy_01 (12:49:38 PM): today
drewbuddy_01 (12:50:01 PM): i was thinking i want to clean my house today and stay here and then sunday morning grab an Ann Arbor News and go to Jackson
night_rom (12:50:54 PM): I would love to come to your house today, but I have to go drop my car off to mikki.
drewbuddy_01 (12:51:00 PM): oh right
drewbuddy_01 (12:51:06 PM): well
drewbuddy_01 (12:51:11 PM): if you wanted some company
drewbuddy_01 (12:51:29 PM): call an escort service cuz i ain't goin anywhere NEAR you
night_rom (12:51:42 PM): lol. that was mean. but very funny
drewbuddy_01 (12:51:45 PM):
drewbuddy_01 (12:51:48 PM): ok
drewbuddy_01 (12:51:50 PM): well
night_rom (12:51:52 PM): and probably true
drewbuddy_01 (12:51:58 PM): let me get my horse and i'll be there in a few
night_rom (12:52:04 PM): <---- slooooow
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:04 PM): >)
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:06 PM): whoa
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:08 PM): hold on
night_rom (12:52:10 PM): lol
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:13 PM): >)
night_rom (12:52:14 PM):
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:16 PM): damn it
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:18 PM): thank you
night_rom (12:52:22 PM): ur welcome
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:22 PM): >)
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:27 PM): what is it again?
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:29 PM): >)
night_rom (12:52:32 PM): < ) : )
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:40 PM):
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:50 PM): i could have SWORN that i was doing that the whole time
night_rom (12:52:58 PM): uh huh
drewbuddy_01 (12:53:08 PM): well look at my things
drewbuddy_01 (12:53:16 PM): oh i was hitting the wrong one
drewbuddy_01 (12:53:21 PM): whoopse daisys
night_rom (12:53:22 PM): > <
night_rom (12:53:26 PM): eek
night_rom (12:53:30 PM): anyhoo.
night_rom (12:53:34 PM): hoo hoo
drewbuddy_01 (12:53:35 PM): suffering sucatsh
drewbuddy_01 (12:53:35 PM): ash
night_rom (12:53:36 PM): lol
drewbuddy_01 (12:53:42 PM): ok
drewbuddy_01 (12:53:45 PM): so when you going to
drewbuddy_01 (12:53:49 PM): Sturgis?
night_rom (12:54:01 PM): I don't know. the folks have already left.
drewbuddy_01 (12:54:05 PM): oh
drewbuddy_01 (12:54:10 PM): so your place is free then?
night_rom (12:54:14 PM): yeah
drewbuddy_01 (12:54:14 PM): ahhhhhhhhhh hahaha
night_rom (12:54:17 PM): PARTY!!!
drewbuddy_01 (12:54:18 PM): in nancy voice as well
drewbuddy_01 (12:54:37 PM): wow! while you clap and scream it at the top of your lungs
drewbuddy_01 (12:54:55 PM): as we go around the loop in front of p.j.r.h.
night_rom (12:55:06 PM): I'm alWAsy clapping and screaming. was gonna cum kidnap you and make you come too.
drewbuddy_01 (12:55:07 PM): ok ok ok
drewbuddy_01 (12:55:20 PM): do you want to come kidnap me ?
night_rom (12:55:36 PM): sure, but if you've got shit to do, you've got shit to do.
drewbuddy_01 (12:55:47 PM): well i can hold off and rearrange my plans
drewbuddy_01 (12:55:59 PM): but do you want to come out this way just to go back down 12?
drewbuddy_01 (12:56:05 PM): the other way?
night_rom (12:56:36 PM): lol. it don't matter to me. I was saving you some gas. but if you want to trundle the black bundle (don't ask me) this way, that rocks too
drewbuddy_01 (12:56:54 PM): well i would like to save gas but i don't want you to waste yours
drewbuddy_01 (12:57:15 PM): i'm trying to think if there is a place i could maybe meet you?
night_rom (12:57:15 PM): yeah, but...I don't pay for mine. I can fill you up some if you want to swing my way shorty
drewbuddy_01 (12:57:20 PM): and drop off my truck
drewbuddy_01 (12:57:30 PM): well you decide
drewbuddy_01 (12:57:32 PM): i'll be here
night_rom (12:57:34 PM): lol
night_rom (12:57:49 PM): tick tock....(that's me thinking
night_rom (12:57:51 PM): )
drewbuddy_01 (12:57:54 PM): ahhhh
drewbuddy_01 (12:57:59 PM): did you forget the question?
night_rom (12:58:01 PM): yes
drewbuddy_01 (12:58:05 PM): in nancy voice as well
drewbuddy_01 (12:58:07 PM): me too
night_rom (12:58:10 PM): ok...so
night_rom (12:58:43 PM): you come here. and I'll fill you up. I have to fill up my car too. well, wait....can you even come here? does you have enough gas?
drewbuddy_01 (12:58:55 PM): i has enough gas
night_rom (12:58:59 PM): lol
night_rom (12:59:10 PM): for some reason that strikes me as funny
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:15 PM): yeah well
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:16 PM): not me
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:18 PM): so
night_rom (12:59:21 PM): fuck odd
night_rom (12:59:24 PM): I mean
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:25 PM): fuck even
night_rom (12:59:26 PM): fuck off
night_rom (12:59:33 PM): and fuck on too
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:39 PM): fuck off
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:41 PM): clap clap
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:43 PM): fuck on
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:44 PM): clap clap
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:51 PM): fuck on fuck off the fucker
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:53 PM): clap clap
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:01 PM): ooooh
night_rom (1:00:04 PM): omg! that hilarious. lol. ok...so for real. is that agreeable to you.
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:09 PM): isnt' that how you get the clap too?
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:14 PM): yes
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:15 PM): so
night_rom (1:00:16 PM): avoid the clap
night_rom (1:00:19 PM): jimmy dugan
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:21 PM): jimmy dugan
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:23 PM): HAHA
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:24 PM): ok
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:28 PM): so i'll get my shit together
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:31 PM): to get her
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:35 PM): and i'll be on my way
night_rom (1:01:01 PM): that's really creepy: to get her : together. ick.
night_rom (1:01:04 PM): ok.
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:06 PM): i know
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:12 PM): i dont' know who came up with that word
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:13 PM): but.....
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:14 PM): ok
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:24 PM): i'll see you in like an hour
night_rom (1:01:37 PM): ok! drive extra insane and get here quick.
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:41 PM): ok
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:46 PM): you're such a tit
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:51 PM): always thinking of my well being
night_rom (1:01:51 PM): :)
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:55 PM): :)
night_rom (1:01:55 PM): al wa sy
drewbuddy_01 (1:02:01 PM): i've been there
drewbuddy_01 (1:02:05 PM): it's up north near flint
drewbuddy_01 (1:02:08 PM): ok ok opk
night_rom (1:02:08 PM): lol
drewbuddy_01 (1:02:12 PM): opk
night_rom (1:02:13 PM): kikikik
drewbuddy_01 (1:02:16 PM): kik
drewbuddy_01 (1:02:17 PM): asl
drewbuddy_01 (1:02:20 PM): i'm on my way
drewbuddy_01 (1:02:21 PM): good bye
night_rom (1:02:25 PM): bye boo

I don't know what the hell I'm talking about OR Metaphors kick my ass....again.

Life is akin to a puzzle. All the pieces are scattered about, you have to search for the right ones. Come up with a system to go about assembling them. And sometimes things don't go as planned. Pieces get lost, or chewed, or mixed with other puzzles.

When you're born, your puzzle begins. I figure you start out with the framework. The first step to putting together a puzzle is creating the edges. You have your boundaries and it's the meat of the puzzle that's scattered, left for you to figure out.

For me, I was lucky to receive some pretty big pieces early on. Pieces that fit, that aren't going anywhere. It's the other pieces that are giving me trouble. In really complex puzzles you sometimes fit a piece into a space that seems perfect. You want to put it there, but the fit is just a little off, you want to make it fit, but it's just a little loose, or the lines don't quite match. These "almost" pieces are the ones that have caused me so much grief. I don't think I'm alone in my intense desire to finish my puzzle. So, I leave the almost pieces in place with the ignorant hope that magically they will mould themselves to fit. Disregarding the coming frustration of losing those pieces, of seeing holes where I thought I had none.

It's interesting watching people try to fit into my life. The turning of every which way. The sliding of edges, trying to force because you want to fit so bad. The snicking snap when finally grooves and contours adhere. The heavy warm weight I fell when I know I've found another piece.

The commitment of time, the trial and error, the coming back time and time again; these are the great things about puzzles and life.

words that are not my own

Intention to Escape from Him

I think I will learn some beautiful language, useless for commercial
Purposes, work hard at that.
I think I will learn the Latin name of every songbird,
not only in America but wherever they sing.
(Shun meditation, though; invite the controversial;
Is the world flat? Do bats eat cats?) By digging
hard I might deflect that river, my mind, that
uncontrollable thing,
Turgid and yellow, strong to overflow its banks in spring, carrying
away bridges;
A bed of pebbles now, through which there trickles one clear
narrow stream, following a course henceforth nefast--

Dig, dig; and if I come to ledges, blast.


-E. St. Vincent Millay

tapping on the glass

It weird to know you are reading this, yes you, whoever you are. It's weird to know you are reading what's supposed to be the inner most workings of my mind, when you really don't know who I am. You don't know that I had my first kiss (I'm talking tongue here) in second grade with a kid named Ryan Smith, who's real name was Christopher Ryan Smith, but he got too many pooh jokes, so "just ryan". Or that I learned the way of manipulating someone's affections shortly after that when I bribed a kid named joel (who was quite attractive for a second grader) with a gigantic sugar cookie with m&m's in it to be my boyfriend. Or that my teacher was Hawaiian and that I thought she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen (I had a thing for older women even then). You don't know that I have a blue velvet pillow that I have had ever since I can remember being cognizant, and that I don't like to sleep without it. You don't know that I played Lady MacBeth in fourth grade, and that I had an affinity for her, madness speaks to madness. Or that my first illicit beer was an extremely old can of Old Milwaukee pilfered from my best friends pantry. It made him literally sick and me disgusted. I was something like 8 or 9 years old. Or that I used to make suicides in a Detroit Lions football shaped thermos that I brought to school in 6th grade. Or that Kevin Soules exposed himself to me on the playground in a game of truth or dare, I wasn't fazed. He told me the next day that he and Tyler thought I was the coolest girl around because I didn't "freak out" like other girls would have. I didn't have the heart to tell him how much I wasn't just like other girls. You don't know that I had my first joint on the back deck of my friend Joelle's aunt's house. It was the dead of winter, there had been an incredible ice storm and everything was covered in a sheet of ice about two inches thick. We huddled outside in night clothes getting stoned. You don't know that I was sent to the school social worker because some teacher thought I was going to commit suicide, or that it wasn't the first nor the last time I would have to reassure other people that I wasn't going to off myself. You don't know that a teacher once told me I was stupid and that I was going to hell. Hurray for public education. Or that I went to more funerals than parties in high school. Or that my friend John made a bet with me that I would get my eyebrow pierced if he got his nipple done. That I fulfilled the bet in some sub basement in Toronto, right before a show at the Pantages Theatre, we were all dressed to the nines. Or that my friend Erin held my hand, because I hated needles. And that it didn't hurt, I just wanted to hold her hand. You don't know that I fell in love with a tiny minnesotan girl who tortured me until it hurt just to look at her. Or that the most peaceful sleep I have ever had was in a small single bed in Ireland where a girl named Stacey (whose bed it was) cuddled up to me and raked her fingers up and down my back until I fell asleep. Or that my friends and I were once the floor show at a bondage club. Or that I've been to the Sex Museum in Amsterdam three times, and it's not even worth the price of admission once. Or that I was kicked out of a sex shop in Dublin. Or that my favorite food is green olives (yes I know it's abnormal).

If you've read this far, I admire your tenacity. You're probably asking yourself why you should care about all the useless crap I have made you read, and I can only tell you that that's the kind of stuff that interests me about people. The random memories that combined to make your past, to make you you. So, obviously I can't force you do anything, but how about you leave me a little tidbit about you? Some little something from your past, and leave your intials so I have some idea of who you are. Whenever you read this, whether it be tomorrow or a month, or a year from now. Leave a little something. Thank you.

you know what?

I give up.

I'm going to wear a sign that says "Impossible".

I was going to go into how I feel there must be something fundamentally wrong with me, and that I'm childish and I hate being childish, and how I hate not knowing where I stand and so on and so forth so there could be a record of the sad inner workings of my head and my heart, but fuck it. Impossible says it all.

I am impossible. Anything to do with me is impossible.