sometimes I end up doing the right thing, making the right decision.
and it feels so good. After living my life leaving a fucked up wake behind. It's even better knowing that no one but me will know I made the right decision, there will be no recognition, no pat on the back, just a light almost airless feeling to the weight that usually rests on my shoulders. It's a sweet feeling that I hope to remember, cause I know it won't last long. But finally, finally, maybe my emotions are catching up to the matured rest of me.
sometimes I find myself thinking of using this forum to garner results. To get pity, or affirmation, to toy with outcomes and perceptions. To poke where I should not. sometimes I find myself wanting to pander to an audience, whether real or imagined. Wanting to orchestrate a drama, to evoke, to provoke.
Thankfully I haven't. But the desire is disconcerting. I don't want to change the content of what I put here. I don't want to be influenced by outside means. I don't want to want a response. Oh, but I do.
None of this has any bearing on anything really. Just something that has been on my mind. Something that surprised me. All in the all, the point is, I feel really good. And I hardly ever use this to say that.
It's friday. Do something that makes you feel good.
2.20.2004
2.06.2004
reading.
sat down and read an entire book of poetry, it was surprisingly entertaining and even had a few awesome examples of poetry. This one hit particularly close to home for me.
Close to Midnight
Lying in bed
gazing up at the
glow-in-the-dark stars
on my ceiling,
I'm thinking of you
lying in bed
gazing up at your ceiling,
maybe thinking of me
at this very same
moment.
I'm thinking that
you've never seen my stars
glow in the dark,
and wondering
if you ever will.
-Sonya Sones
Close to Midnight
Lying in bed
gazing up at the
glow-in-the-dark stars
on my ceiling,
I'm thinking of you
lying in bed
gazing up at your ceiling,
maybe thinking of me
at this very same
moment.
I'm thinking that
you've never seen my stars
glow in the dark,
and wondering
if you ever will.
-Sonya Sones
2.04.2004
a quick note
to all the people I've let go...
to all the people that have left me behind...
why do I still miss you?
to all the people that have left me behind...
why do I still miss you?
2.02.2004
to sleep, perchance to not scare myself silly.
Most nights I'm pretty lucky. I'll go through months and months without ever remembering a dream, but then, I'll hit a patch where I remember every single one of them and I hate it. Because there will be one particular dream that will be horrifying or disturbing enough to catalogue itself in the annals of my mind and I'll get to remember it forever. Did I mention I never have any good dreams? Ever? Well, I don't. And I guess I didn't realize until recently, like oh today, that that's probably really abnormal. Like you're surprised something to do with me is abnormal? right. So the newest edition to the bad dream file, isn't horrifying on the surface, I guess, just really uncomfortable to ponder. I'll relate it so you can have a slice of my psyche to dissect.
My dream involves a friend of mine, who I know fairly well, we'll call him Joe. The dream begins with Joe and I just sort of sitting around doing nothing. And apparently I just got tired of being alone, of being cold on the inside, because when his hands caught my face and he kissed me, it got no restraint from me. We broke off with an awkward sort of pause, and then the wandering hands came into play, and we both decided to not care about the consequences. (No this isn't a wet dream, but yes things progressed from there) And I woke up, in the dream, wondering what the fuck was I thinking, which isn't all that unusual for me, especially in matters having to deal with sex. And time passed in that lovely hazy dream way, that I wish I could bring into real life. And weeks down the road, I end up pregnant.
Yeah, you read that right, pregnant. I was surprised too, for many reasons. Not the least of which is that I can't have children. And so, I go to him and present it hypothetically, what would he do if A happened? And he answers, and then sort of blinks and says, hypothetically, and then "oh shit". Yeah me too, buddy. And then it's all about marriage and raising a child and just building a life. Just sticking together, until one of us decides to leave, most likely for someone else. Giving it the old college try I guess. The next thing I know, I'm moving into his house, and we're going to become the Cleavers. After then things get a little fuzzy.
Now this might not seem so freaky to you, but it disturbs me on so many levels I can't even comprehend them all. And even with all my freud, and jung, and vision interpretations, I don't want to touch this one.
Maybe my subconscious is trying to tell me I'm really heterosexual with frustrated mothering instincts.
And that in itself, is creepy.
My dream involves a friend of mine, who I know fairly well, we'll call him Joe. The dream begins with Joe and I just sort of sitting around doing nothing. And apparently I just got tired of being alone, of being cold on the inside, because when his hands caught my face and he kissed me, it got no restraint from me. We broke off with an awkward sort of pause, and then the wandering hands came into play, and we both decided to not care about the consequences. (No this isn't a wet dream, but yes things progressed from there) And I woke up, in the dream, wondering what the fuck was I thinking, which isn't all that unusual for me, especially in matters having to deal with sex. And time passed in that lovely hazy dream way, that I wish I could bring into real life. And weeks down the road, I end up pregnant.
Yeah, you read that right, pregnant. I was surprised too, for many reasons. Not the least of which is that I can't have children. And so, I go to him and present it hypothetically, what would he do if A happened? And he answers, and then sort of blinks and says, hypothetically, and then "oh shit". Yeah me too, buddy. And then it's all about marriage and raising a child and just building a life. Just sticking together, until one of us decides to leave, most likely for someone else. Giving it the old college try I guess. The next thing I know, I'm moving into his house, and we're going to become the Cleavers. After then things get a little fuzzy.
Now this might not seem so freaky to you, but it disturbs me on so many levels I can't even comprehend them all. And even with all my freud, and jung, and vision interpretations, I don't want to touch this one.
Maybe my subconscious is trying to tell me I'm really heterosexual with frustrated mothering instincts.
And that in itself, is creepy.
1.31.2004
pointless entry
If we hadn't already been seen in the same place, at the same time; I would think we were the same person.
night_rom (12:40:15 PM): I can see you
drewbuddy_01 (12:40:21 PM): ah hahahaha
night_rom (12:40:38 PM): quit diddling yourself
drewbuddy_01 (12:40:54 PM): ah hahaha
drewbuddy_01 (12:41:00 PM): those are all in nancy voices too
night_rom (12:41:05 PM): lol. I fugured.
night_rom (12:41:09 PM): figured too
night_rom (12:41:19 PM): what's the scoop naughty nancy?
drewbuddy_01 (12:41:35 PM): not a whole lot
drewbuddy_01 (12:41:42 PM): i ended up sleeping until 8 this morning
night_rom (12:42:42 PM): well sleep is good. do you feel refreshed?
drewbuddy_01 (12:42:51 PM): yeah i guess
drewbuddy_01 (12:43:08 PM): i feel rested but just feel lazy and uncoordinated on how i should spend the day
night_rom (12:43:38 PM): you should come spend it with me.
drewbuddy_01 (12:43:44 PM): oh no
drewbuddy_01 (12:43:48 PM): i feel for that one before
drewbuddy_01 (12:43:51 PM): fell
night_rom (12:43:51 PM): lol
night_rom (12:44:01 PM): feel...freudian slip
night_rom (12:44:05 PM): you want me to grope you
drewbuddy_01 (12:44:27 PM): then u drug me up and dress me up like raggedy ann and take pictures of me and put them up on the web
drewbuddy_01 (12:44:39 PM): i know that kitchen of yours
night_rom (12:44:45 PM): yeah, but. I cut you in to the profits
drewbuddy_01 (12:44:49 PM): i could tell that was me in ur kitchen
night_rom (12:45:06 PM): it was you, but who was raggedy andy? lololol
drewbuddy_01 (12:45:21 PM): i don't think i have to say
drewbuddy_01 (12:45:25 PM): you know
night_rom (12:45:52 PM): ummm..no john
night_rom (12:46:16 PM): and nana says no too.
drewbuddy_01 (12:46:25 PM): ok
drewbuddy_01 (12:46:48 PM): i do have some homework to do
drewbuddy_01 (12:46:57 PM): i really want to get that done this weekend
night_rom (12:47:13 PM): yeah? so you don't want me to come and kidnap you then
night_rom (12:47:14 PM): ?
drewbuddy_01 (12:47:29 PM): um
drewbuddy_01 (12:47:37 PM): i think i broke my neck
night_rom (12:47:42 PM): lol
drewbuddy_01 (12:47:43 PM): i can't move it
night_rom (12:48:08 PM): I told you if your going to go down on that many guys to support your neck, when are you going to start listening to me?
drewbuddy_01 (12:48:17 PM): you;re right
drewbuddy_01 (12:48:18 PM): no so
drewbuddy_01 (12:48:35 PM): i was thinking about staying here tonite and then going to Jackson tomorrow
drewbuddy_01 (12:48:46 PM): do you want to come over to my house?
night_rom (12:49:06 PM): do you mean today? or tomorrow?
drewbuddy_01 (12:49:38 PM): today
drewbuddy_01 (12:50:01 PM): i was thinking i want to clean my house today and stay here and then sunday morning grab an Ann Arbor News and go to Jackson
night_rom (12:50:54 PM): I would love to come to your house today, but I have to go drop my car off to mikki.
drewbuddy_01 (12:51:00 PM): oh right
drewbuddy_01 (12:51:06 PM): well
drewbuddy_01 (12:51:11 PM): if you wanted some company
drewbuddy_01 (12:51:29 PM): call an escort service cuz i ain't goin anywhere NEAR you
night_rom (12:51:42 PM): lol. that was mean. but very funny
drewbuddy_01 (12:51:45 PM):
drewbuddy_01 (12:51:48 PM): ok
drewbuddy_01 (12:51:50 PM): well
night_rom (12:51:52 PM): and probably true
drewbuddy_01 (12:51:58 PM): let me get my horse and i'll be there in a few
night_rom (12:52:04 PM): <---- slooooow
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:04 PM): >)
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:06 PM): whoa
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:08 PM): hold on
night_rom (12:52:10 PM): lol
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:13 PM): >)
night_rom (12:52:14 PM):
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:16 PM): damn it
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:18 PM): thank you
night_rom (12:52:22 PM): ur welcome
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:22 PM): >)
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:27 PM): what is it again?
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:29 PM): >)
night_rom (12:52:32 PM): < ) : )
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:40 PM):
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:50 PM): i could have SWORN that i was doing that the whole time
night_rom (12:52:58 PM): uh huh
drewbuddy_01 (12:53:08 PM): well look at my things
drewbuddy_01 (12:53:16 PM): oh i was hitting the wrong one
drewbuddy_01 (12:53:21 PM): whoopse daisys
night_rom (12:53:22 PM): > <
night_rom (12:53:26 PM): eek
night_rom (12:53:30 PM): anyhoo.
night_rom (12:53:34 PM): hoo hoo
drewbuddy_01 (12:53:35 PM): suffering sucatsh
drewbuddy_01 (12:53:35 PM): ash
night_rom (12:53:36 PM): lol
drewbuddy_01 (12:53:42 PM): ok
drewbuddy_01 (12:53:45 PM): so when you going to
drewbuddy_01 (12:53:49 PM): Sturgis?
night_rom (12:54:01 PM): I don't know. the folks have already left.
drewbuddy_01 (12:54:05 PM): oh
drewbuddy_01 (12:54:10 PM): so your place is free then?
night_rom (12:54:14 PM): yeah
drewbuddy_01 (12:54:14 PM): ahhhhhhhhhh hahaha
night_rom (12:54:17 PM): PARTY!!!
drewbuddy_01 (12:54:18 PM): in nancy voice as well
drewbuddy_01 (12:54:37 PM): wow! while you clap and scream it at the top of your lungs
drewbuddy_01 (12:54:55 PM): as we go around the loop in front of p.j.r.h.
night_rom (12:55:06 PM): I'm alWAsy clapping and screaming. was gonna cum kidnap you and make you come too.
drewbuddy_01 (12:55:07 PM): ok ok ok
drewbuddy_01 (12:55:20 PM): do you want to come kidnap me ?
night_rom (12:55:36 PM): sure, but if you've got shit to do, you've got shit to do.
drewbuddy_01 (12:55:47 PM): well i can hold off and rearrange my plans
drewbuddy_01 (12:55:59 PM): but do you want to come out this way just to go back down 12?
drewbuddy_01 (12:56:05 PM): the other way?
night_rom (12:56:36 PM): lol. it don't matter to me. I was saving you some gas. but if you want to trundle the black bundle (don't ask me) this way, that rocks too
drewbuddy_01 (12:56:54 PM): well i would like to save gas but i don't want you to waste yours
drewbuddy_01 (12:57:15 PM): i'm trying to think if there is a place i could maybe meet you?
night_rom (12:57:15 PM): yeah, but...I don't pay for mine. I can fill you up some if you want to swing my way shorty
drewbuddy_01 (12:57:20 PM): and drop off my truck
drewbuddy_01 (12:57:30 PM): well you decide
drewbuddy_01 (12:57:32 PM): i'll be here
night_rom (12:57:34 PM): lol
night_rom (12:57:49 PM): tick tock....(that's me thinking
night_rom (12:57:51 PM): )
drewbuddy_01 (12:57:54 PM): ahhhh
drewbuddy_01 (12:57:59 PM): did you forget the question?
night_rom (12:58:01 PM): yes
drewbuddy_01 (12:58:05 PM): in nancy voice as well
drewbuddy_01 (12:58:07 PM): me too
night_rom (12:58:10 PM): ok...so
night_rom (12:58:43 PM): you come here. and I'll fill you up. I have to fill up my car too. well, wait....can you even come here? does you have enough gas?
drewbuddy_01 (12:58:55 PM): i has enough gas
night_rom (12:58:59 PM): lol
night_rom (12:59:10 PM): for some reason that strikes me as funny
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:15 PM): yeah well
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:16 PM): not me
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:18 PM): so
night_rom (12:59:21 PM): fuck odd
night_rom (12:59:24 PM): I mean
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:25 PM): fuck even
night_rom (12:59:26 PM): fuck off
night_rom (12:59:33 PM): and fuck on too
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:39 PM): fuck off
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:41 PM): clap clap
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:43 PM): fuck on
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:44 PM): clap clap
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:51 PM): fuck on fuck off the fucker
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:53 PM): clap clap
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:01 PM): ooooh
night_rom (1:00:04 PM): omg! that hilarious. lol. ok...so for real. is that agreeable to you.
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:09 PM): isnt' that how you get the clap too?
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:14 PM): yes
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:15 PM): so
night_rom (1:00:16 PM): avoid the clap
night_rom (1:00:19 PM): jimmy dugan
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:21 PM): jimmy dugan
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:23 PM): HAHA
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:24 PM): ok
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:28 PM): so i'll get my shit together
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:31 PM): to get her
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:35 PM): and i'll be on my way
night_rom (1:01:01 PM): that's really creepy: to get her : together. ick.
night_rom (1:01:04 PM): ok.
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:06 PM): i know
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:12 PM): i dont' know who came up with that word
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:13 PM): but.....
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:14 PM): ok
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:24 PM): i'll see you in like an hour
night_rom (1:01:37 PM): ok! drive extra insane and get here quick.
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:41 PM): ok
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:46 PM): you're such a tit
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:51 PM): always thinking of my well being
night_rom (1:01:51 PM): :)
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:55 PM): :)
night_rom (1:01:55 PM): al wa sy
drewbuddy_01 (1:02:01 PM): i've been there
drewbuddy_01 (1:02:05 PM): it's up north near flint
drewbuddy_01 (1:02:08 PM): ok ok opk
night_rom (1:02:08 PM): lol
drewbuddy_01 (1:02:12 PM): opk
night_rom (1:02:13 PM): kikikik
drewbuddy_01 (1:02:16 PM): kik
drewbuddy_01 (1:02:17 PM): asl
drewbuddy_01 (1:02:20 PM): i'm on my way
drewbuddy_01 (1:02:21 PM): good bye
night_rom (1:02:25 PM): bye boo
night_rom (12:40:15 PM): I can see you
drewbuddy_01 (12:40:21 PM): ah hahahaha
night_rom (12:40:38 PM): quit diddling yourself
drewbuddy_01 (12:40:54 PM): ah hahaha
drewbuddy_01 (12:41:00 PM): those are all in nancy voices too
night_rom (12:41:05 PM): lol. I fugured.
night_rom (12:41:09 PM): figured too
night_rom (12:41:19 PM): what's the scoop naughty nancy?
drewbuddy_01 (12:41:35 PM): not a whole lot
drewbuddy_01 (12:41:42 PM): i ended up sleeping until 8 this morning
night_rom (12:42:42 PM): well sleep is good. do you feel refreshed?
drewbuddy_01 (12:42:51 PM): yeah i guess
drewbuddy_01 (12:43:08 PM): i feel rested but just feel lazy and uncoordinated on how i should spend the day
night_rom (12:43:38 PM): you should come spend it with me.
drewbuddy_01 (12:43:44 PM): oh no
drewbuddy_01 (12:43:48 PM): i feel for that one before
drewbuddy_01 (12:43:51 PM): fell
night_rom (12:43:51 PM): lol
night_rom (12:44:01 PM): feel...freudian slip
night_rom (12:44:05 PM): you want me to grope you
drewbuddy_01 (12:44:27 PM): then u drug me up and dress me up like raggedy ann and take pictures of me and put them up on the web
drewbuddy_01 (12:44:39 PM): i know that kitchen of yours
night_rom (12:44:45 PM): yeah, but. I cut you in to the profits
drewbuddy_01 (12:44:49 PM): i could tell that was me in ur kitchen
night_rom (12:45:06 PM): it was you, but who was raggedy andy? lololol
drewbuddy_01 (12:45:21 PM): i don't think i have to say
drewbuddy_01 (12:45:25 PM): you know
night_rom (12:45:52 PM): ummm..no john
night_rom (12:46:16 PM): and nana says no too.
drewbuddy_01 (12:46:25 PM): ok
drewbuddy_01 (12:46:48 PM): i do have some homework to do
drewbuddy_01 (12:46:57 PM): i really want to get that done this weekend
night_rom (12:47:13 PM): yeah? so you don't want me to come and kidnap you then
night_rom (12:47:14 PM): ?
drewbuddy_01 (12:47:29 PM): um
drewbuddy_01 (12:47:37 PM): i think i broke my neck
night_rom (12:47:42 PM): lol
drewbuddy_01 (12:47:43 PM): i can't move it
night_rom (12:48:08 PM): I told you if your going to go down on that many guys to support your neck, when are you going to start listening to me?
drewbuddy_01 (12:48:17 PM): you;re right
drewbuddy_01 (12:48:18 PM): no so
drewbuddy_01 (12:48:35 PM): i was thinking about staying here tonite and then going to Jackson tomorrow
drewbuddy_01 (12:48:46 PM): do you want to come over to my house?
night_rom (12:49:06 PM): do you mean today? or tomorrow?
drewbuddy_01 (12:49:38 PM): today
drewbuddy_01 (12:50:01 PM): i was thinking i want to clean my house today and stay here and then sunday morning grab an Ann Arbor News and go to Jackson
night_rom (12:50:54 PM): I would love to come to your house today, but I have to go drop my car off to mikki.
drewbuddy_01 (12:51:00 PM): oh right
drewbuddy_01 (12:51:06 PM): well
drewbuddy_01 (12:51:11 PM): if you wanted some company
drewbuddy_01 (12:51:29 PM): call an escort service cuz i ain't goin anywhere NEAR you
night_rom (12:51:42 PM): lol. that was mean. but very funny
drewbuddy_01 (12:51:45 PM):
drewbuddy_01 (12:51:48 PM): ok
drewbuddy_01 (12:51:50 PM): well
night_rom (12:51:52 PM): and probably true
drewbuddy_01 (12:51:58 PM): let me get my horse and i'll be there in a few
night_rom (12:52:04 PM): <---- slooooow
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:04 PM): >)
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:06 PM): whoa
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:08 PM): hold on
night_rom (12:52:10 PM): lol
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:13 PM): >)
night_rom (12:52:14 PM):
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:16 PM): damn it
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:18 PM): thank you
night_rom (12:52:22 PM): ur welcome
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:22 PM): >)
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:27 PM): what is it again?
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:29 PM): >)
night_rom (12:52:32 PM): < ) : )
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:40 PM):
drewbuddy_01 (12:52:50 PM): i could have SWORN that i was doing that the whole time
night_rom (12:52:58 PM): uh huh
drewbuddy_01 (12:53:08 PM): well look at my things
drewbuddy_01 (12:53:16 PM): oh i was hitting the wrong one
drewbuddy_01 (12:53:21 PM): whoopse daisys
night_rom (12:53:22 PM): > <
night_rom (12:53:26 PM): eek
night_rom (12:53:30 PM): anyhoo.
night_rom (12:53:34 PM): hoo hoo
drewbuddy_01 (12:53:35 PM): suffering sucatsh
drewbuddy_01 (12:53:35 PM): ash
night_rom (12:53:36 PM): lol
drewbuddy_01 (12:53:42 PM): ok
drewbuddy_01 (12:53:45 PM): so when you going to
drewbuddy_01 (12:53:49 PM): Sturgis?
night_rom (12:54:01 PM): I don't know. the folks have already left.
drewbuddy_01 (12:54:05 PM): oh
drewbuddy_01 (12:54:10 PM): so your place is free then?
night_rom (12:54:14 PM): yeah
drewbuddy_01 (12:54:14 PM): ahhhhhhhhhh hahaha
night_rom (12:54:17 PM): PARTY!!!
drewbuddy_01 (12:54:18 PM): in nancy voice as well
drewbuddy_01 (12:54:37 PM): wow! while you clap and scream it at the top of your lungs
drewbuddy_01 (12:54:55 PM): as we go around the loop in front of p.j.r.h.
night_rom (12:55:06 PM): I'm alWAsy clapping and screaming. was gonna cum kidnap you and make you come too.
drewbuddy_01 (12:55:07 PM): ok ok ok
drewbuddy_01 (12:55:20 PM): do you want to come kidnap me ?
night_rom (12:55:36 PM): sure, but if you've got shit to do, you've got shit to do.
drewbuddy_01 (12:55:47 PM): well i can hold off and rearrange my plans
drewbuddy_01 (12:55:59 PM): but do you want to come out this way just to go back down 12?
drewbuddy_01 (12:56:05 PM): the other way?
night_rom (12:56:36 PM): lol. it don't matter to me. I was saving you some gas. but if you want to trundle the black bundle (don't ask me) this way, that rocks too
drewbuddy_01 (12:56:54 PM): well i would like to save gas but i don't want you to waste yours
drewbuddy_01 (12:57:15 PM): i'm trying to think if there is a place i could maybe meet you?
night_rom (12:57:15 PM): yeah, but...I don't pay for mine. I can fill you up some if you want to swing my way shorty
drewbuddy_01 (12:57:20 PM): and drop off my truck
drewbuddy_01 (12:57:30 PM): well you decide
drewbuddy_01 (12:57:32 PM): i'll be here
night_rom (12:57:34 PM): lol
night_rom (12:57:49 PM): tick tock....(that's me thinking
night_rom (12:57:51 PM): )
drewbuddy_01 (12:57:54 PM): ahhhh
drewbuddy_01 (12:57:59 PM): did you forget the question?
night_rom (12:58:01 PM): yes
drewbuddy_01 (12:58:05 PM): in nancy voice as well
drewbuddy_01 (12:58:07 PM): me too
night_rom (12:58:10 PM): ok...so
night_rom (12:58:43 PM): you come here. and I'll fill you up. I have to fill up my car too. well, wait....can you even come here? does you have enough gas?
drewbuddy_01 (12:58:55 PM): i has enough gas
night_rom (12:58:59 PM): lol
night_rom (12:59:10 PM): for some reason that strikes me as funny
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:15 PM): yeah well
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:16 PM): not me
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:18 PM): so
night_rom (12:59:21 PM): fuck odd
night_rom (12:59:24 PM): I mean
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:25 PM): fuck even
night_rom (12:59:26 PM): fuck off
night_rom (12:59:33 PM): and fuck on too
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:39 PM): fuck off
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:41 PM): clap clap
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:43 PM): fuck on
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:44 PM): clap clap
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:51 PM): fuck on fuck off the fucker
drewbuddy_01 (12:59:53 PM): clap clap
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:01 PM): ooooh
night_rom (1:00:04 PM): omg! that hilarious. lol. ok...so for real. is that agreeable to you.
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:09 PM): isnt' that how you get the clap too?
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:14 PM): yes
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:15 PM): so
night_rom (1:00:16 PM): avoid the clap
night_rom (1:00:19 PM): jimmy dugan
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:21 PM): jimmy dugan
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:23 PM): HAHA
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:24 PM): ok
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:28 PM): so i'll get my shit together
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:31 PM): to get her
drewbuddy_01 (1:00:35 PM): and i'll be on my way
night_rom (1:01:01 PM): that's really creepy: to get her : together. ick.
night_rom (1:01:04 PM): ok.
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:06 PM): i know
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:12 PM): i dont' know who came up with that word
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:13 PM): but.....
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:14 PM): ok
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:24 PM): i'll see you in like an hour
night_rom (1:01:37 PM): ok! drive extra insane and get here quick.
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:41 PM): ok
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:46 PM): you're such a tit
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:51 PM): always thinking of my well being
night_rom (1:01:51 PM): :)
drewbuddy_01 (1:01:55 PM): :)
night_rom (1:01:55 PM): al wa sy
drewbuddy_01 (1:02:01 PM): i've been there
drewbuddy_01 (1:02:05 PM): it's up north near flint
drewbuddy_01 (1:02:08 PM): ok ok opk
night_rom (1:02:08 PM): lol
drewbuddy_01 (1:02:12 PM): opk
night_rom (1:02:13 PM): kikikik
drewbuddy_01 (1:02:16 PM): kik
drewbuddy_01 (1:02:17 PM): asl
drewbuddy_01 (1:02:20 PM): i'm on my way
drewbuddy_01 (1:02:21 PM): good bye
night_rom (1:02:25 PM): bye boo
I don't know what the hell I'm talking about OR Metaphors kick my ass....again.
Life is akin to a puzzle. All the pieces are scattered about, you have to search for the right ones. Come up with a system to go about assembling them. And sometimes things don't go as planned. Pieces get lost, or chewed, or mixed with other puzzles.
When you're born, your puzzle begins. I figure you start out with the framework. The first step to putting together a puzzle is creating the edges. You have your boundaries and it's the meat of the puzzle that's scattered, left for you to figure out.
For me, I was lucky to receive some pretty big pieces early on. Pieces that fit, that aren't going anywhere. It's the other pieces that are giving me trouble. In really complex puzzles you sometimes fit a piece into a space that seems perfect. You want to put it there, but the fit is just a little off, you want to make it fit, but it's just a little loose, or the lines don't quite match. These "almost" pieces are the ones that have caused me so much grief. I don't think I'm alone in my intense desire to finish my puzzle. So, I leave the almost pieces in place with the ignorant hope that magically they will mould themselves to fit. Disregarding the coming frustration of losing those pieces, of seeing holes where I thought I had none.
It's interesting watching people try to fit into my life. The turning of every which way. The sliding of edges, trying to force because you want to fit so bad. The snicking snap when finally grooves and contours adhere. The heavy warm weight I fell when I know I've found another piece.
The commitment of time, the trial and error, the coming back time and time again; these are the great things about puzzles and life.
When you're born, your puzzle begins. I figure you start out with the framework. The first step to putting together a puzzle is creating the edges. You have your boundaries and it's the meat of the puzzle that's scattered, left for you to figure out.
For me, I was lucky to receive some pretty big pieces early on. Pieces that fit, that aren't going anywhere. It's the other pieces that are giving me trouble. In really complex puzzles you sometimes fit a piece into a space that seems perfect. You want to put it there, but the fit is just a little off, you want to make it fit, but it's just a little loose, or the lines don't quite match. These "almost" pieces are the ones that have caused me so much grief. I don't think I'm alone in my intense desire to finish my puzzle. So, I leave the almost pieces in place with the ignorant hope that magically they will mould themselves to fit. Disregarding the coming frustration of losing those pieces, of seeing holes where I thought I had none.
It's interesting watching people try to fit into my life. The turning of every which way. The sliding of edges, trying to force because you want to fit so bad. The snicking snap when finally grooves and contours adhere. The heavy warm weight I fell when I know I've found another piece.
The commitment of time, the trial and error, the coming back time and time again; these are the great things about puzzles and life.
1.29.2004
words that are not my own
Intention to Escape from Him
I think I will learn some beautiful language, useless for commercial
Purposes, work hard at that.
I think I will learn the Latin name of every songbird,
not only in America but wherever they sing.
(Shun meditation, though; invite the controversial;
Is the world flat? Do bats eat cats?) By digging
hard I might deflect that river, my mind, that
uncontrollable thing,
Turgid and yellow, strong to overflow its banks in spring, carrying
away bridges;
A bed of pebbles now, through which there trickles one clear
narrow stream, following a course henceforth nefast--
Dig, dig; and if I come to ledges, blast.
-E. St. Vincent Millay
I think I will learn some beautiful language, useless for commercial
Purposes, work hard at that.
I think I will learn the Latin name of every songbird,
not only in America but wherever they sing.
(Shun meditation, though; invite the controversial;
Is the world flat? Do bats eat cats?) By digging
hard I might deflect that river, my mind, that
uncontrollable thing,
Turgid and yellow, strong to overflow its banks in spring, carrying
away bridges;
A bed of pebbles now, through which there trickles one clear
narrow stream, following a course henceforth nefast--
Dig, dig; and if I come to ledges, blast.
-E. St. Vincent Millay
1.22.2004
tapping on the glass
It weird to know you are reading this, yes you, whoever you are. It's weird to know you are reading what's supposed to be the inner most workings of my mind, when you really don't know who I am. You don't know that I had my first kiss (I'm talking tongue here) in second grade with a kid named Ryan Smith, who's real name was Christopher Ryan Smith, but he got too many pooh jokes, so "just ryan". Or that I learned the way of manipulating someone's affections shortly after that when I bribed a kid named joel (who was quite attractive for a second grader) with a gigantic sugar cookie with m&m's in it to be my boyfriend. Or that my teacher was Hawaiian and that I thought she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen (I had a thing for older women even then). You don't know that I have a blue velvet pillow that I have had ever since I can remember being cognizant, and that I don't like to sleep without it. You don't know that I played Lady MacBeth in fourth grade, and that I had an affinity for her, madness speaks to madness. Or that my first illicit beer was an extremely old can of Old Milwaukee pilfered from my best friends pantry. It made him literally sick and me disgusted. I was something like 8 or 9 years old. Or that I used to make suicides in a Detroit Lions football shaped thermos that I brought to school in 6th grade. Or that Kevin Soules exposed himself to me on the playground in a game of truth or dare, I wasn't fazed. He told me the next day that he and Tyler thought I was the coolest girl around because I didn't "freak out" like other girls would have. I didn't have the heart to tell him how much I wasn't just like other girls. You don't know that I had my first joint on the back deck of my friend Joelle's aunt's house. It was the dead of winter, there had been an incredible ice storm and everything was covered in a sheet of ice about two inches thick. We huddled outside in night clothes getting stoned. You don't know that I was sent to the school social worker because some teacher thought I was going to commit suicide, or that it wasn't the first nor the last time I would have to reassure other people that I wasn't going to off myself. You don't know that a teacher once told me I was stupid and that I was going to hell. Hurray for public education. Or that I went to more funerals than parties in high school. Or that my friend John made a bet with me that I would get my eyebrow pierced if he got his nipple done. That I fulfilled the bet in some sub basement in Toronto, right before a show at the Pantages Theatre, we were all dressed to the nines. Or that my friend Erin held my hand, because I hated needles. And that it didn't hurt, I just wanted to hold her hand. You don't know that I fell in love with a tiny minnesotan girl who tortured me until it hurt just to look at her. Or that the most peaceful sleep I have ever had was in a small single bed in Ireland where a girl named Stacey (whose bed it was) cuddled up to me and raked her fingers up and down my back until I fell asleep. Or that my friends and I were once the floor show at a bondage club. Or that I've been to the Sex Museum in Amsterdam three times, and it's not even worth the price of admission once. Or that I was kicked out of a sex shop in Dublin. Or that my favorite food is green olives (yes I know it's abnormal).
If you've read this far, I admire your tenacity. You're probably asking yourself why you should care about all the useless crap I have made you read, and I can only tell you that that's the kind of stuff that interests me about people. The random memories that combined to make your past, to make you you. So, obviously I can't force you do anything, but how about you leave me a little tidbit about you? Some little something from your past, and leave your intials so I have some idea of who you are. Whenever you read this, whether it be tomorrow or a month, or a year from now. Leave a little something. Thank you.
If you've read this far, I admire your tenacity. You're probably asking yourself why you should care about all the useless crap I have made you read, and I can only tell you that that's the kind of stuff that interests me about people. The random memories that combined to make your past, to make you you. So, obviously I can't force you do anything, but how about you leave me a little tidbit about you? Some little something from your past, and leave your intials so I have some idea of who you are. Whenever you read this, whether it be tomorrow or a month, or a year from now. Leave a little something. Thank you.
1.21.2004
you know what?
I give up.
I'm going to wear a sign that says "Impossible".
I was going to go into how I feel there must be something fundamentally wrong with me, and that I'm childish and I hate being childish, and how I hate not knowing where I stand and so on and so forth so there could be a record of the sad inner workings of my head and my heart, but fuck it. Impossible says it all.
I am impossible. Anything to do with me is impossible.
I'm going to wear a sign that says "Impossible".
I was going to go into how I feel there must be something fundamentally wrong with me, and that I'm childish and I hate being childish, and how I hate not knowing where I stand and so on and so forth so there could be a record of the sad inner workings of my head and my heart, but fuck it. Impossible says it all.
I am impossible. Anything to do with me is impossible.
1.18.2004
welcome to the we love elisa fan club
Just a little taste of what elisa means to us. I accept full responsibility should there be any repercussions. See elisa? I told you, you're sweet!
bludreamscape: lol so let me see... all you need is that web cam now lol
night_rom: *sigh* elisa the big bully, will send me one I'm sure. the woman doesn't accept no
bludreamscape: lol no kidding
xenaholic2000: no she won't
bludreamscape: though if she sent me one i'd point the thing at some pic of some hot chickie
xenaholic2000: at least she didn't talk you into flying halfway across the country lol
night_rom: I'm not sure I can get them over my head anymore anyway. just be able to make a nice bridge like arch. and lol. it hasn't occured to her yet where I might be useful or she would ****
xenaholic2000: to hit on one of your best friendss
xenaholic2000: lol
bludreamscape: lol
xenaholic2000: just let me know if she decides it's kansas
night_rom: why? so you can get out of dodge? no fair warning. lol
bludreamscape: lol
xenaholic2000: no so i can arrange to be *in* dodge
xenaholic2000: well Lawrence... Dodge is out west
night_rom: true.
bludreamscape: i can't believe she talked you into flying that far to hit one someone..... that woman is good..... evil though...... now if we put her power towards good rather than evil......
night_rom: well it isn't just to hit in someone, it's bard con too
xenaholic2000: yeah both
night_rom: she's very efficient that way
xenaholic2000: i have no clue how she did that
night_rom: lol
night_rom: she's a catalyst.
bludreamscape: lol
bludreamscape: its quite amazing
night_rom: and very charismatic. no wonder she had no trouble with the women before emily
xenaholic2000: she's amazing
xenaholic2000: yeah no doubt
bludreamscape: lucky devil
xenaholic2000: i wanna meet Emily 'cause she's got to be one hell of a woman
bludreamscape: no kiddin
night_rom: I hoep she is. elisa deserves the best.
night_rom: hope too
xenaholic2000: yeah she does
night_rom: she'd turn bright red if she knew we were having this conversation, lol
xenaholic2000: yep
bludreamscape: lol
night_rom: lol. finally something to use on her!
bludreamscape: lol
xenaholic2000: yep
bludreamscape: you need anything you can get
xenaholic2000: yep
night_rom: I certainly do.
bludreamscape: i know she keeps talking me into things
too... drives me crazy and i can't help it
xenaholic2000: same... i do all sorts of things i wouldn't do otherwise
bludreamscape: "hey Deb, strip nakkid and run to mexico" - "Sure elisa that sounds like a great idea"
night_rom: lol
night_rom: !
night_rom: only she'd probably say, run to seattle. lol
bludreamscape: lol prolly
xenaholic2000: yeah she probably would
bludreamscape: and then she can make you believe that it was your idea in the first place
xenaholic2000: exactly
night_rom: I want to post this part of the conversation in my blurty. lol.
bludreamscape: lol
xenaholic2000: lol i don't mind
night_rom: yeah? do you blu?
bludreamscape: go for it, it's your head on the platter
bludreamscape: hell no
night_rom: sweet! I can take it
bludreamscape: lol sure you say that when she isn't around
night_rom: I told her earlier that it was my turn to get her. heh heh.
bludreamscape: LOL
xenaholic2000: lol she'll probably just send you more stuff
night_rom: yeah, you're right
night_rom: I can't win
bludreamscape: lol
night_rom: but I'm still gonna try
****(I hear seattle is nice!)
bludreamscape: lol so let me see... all you need is that web cam now lol
night_rom: *sigh* elisa the big bully, will send me one I'm sure. the woman doesn't accept no
bludreamscape: lol no kidding
xenaholic2000: no she won't
bludreamscape: though if she sent me one i'd point the thing at some pic of some hot chickie
xenaholic2000: at least she didn't talk you into flying halfway across the country lol
night_rom: I'm not sure I can get them over my head anymore anyway. just be able to make a nice bridge like arch. and lol. it hasn't occured to her yet where I might be useful or she would ****
xenaholic2000: to hit on one of your best friendss
xenaholic2000: lol
bludreamscape: lol
xenaholic2000: just let me know if she decides it's kansas
night_rom: why? so you can get out of dodge? no fair warning. lol
bludreamscape: lol
xenaholic2000: no so i can arrange to be *in* dodge
xenaholic2000: well Lawrence... Dodge is out west
night_rom: true.
bludreamscape: i can't believe she talked you into flying that far to hit one someone..... that woman is good..... evil though...... now if we put her power towards good rather than evil......
night_rom: well it isn't just to hit in someone, it's bard con too
xenaholic2000: yeah both
night_rom: she's very efficient that way
xenaholic2000: i have no clue how she did that
night_rom: lol
night_rom: she's a catalyst.
bludreamscape: lol
bludreamscape: its quite amazing
night_rom: and very charismatic. no wonder she had no trouble with the women before emily
xenaholic2000: she's amazing
xenaholic2000: yeah no doubt
bludreamscape: lucky devil
xenaholic2000: i wanna meet Emily 'cause she's got to be one hell of a woman
bludreamscape: no kiddin
night_rom: I hoep she is. elisa deserves the best.
night_rom: hope too
xenaholic2000: yeah she does
night_rom: she'd turn bright red if she knew we were having this conversation, lol
xenaholic2000: yep
bludreamscape: lol
night_rom: lol. finally something to use on her!
bludreamscape: lol
xenaholic2000: yep
bludreamscape: you need anything you can get
xenaholic2000: yep
night_rom: I certainly do.
bludreamscape: i know she keeps talking me into things
too... drives me crazy and i can't help it
xenaholic2000: same... i do all sorts of things i wouldn't do otherwise
bludreamscape: "hey Deb, strip nakkid and run to mexico" - "Sure elisa that sounds like a great idea"
night_rom: lol
night_rom: !
night_rom: only she'd probably say, run to seattle. lol
bludreamscape: lol prolly
xenaholic2000: yeah she probably would
bludreamscape: and then she can make you believe that it was your idea in the first place
xenaholic2000: exactly
night_rom: I want to post this part of the conversation in my blurty. lol.
bludreamscape: lol
xenaholic2000: lol i don't mind
night_rom: yeah? do you blu?
bludreamscape: go for it, it's your head on the platter
bludreamscape: hell no
night_rom: sweet! I can take it
bludreamscape: lol sure you say that when she isn't around
night_rom: I told her earlier that it was my turn to get her. heh heh.
bludreamscape: LOL
xenaholic2000: lol she'll probably just send you more stuff
night_rom: yeah, you're right
night_rom: I can't win
bludreamscape: lol
night_rom: but I'm still gonna try
****(I hear seattle is nice!)
1.16.2004
channeling Millay
I had had a poem to rework for here, but turns out I hate it. So just some bits and peices. Followed up with prose.
it's nice
to be reminded
that I'm wanted
even better
to be reminded
that I'm needed
It's been forever
since you told me
you love me
and too long
since I've shown
you the same
**************
did you know that you make my stomach churn? I knew someone once who gave me butterflies, the result is very much the same, but the reasons are so different. I'm forever in fear of being unmasked. found out for a fraud. whispered about, the word being spread, that for all my gilded words, I am nothing but fools gold. did you know that you fill me with uncertainty? that I step forward, then step back, then forward, then back. you make me wonder about life and love and what you're doing at any given minute; what anybody is doing at any given minute, and why I am doing nothing given any minute. did you know that you spark jealousy in me (which I must confess is not hard)? which turns everything I think into barbs, that get stuck in the soft tissues, of my head making it hard to understand, of my heart making it hard to feel, of my mouth making it hard to speak, of my hands making it hard to touch you without hurting you too. In my eyes making it hard to see the truth. did you know that I think you play me for a fool? and that I don't care? (most days) but that today I did. did you know that you inhabit my dreams? that in them you tell me it's ok, and that I wish you wouldn't? did you know I sat outside once in the cold, for two hours, after being with you? trying to understand what I was doing, what you were doing, and that any conclusion I came to was laughable?
did you know that I'm going to regret writing this? but that I'm going to send it anyway?
did you know that I'm going to send this to everyone I know, put it everywhere I can, in the hopes that maybe someone has some idea of what it all means?
and can tell me.
it's nice
to be reminded
that I'm wanted
even better
to be reminded
that I'm needed
It's been forever
since you told me
you love me
and too long
since I've shown
you the same
**************
did you know that you make my stomach churn? I knew someone once who gave me butterflies, the result is very much the same, but the reasons are so different. I'm forever in fear of being unmasked. found out for a fraud. whispered about, the word being spread, that for all my gilded words, I am nothing but fools gold. did you know that you fill me with uncertainty? that I step forward, then step back, then forward, then back. you make me wonder about life and love and what you're doing at any given minute; what anybody is doing at any given minute, and why I am doing nothing given any minute. did you know that you spark jealousy in me (which I must confess is not hard)? which turns everything I think into barbs, that get stuck in the soft tissues, of my head making it hard to understand, of my heart making it hard to feel, of my mouth making it hard to speak, of my hands making it hard to touch you without hurting you too. In my eyes making it hard to see the truth. did you know that I think you play me for a fool? and that I don't care? (most days) but that today I did. did you know that you inhabit my dreams? that in them you tell me it's ok, and that I wish you wouldn't? did you know I sat outside once in the cold, for two hours, after being with you? trying to understand what I was doing, what you were doing, and that any conclusion I came to was laughable?
did you know that I'm going to regret writing this? but that I'm going to send it anyway?
did you know that I'm going to send this to everyone I know, put it everywhere I can, in the hopes that maybe someone has some idea of what it all means?
and can tell me.
1.14.2004
duty and guilt
Jenn is moving to Vegas. She wants me to go with her. Her lease is up in June so she's decided she is going to spend the summer with me, if I'm still here, and convince me to go with her. I'm thinking of letting her convince me.
But man, Kathy and Lola* loose in Vegas? That is such a bad idea. God knows I love her, I really do, but I would want to kill her after not too long. She's just too much and I'm not, at least not in that way. I'm the queen of melodrama, I'll admit it. But Jenn is the epitome of drama, she exhales it like carbon dioxide, suffocating everything within a five foot radius. She's loud and unapologetic, she makes the worst decisions on who to sleep with, and I'm forever picking up the pieces. I'm not painting a very lovely picture of her, but all the things I have mentioned are all reasons why I do love her. And she for some reason has stuck to me for three years despite our mutual bad decisions in the friend department, probably because she's just as fucked in the head as I am.
and matt is pressuring me to move to san francisco. all the time. right now even as I type he is mapping out how I can make the move and afford my bills and live in the mission. *sigh*
So really the problem is, why does everyone else see merit in my future and I don't? All the answers to that question I really don't like.
*kathy and lola are alter egos.
But man, Kathy and Lola* loose in Vegas? That is such a bad idea. God knows I love her, I really do, but I would want to kill her after not too long. She's just too much and I'm not, at least not in that way. I'm the queen of melodrama, I'll admit it. But Jenn is the epitome of drama, she exhales it like carbon dioxide, suffocating everything within a five foot radius. She's loud and unapologetic, she makes the worst decisions on who to sleep with, and I'm forever picking up the pieces. I'm not painting a very lovely picture of her, but all the things I have mentioned are all reasons why I do love her. And she for some reason has stuck to me for three years despite our mutual bad decisions in the friend department, probably because she's just as fucked in the head as I am.
and matt is pressuring me to move to san francisco. all the time. right now even as I type he is mapping out how I can make the move and afford my bills and live in the mission. *sigh*
So really the problem is, why does everyone else see merit in my future and I don't? All the answers to that question I really don't like.
*kathy and lola are alter egos.
1.12.2004
what my mind does when I'm trying to sleep
you say
your bed is too large and
quite empty
I say
my bed is too small and
quite full
we could reach
a comfortable compromise
if you'd let me
fill
the empty spaces
in your life
in your bed
in you.
your bed is too large and
quite empty
I say
my bed is too small and
quite full
we could reach
a comfortable compromise
if you'd let me
fill
the empty spaces
in your life
in your bed
in you.
1.06.2004
words
I’m passing
through the days
like yesterday’s newspaper
quickly and without interest
taking note
of all the things
I should have done
***************
wants
needs
lies
actions
feelings
are all like
raindrops on a
window
separate at the point of impact
but eventually run altogether
or maybe
better like the snowflakes
falling in my present background
each one is
individual, distinctive
but they all
look the same
from afar
and like snowflakes
when I go
to catch them
in my hand
to better understand
I’m left with
a puddle of water
and my inherent confusion
I’m beginning
to despair
ever getting it right.
I’m beginning
to despise
the snow.
instead of these infantile words
to go with my infantile emotions
that would be better served
with my ire.
**************************
Could you
keep firmly in mind
that I told you
from the beginning
that I wasn’t worth it?
Cause this house
of cards
we’re building
is bound to collapse
from our sighs
(yours long suffering, mine in resignation)
I’d like to save you
from as much debris
as I can
Believe it or not
I grow tired
of the hurt
I leave behind
in my wake
that easily
could be avoided
if my warnings
had been heeded.
I’d spare you
all that my acquaintance
brings
if I thought
I could.
So
when you’re cursing me
for a liar
or a cheat
or whatever you think fits
just remember
who swore it first.
through the days
like yesterday’s newspaper
quickly and without interest
taking note
of all the things
I should have done
***************
wants
needs
lies
actions
feelings
are all like
raindrops on a
window
separate at the point of impact
but eventually run altogether
or maybe
better like the snowflakes
falling in my present background
each one is
individual, distinctive
but they all
look the same
from afar
and like snowflakes
when I go
to catch them
in my hand
to better understand
I’m left with
a puddle of water
and my inherent confusion
I’m beginning
to despair
ever getting it right.
I’m beginning
to despise
the snow.
instead of these infantile words
to go with my infantile emotions
that would be better served
with my ire.
**************************
Could you
keep firmly in mind
that I told you
from the beginning
that I wasn’t worth it?
Cause this house
of cards
we’re building
is bound to collapse
from our sighs
(yours long suffering, mine in resignation)
I’d like to save you
from as much debris
as I can
Believe it or not
I grow tired
of the hurt
I leave behind
in my wake
that easily
could be avoided
if my warnings
had been heeded.
I’d spare you
all that my acquaintance
brings
if I thought
I could.
So
when you’re cursing me
for a liar
or a cheat
or whatever you think fits
just remember
who swore it first.
12.16.2003
origins, journey's, destinations
My father has become stooped, bent, hunched over upon himself; the weight of time and life resting on his once broad shoulders. I don’t know when this metamorphosis happened. When did he go from being this sentinel in my life, tall, shrouded in shadows, silent. I always remember him as if there was a moderate gulf between us, not too immense that it could never be crossed, just wide enough that the danger associated with it was enough to deter us both from efforts. When did his life turn on him? When did he realize that the choices he made have boxed him in until his life is no longer his own? How does it feel to look at your life and know that you are stranger to everyone? I looked at him today and realized that the parts of me that are him are ruling me right now. I don’t want to ever wake up and find myself in his shoes.
Love has always been a question in my life. One I never knew how to answer. How do you tell if you love someone? Harder still, how do you tell if someone loves you? My whole relationship with my father has been filled with words that hurt and silences filled with awkwardness that wounded deeper than any words ever could. I think maybe he always loved me, he just never knew how to show it. To be twenty and freaked out by an affectionate hug from my father probably defines our relationship pretty well. I hit a certain age and suddenly he can’t love me enough. I don’t know if he saw the end of his life or the beginning of mine, and I don’t know which one would have scared him most. I feel like he is trying to buy my love now, and I wish that I could explain to him that all he has ever had to do was ask. It has always been that simple with me, ask and if it’s in my power to give, you have it. But words are still hard for him, and asking even tougher. So we play this weird version of pushme – pullyou. Push me. Pull you. We get a little bit closer and we drift apart. Someday he is going to be gone and I wonder if all I’m going to remember is the sentinel of my youth, or the man he is now?
Love has always been a question in my life. One I never knew how to answer. How do you tell if you love someone? Harder still, how do you tell if someone loves you? My whole relationship with my father has been filled with words that hurt and silences filled with awkwardness that wounded deeper than any words ever could. I think maybe he always loved me, he just never knew how to show it. To be twenty and freaked out by an affectionate hug from my father probably defines our relationship pretty well. I hit a certain age and suddenly he can’t love me enough. I don’t know if he saw the end of his life or the beginning of mine, and I don’t know which one would have scared him most. I feel like he is trying to buy my love now, and I wish that I could explain to him that all he has ever had to do was ask. It has always been that simple with me, ask and if it’s in my power to give, you have it. But words are still hard for him, and asking even tougher. So we play this weird version of pushme – pullyou. Push me. Pull you. We get a little bit closer and we drift apart. Someday he is going to be gone and I wonder if all I’m going to remember is the sentinel of my youth, or the man he is now?
12.14.2003
so minneapolis
If you pay close enough attention to everything around you, you become aware of recurring patterns and shapes and behaviors. There are only so many in existence and they crop up over and over again, if you have a discerning eye. Because we are beings that need to define and own; we single out the ones we think we understand and then give them names. Me, I notice them a lot. I've begun to pick out the repeating themes in my life and assign value to them, i.e. like and hate, logical, useful, paranoia and so on.
I have been reminded of my hatred for triangles. I'll admit to a lack of conviction on many issues but the absolute refusal to allow triangles into my life isn't one of them. But no matter how much I try to make this truth, I realize I have no control over it, I look around and there they are. Now don't get me wrong, it's not like I avoid yield signs or pictures of egypt. It's not an irrational hatred of triangles, but a very hard earned lesson that triangles are no good for me. Especially in the aspect of relationships.
Let's look at triangles, shall we? I mean from a purely aesthetic viewpoint, they are deceiving in looks. Logically you would deduce that the very nature of triangles is stability, balance, solidity; because you always have two sides to support the one. This is an error in deduction. Triangles are not stable. The fact is, the two sides that support the one are always the closer of the three. They experience the same things at the same time, while the point that is suspended experiences something totally different and is always seperated by a set amount of distance from the "stabling" points. This creates feelings of alienation and resentment. Trust me. Now the other big problem with triangles. You might think, well the aforementioned problem is easily fixable, as long as the triangle keeps turning, the experiences can be evened out by the rotation of points. Ah...you silly silly person. That's what sucks about points. Triangles are not conducive to turning. They are static, stagnant, festering, stuck, unmoving.....you get my point?
So I found myself looking out from my stupor at all that used to be my world and all I saw were triangles of people, with me being the satellite point. I'm not sure I know how I keep letting myself get into these situations, as they always cause me pain. I swore after the whole Sarah / Danielle / Me, Danielle / Stacey / Me fiasco I wouldn't do this to myself anymore. But that doesn't seem to be working. And nothing made that more evident than my time spent with Krista and Steven. All of a sudden there is a palpable history between them that buffers me from ever reaching certain parts that used to be accesible to me. I sat in that wooden chair, safe and set in place, fulfilling my duties as a point, and watched as even our positions mirrored a triangle. The overwhelming feeling was an ache to touch what was unspoken between them, between us. To voice what was an awkward elephant in the small cluttered room. How do I fit in your lives now? I'm not what I was to either of them anymore. The weight of Krista's disappointment and Steven's questioning glances were enough to drive me into silence. I didn't have answers for them. I don't think I want to have any answers for them. In fact, for once I want them to have answers for me.
What happens when you shave off the top of a triangle? You are left with a trapezoid. Which is all well and good, a still functioning and stable shape to have. But what about the piece that's shaved off? That's still a triangle. A smaller, bewildered triangle, but still a triangle all the same. I'm afraid that is me, the piece that is always sacrificed for the stability of a trapezoid. A perpetual triangle.
I have been reminded of my hatred for triangles. I'll admit to a lack of conviction on many issues but the absolute refusal to allow triangles into my life isn't one of them. But no matter how much I try to make this truth, I realize I have no control over it, I look around and there they are. Now don't get me wrong, it's not like I avoid yield signs or pictures of egypt. It's not an irrational hatred of triangles, but a very hard earned lesson that triangles are no good for me. Especially in the aspect of relationships.
Let's look at triangles, shall we? I mean from a purely aesthetic viewpoint, they are deceiving in looks. Logically you would deduce that the very nature of triangles is stability, balance, solidity; because you always have two sides to support the one. This is an error in deduction. Triangles are not stable. The fact is, the two sides that support the one are always the closer of the three. They experience the same things at the same time, while the point that is suspended experiences something totally different and is always seperated by a set amount of distance from the "stabling" points. This creates feelings of alienation and resentment. Trust me. Now the other big problem with triangles. You might think, well the aforementioned problem is easily fixable, as long as the triangle keeps turning, the experiences can be evened out by the rotation of points. Ah...you silly silly person. That's what sucks about points. Triangles are not conducive to turning. They are static, stagnant, festering, stuck, unmoving.....you get my point?
So I found myself looking out from my stupor at all that used to be my world and all I saw were triangles of people, with me being the satellite point. I'm not sure I know how I keep letting myself get into these situations, as they always cause me pain. I swore after the whole Sarah / Danielle / Me, Danielle / Stacey / Me fiasco I wouldn't do this to myself anymore. But that doesn't seem to be working. And nothing made that more evident than my time spent with Krista and Steven. All of a sudden there is a palpable history between them that buffers me from ever reaching certain parts that used to be accesible to me. I sat in that wooden chair, safe and set in place, fulfilling my duties as a point, and watched as even our positions mirrored a triangle. The overwhelming feeling was an ache to touch what was unspoken between them, between us. To voice what was an awkward elephant in the small cluttered room. How do I fit in your lives now? I'm not what I was to either of them anymore. The weight of Krista's disappointment and Steven's questioning glances were enough to drive me into silence. I didn't have answers for them. I don't think I want to have any answers for them. In fact, for once I want them to have answers for me.
What happens when you shave off the top of a triangle? You are left with a trapezoid. Which is all well and good, a still functioning and stable shape to have. But what about the piece that's shaved off? That's still a triangle. A smaller, bewildered triangle, but still a triangle all the same. I'm afraid that is me, the piece that is always sacrificed for the stability of a trapezoid. A perpetual triangle.
12.01.2003
stream of consciousness...
got all sorts of things floating around inside my head; like time, and mirrors, self perception, duty, love, living, choices, and million other things all amounting to nothing. Just chasing around and around, feeding my restlessness. Thinking to no conclusion is a pain in my ass. If you are waiting for things to settle down so you can breathe you are going to die of suffocation. What you see in the mirror is the biggest delusion of them all. Analyzing yourself is like using a magnifying glass to fry ants: so much power for such a little cause. By swearing to tell the truth you have already begun to lie. Duty and honor are words lost to a lexicon of yuppie's children. How scary is that? Yuppie's children. Though I am a self proclaimed YIT (yuppie-in-training) I know I will never make it, I am just too too. I can't say that fact saddens me. Everyone needs to be loved, but I don't believe a word you say. I wonder if I ever have? and if I did, when did I lose that? Choices. Choices fascinate me, choosing not to choose is still a choice. You can't get much more circular than that.
I've found all the missing volumes of my work in high school, so I'll be interspersing old work with new, an exciting look into my head as a teenager. I sadly, don't think I have changed much.
Forgive me
if I falter,
but your brilliance
blinds me
and I find myself
shrinking from the light
like I don't deserve
your smile.
If I was half
the person
you say I am
There would be no need
to save me,
so think of
your contradictions
the next time
you hold out your hand.
Who is grasping for whom?
and since I've been talking about Ireland a lot I'll throw in one from my work there.
Transatlantic call
The minutes are
ticking by
and alcohol
won't work tonight,
cause I can't
fool myself
into thinking
I want anything
but you.
The phone just
serves to remind
me of the miles
that span
and it's
only your voice
near to me
tonight.
I'm looking in
on a room full
of people
beckoning me;
with my back
to the ocean
that leads
to you
They don't know
that their pull
is nothing
compared to yours
or that I'm
gripping the phone
so tight
my ear is red
and my fingers white
in an effort
to feel
anything but
alone.
I've found all the missing volumes of my work in high school, so I'll be interspersing old work with new, an exciting look into my head as a teenager. I sadly, don't think I have changed much.
Forgive me
if I falter,
but your brilliance
blinds me
and I find myself
shrinking from the light
like I don't deserve
your smile.
If I was half
the person
you say I am
There would be no need
to save me,
so think of
your contradictions
the next time
you hold out your hand.
Who is grasping for whom?
and since I've been talking about Ireland a lot I'll throw in one from my work there.
Transatlantic call
The minutes are
ticking by
and alcohol
won't work tonight,
cause I can't
fool myself
into thinking
I want anything
but you.
The phone just
serves to remind
me of the miles
that span
and it's
only your voice
near to me
tonight.
I'm looking in
on a room full
of people
beckoning me;
with my back
to the ocean
that leads
to you
They don't know
that their pull
is nothing
compared to yours
or that I'm
gripping the phone
so tight
my ear is red
and my fingers white
in an effort
to feel
anything but
alone.
11.22.2003
this looks familiar....
It seems destined that I'll return to this thing every few months. I would have more to say if I ever lifted my head from this trench I've ensconed myself in. But even I would be disgusted with myself if I spent my time filling this little form with drama induced misery day after day. I figure a proper angst filled "my life sucks" no hope update every couple of months is enough.
I had thought that I had left behind the need to live in a fantasy land years ago, but I find myself stepping back into it with both feet. My life is filled with strangers and I've just added a few more. Perhaps the lesson will be better learned after this fiasco wreaks out the emotional havoc. But more than likely not. At least I'm consistent.
I've been too long away from people I love. And each day that I'm stuck in this perpetual circle of nothingness my hatred for the phone grows, even as I'm more and more dependant on it. I'd like to feel the warmth of my friends and loved ones, I'm so excited for this weekend because I'll be staying with boo and I know that at least for the weekend I'll be ok. Everything inside will calm down and I won't feel so cold all the time.
Talked to my friend Jenn last night. She tried to get me to run away to Las Vegas. Or maybe it was me trying to get her to run away to Las Vegas, regardless the idea was appealing. It seems I'm not the only one suffering from the scattering effect, or the catatonic inducing fear of life in general as it is "right now".
Everyone I talk to is so helpful. Everyone that I know goes out of their way to help me in whatever fashion they can, whether it be offers of money, food, a place to live, or just encouraging words. And I hate it. I hate it because I'm such a fuck. I think about all the people who don't have this kind of help, who don't have even an eighth of this help. And I get even more frustrated with myself because I'm allowed to wallow in this pit, I'm allowed to take this time and just fuck up. I allow myself this time by living in absolute denial and lack of action. And everyone else allows me this time as well. And for all their kind words and gentle pats, I just want to scream that "no, everything isn't going to be ok". Even when I have no right to be that oblivious and spoiled. Hopefully I'll get my ass kicked soon and go back to being the less pathetic individual I'm sure I used to be. Before something drastic happens. And hopefully when I'm in a position to offer my hand the way so many have been offered to me, I won't be so self involved as to ignore it.
I've fulfilled my quota for whining and then some. So it's back to a stupor for me. I've been feeling pretty prolific lately (go figure) so most likely I'll be adding some more drivel I refer to as poetry here.
I had thought that I had left behind the need to live in a fantasy land years ago, but I find myself stepping back into it with both feet. My life is filled with strangers and I've just added a few more. Perhaps the lesson will be better learned after this fiasco wreaks out the emotional havoc. But more than likely not. At least I'm consistent.
I've been too long away from people I love. And each day that I'm stuck in this perpetual circle of nothingness my hatred for the phone grows, even as I'm more and more dependant on it. I'd like to feel the warmth of my friends and loved ones, I'm so excited for this weekend because I'll be staying with boo and I know that at least for the weekend I'll be ok. Everything inside will calm down and I won't feel so cold all the time.
Talked to my friend Jenn last night. She tried to get me to run away to Las Vegas. Or maybe it was me trying to get her to run away to Las Vegas, regardless the idea was appealing. It seems I'm not the only one suffering from the scattering effect, or the catatonic inducing fear of life in general as it is "right now".
Everyone I talk to is so helpful. Everyone that I know goes out of their way to help me in whatever fashion they can, whether it be offers of money, food, a place to live, or just encouraging words. And I hate it. I hate it because I'm such a fuck. I think about all the people who don't have this kind of help, who don't have even an eighth of this help. And I get even more frustrated with myself because I'm allowed to wallow in this pit, I'm allowed to take this time and just fuck up. I allow myself this time by living in absolute denial and lack of action. And everyone else allows me this time as well. And for all their kind words and gentle pats, I just want to scream that "no, everything isn't going to be ok". Even when I have no right to be that oblivious and spoiled. Hopefully I'll get my ass kicked soon and go back to being the less pathetic individual I'm sure I used to be. Before something drastic happens. And hopefully when I'm in a position to offer my hand the way so many have been offered to me, I won't be so self involved as to ignore it.
I've fulfilled my quota for whining and then some. So it's back to a stupor for me. I've been feeling pretty prolific lately (go figure) so most likely I'll be adding some more drivel I refer to as poetry here.
9.08.2003
six degrees to love
Free association, logical paths of relationships made in your head, links strung together in your memory; pulling one link leads to a whole different outcome. An end, an event, a tangible manifestation of words.
You are this to me. A chain reaction. Everything reminds me of your name. Your name calls your image to mind. Your image begs to be made tangible, by phone at the very least, since there are always some miles that separate us. Your voice makes my hands twitch to touch you, my eyes ache to look at you, to prove your existence and the reality of my place in your life. Your presence in my company makes my skin burn to be in contact with yours...and so on and so forth, ad nauseum. This is how my days pass, in any number of combinations, from a towel left in the corner of the bathroom to making love to you. From a stop light on 24th to pinning your shoulders against the bed, against the wall.
This is why I show up on your doorstep, this is why I call you at odd times, this is why I stare at you instead of anything else, this is why my arms are reluctant to loosen whenever you try to leave my embrace.
This is why I'm writing this pathetic entry, in this pathetic journal, that you will probably never see.
Because my life has become six degrees to you.
Kevin Bacon ain't got nothing on you, baby.
You are this to me. A chain reaction. Everything reminds me of your name. Your name calls your image to mind. Your image begs to be made tangible, by phone at the very least, since there are always some miles that separate us. Your voice makes my hands twitch to touch you, my eyes ache to look at you, to prove your existence and the reality of my place in your life. Your presence in my company makes my skin burn to be in contact with yours...and so on and so forth, ad nauseum. This is how my days pass, in any number of combinations, from a towel left in the corner of the bathroom to making love to you. From a stop light on 24th to pinning your shoulders against the bed, against the wall.
This is why I show up on your doorstep, this is why I call you at odd times, this is why I stare at you instead of anything else, this is why my arms are reluctant to loosen whenever you try to leave my embrace.
This is why I'm writing this pathetic entry, in this pathetic journal, that you will probably never see.
Because my life has become six degrees to you.
Kevin Bacon ain't got nothing on you, baby.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)